


Addiction

by AllThosePrettyThings



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Creamcakes, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, M/M, References to Addiction, Slow Build, Take That - Freeform, barlliams, some chapters are basically porn I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-21 15:30:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 50,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3697481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThosePrettyThings/pseuds/AllThosePrettyThings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HE was his addiction. HE was what he wanted, what he needed and now when he had lost it all, HE was the only one to help him, but neither would realise exactly where that would lead them.<br/>Warning: some gun violence at the beginning and strong language, with eventual references to sex.</p><p>Disclaimer: The following is fiction. I don't own any rights, and it is not based on any person(s) actual life and is intended to be merely fictitious. Any resemblance is purely accidental.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

## Part 1

Her watch reads 2am. She knows it’s late and she shouldn’t call him, but frankly she’s at her wits end and she heard he’s in LA working with a film producer. She fights with herself just a moment longer before taking a deep breath and releasing a long sigh as she picks up the phone. Her elegant well-manicured fingers gently hover over the screen, scrolling down to the “G”s, quickly finding the name she’s looking for. She stares at it doubtfully, perhaps over-thinking again, she’s not sure but he’s probably asleep in his hotel room, she’d be waking him up. “Fuck it!” She suddenly says to herself out-loud as she makes up her mind and presses lightly on the screen, checking the call goes through before pressing the phone to her ear. It rings…and rings…and rings. Maybe he’s not in, but then he is a deep sleeper, she remembers that from all the times he’s stayed with them in the past. Suddenly the ringing stops and a gruffly voice clears his throat on the other end before grumbling “Hello…” in the common question-like tone someone adopts when they’re not sure who they are speaking to. He sounds tired and a little confused. She doubts he checked to see who the caller is, “Gary, its Ayda” she speaks gently, almost timidly, hoping this is the right decision but doubting every decision she’s been making recently. “Sorry for waking you” she continues…”but I didn’t know what to do”, a crack starts to form in her voice as if to emphasise her words.  
“What’s up Ayda?! Is it Rob? Is he ok?” Gary’s voice suddenly sounds clear and alert.  
“Yes, and I’m worried Gaz, I don’t know what to do, I want to be there for him but I just can’t – not now, not by myself. I’m just worried about what’ll he’ll do – no one’s getting through to him…but then I heard you were here in LA…”  
“yeah, landed yesterday” he interrupts, “But love, I’m not sure what I can do – if anything he’s likely to refuse to see me, you know what he’s like!”  
“But you can try!” Ayda continues desperately, she knows why he’s hesitant, she understands it but she’s desperate. “Ayda – “  
“NO GARY! You have got to try and get through to him, he WILL listen to you, I know he will” she pleads.  
“Maybe if we both go over, then –“  
“No, I can’t! You know I can’t, it’s just does him no good, me being there, it gives him mixed signals, false hopes that we’ll get back together….” She can feel tears forming at the corners of her eyes now, she may have ended her marriage to Robbie, but that didn’t mean she didn’t still love him and care for his well-being.  
“Oh, Ayda – is there no chance you guys can work it out? For the kids sake, at least?” Gary sincerely asks.  
“It’s because of the kids I’m doing this, that sort of toxic environment – it’s not good for them to grow up like that….” She pauses, takes the phone away from her ear and pulls her free hand through her hair, she’s exhausted. “Please Gary, he NEEDS you! You know he does, you’re the one he truly listens to” she pleads once more, but as she listens to the pause on the other end she can still detect his hesitation. She knows why he’s hesitating so much, after all the ‘why’ is part of the reason why she left Robbie and her marriage behind in the first place, but this is no time for awkwardness, she’s in near despair of what to do with her ex-husband, and frankly she’s now beginning to get irritated by Gary’s reluctance to help. The Great Gary Barlow! He’s supposed to by Robbie’s Mate, his brother, his captain, his… “Gary – please do this for me, for fuck sake, this is all partly down to you anyway!!!” She immediately regrets saying that to him, but there is some truth in it, he can’t deny that but she also knows he’s always tried to do the best he can when it comes to Robbie. 

It’s a complicated situation, and she and Gary have never really known how to handle it and what to do for the best, but they have both tried through the years, to above all keep Robbie happy. Gary for his part has always agonized over what is best for Robbie, whether even seeing him was a good idea, let alone working with him, staying with him, being in such close proximity with him for long stretches of time. Ayda knows Gary has tried his hardest over the years, to try and keep everyone happy and so she regrets her harsh words, he doesn’t deserve it but his ‘guilt and sense of responsibility’ is her last card to play right now.  
“Ok, ok Ayda, I’ll go” he resignedly replies.  
It’s worked! She lets out a long sigh of relief, “Sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded, I just know you can get through to him Gaz, reassure him we love him, and get him to accept the help that’s there for him. I know he’ll be ok if you’re there for him”.  
“Always. Well, I’ll try.” He pauses after that for several moments, and Ayda begins to wonder if he’s still there, until – “Right love, I’m ready to head over there now, I’ll give you a call later to let you know how it all goes” he simply states and after swift goodbyes he puts the phone down.

*************************************************************************************  
She didn’t think she’d be able to fall asleep but somehow she did. At least until a piercing tone awoke her from her uneasy slumber. It was the familiar shrill of her mobile ringtone, groggily rising from sleep, she makes a grab for it, noticing the clock on her bedside table reading 5.07am. Inwardly sighing while looking at the name – she was of course expecting his call, but at this time in the morning, it cannot be a good sign.  
“Gaz, is everything ok?!”  
There’s a slight pause that seems to last a lifetime before Gary’s obviously tired voice appears quietly but calmly on the other end, “Ayda, I think you should come over, he’s locked him and myself in his studio and refuses to open the door. He’s even threatening to hurt himself if I try to leave.” There’s a pause filled with silence from both.  
“This is serious Ayda”, he continues “I think it’s time to get him proper help if you know what I mean”. Ayda is shocked at his words but instantly understands and nods silently in reply, as her sense begins to sink back in, “I’ll call them now, and meet you there - is he there with you now? Can he hear us?” she worries.  
“No, I mean he is but he’s tucked away in a corner, humming to himself at the moment, I don’t think he’s really listening to me but he won’t let me go Ayda, and every time I try to comfort him, he – ….I can’t…I just can’t. I’m sorry, but I don’t think me being here is helping, if anything I think it’s making him worse.” Ayda could hear the sincere sadness of failure in his voice, she knew he was wrong, she knew if anyone could help him it was Gary, “Don’t worry, I know you are helping, and I’m forever grateful for you even trying” she pauses a moment before quietly continuing “you’re right, it’s time. I’ve got to stop being in denial, he needs urgent professional help” her voice sounding wearily but determined, “I’ll see you with an ambulance soon”. She puts the call down only to immediately make another - “Paramedics please….yes I will need the police department too”.

*************************************************************************************  
Leaving immediately after the call, she was still surprised when she turned up at their LA family home before the emergency services. She unlocked the door and decided to leave it and the gate ajar, in order to allow the paramedics easy access. The house was still laced in darkness, dawn was only just starting to approach. 

Inside the house it was quiet, so quiet. She immediately began to make her way quietly down to the basement/studio. She treaded carefully, not wanting to alert Robbie to her presence too much, she didn’t want to cause him additional distress and was in fact inwardly hoping Gary had gotten him to sleep at least. She reached the door, but abruptly paused as the voices within suddenly became audible, and heated. She could recognise her ex-husband’s voice yelling, tinged with obvious anger and almost hysteria – “YOU! It’s you! It’s always you! Why do you do this to me?! Why do you have to have this effect on me?! I hate myself for how you make me feel, but I can’t help it, I can’t help these feelings!” he was almost screaming. Ayda’s eyes grew wide with shock at Rob's sudden outburst.  
“I know Rob, I know….I’m sorry” Ayda heard Gary’s voice by contrast, much calmer and sedate than his irate companion’s, it was also slightly muffled as if he was standing further away from the door. She heard Rob tut loudly in reply, “Don’t you dare!” Robbie yelled, “don’t you dare start with the ‘I’m sorry’ line AGAIN! What are you even sorry for, huh?! I mean look at you - look what I did, and what I nearly could’ve done - this is MY problem, not yours! It’s always been my problem, right?!” He was beginning to sound manic.  
“Rob please, this isn’t about us, this is about now, the help you need now, I just want to help you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”  
“What? Help me with my addiction…to you! Ha! Why even bother anyway?” he asks cynically.  
“Because I care about you…I care so much about you….I love you, you know I do” Ayda can hear Gary’s tired voice pleading with Robbie to see sense but instead she simply hears a snigger from Robbie in response, “Love?! You don’t love ME – you never did, not the way you’re supposed to!” his voice was starting to crack, “Why couldn’t you have just loved me properly, like you were supposed to?! Eh?! If you had, you would’ve saved me all this pain now!” Gary didn’t respond but Ayda doubted Robbie was even waiting for one, as he continued, “If I just knew how you really felt– I mean, why do you have to close it away anyway?! Why do you have to be this closed to your feelings, because I know you’re hiding it, I KNOW IT!”  
“Rob, not this again…” Gary responded wearily, “I can’t keep going over this old ground with you, why keep raking up what we can’t change, something I can’t change. Just please leave the past in the past, PLEASE.” He begged the younger man.  
“How can I?” Robbie replied, “That’s the problem isn’t it, that’s why I’m an addict because I can’t let things go, I’m not strong enough, and…and I don’t want to neither! After all the past is all I really have now isn’t it?! – My past with you, with the lads, and my past with Ayda, and the kids – what else have I got now, eh?”  
“You still have ALL that, I am still here, and me and the lads always will be, and so will Ayda. She still loves you, you will never lose her and the kids, not ever!” Gary tried his hardest to reassure and comfort his friend.

Ayda sighed at Gary’s last words, deciding that was her cue, she brought her fist gently down on the thick wooden panel two times and waited. There was no answer to her knock. “Rob? Gary?” She nervously tried, before finding a stronger voice to add, “Please let me in – please Rob, I want see you’re ok”  
The response betrayed any shock he may have felt at Ayda’s sudden presence, and instead appeared levelled and quite composed, “No, Ayda. I don’t want you to see me like this”.  
“Please Robbie, I don’t care what you look like – I’m your wife, please just let me in!” She begged while reaching down into her purse to find her own spare copy for the basement door. In the distant background somewhere she could finally hear nearby sirens and paused, questioning whether she should she go in, or wait for them. No – she needed to make sure Robbie was ok, besides she needed to calm him before the paramedics got there. She cleared her voice, “Gary – I’m coming in, I just want to check you’re both ok” – she waited for his reply as she brought up the key she needed for the lock. But before she could turn it, Gary’s sudden simple reply stopped her dead in her tracks, his words chilling her to her very core...  
“No Ayda don’t. …He’s got a gun”.


	2. part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three hours earlier, with just Gary and Rob in a locked studio...and a gun.

## My Addiction: Part 2

3 hours earlier….

Robbie passed Gary a mug of coffee, the fact that Robbie was able to make a mug of coffee was a good sign, and it made Gary wonder whether Robbie was as bad as Ayda had made out. Gary sat on a small sofa, across from where his old friend was now nestling back down into a massive black leather armchair behind a desk. Robbie seemed occupied by the steaming mug in front of him, which gave Gary ample time to look a little more closely at him. He was about 4 days overdue of a shave, and his hair was splaying out at all angles as if he’d just got out of bed. Gary had noticed all that the moment Robbie had opened the door to him a short while ago, but it was on this closer inspection that Gary also noticed the dark circles under his sunken bloodshot eyes, and the pale complexion they were set in, his face almost grey. He was hunched over the mug gently blowing a cool breeze over it, when he looked up and met Gary’s eyes. “Gaz – don’t look at me like that!” He spoke in an irritated tone, “I don’t need you of all people. Looking at me like that – I know I look a state alrigh’!”

“I don’t think you look a state, I think you look tired…incredibly tired Rob” Gary spoke gently, “I’m worried about you, we all are” Gary continued, but merely received a shrug in response. “Rob, please – please talk to me, tell me what I can do to help you”. This time Gary received more than a shrug in reply Rob looked at Gary, cocking his head to one side like a lost little puppy, and raised a suggestable eyebrow. Gary recognised that facial expression, “Oh no, Bob behave! You know what I mean – be serious!” He said, half-jokingly.  
“You want me to be serious, fine –help me turn back time and stop my wife leaving me then! Can you do that?! Huh?! I mean you’re the Great and Powerful Gary Barlow! You can do anythin’ righ’? So do THAT!” Rob knew he was being harsh but he didn’t care, he didn’t care about anything right now. Right now all Robbie felt was numb and that familiar feeling was both scary and inviting. He wasn’t paying attention and so was a little shocked to look up from his steaming mug and see Gary standing over him, his face was not stern as such but conveyed the look of someone who was growing impatient of his crap. Rob enjoyed that look on Gary, because it meant the veil was slipping a little, it meant he was wearing Gary down to his level. Robbie found Gary an enigma, the way he would go through things, horrible things but come out with a smile; he put it down to his skill of compartmentalising everything – locking up feelings, protecting himself from the hurt and anger, it was something Robbie was simply born without. He envied that, he envied how Gary wasn’t controlled, even strangled by his feelings, but it also incensed him a lot of the time, because all he’s ever wanted to know was Gary’s feelings. Life would’ve been so much simpler if he could just know how Gary felt about ‘stuff’. 

Gary, bending his knees till he was level with Robbie, met his eyes with a tired but determined look in them, “Don’t pull that defensive crap on my Bob”, he retorted, “You forget I KNOW you, and exactly how you operate - and this, THIS is ‘classic Robbie’.” He wasn’t shouting or arguing with Robbie, he didn’t need to. “Of course, what was I thinkin’!” Robbie offered, his tone dripping with lazy sarcasm. “The Great and Powerful Gary Barlow is all knowing and all seeing, of course he’d see straight thorough me, or at least he’d like to think so!” he continued, an edge of venom forming on his words. Gary was taking none of it, he had heard this all before, he’d seen this side of Robbie before and he was not going back there, and neither was Robbie – he was not going to let him sink, not this time. “Just STOP IT! I know you’re just trying to push me away, that’s how you work, after all you can’t wallow in your own self-pity if someone else is here, so I’m staying put. I don’t care what you say, you’re not gonna get rid of me!” Gary’s words were powerful in tone, not loud, just deep and powerful. It was enough to temporarily shake Rob out of his darkness. Gary got back on to his feet and walk back to the other side of the room, Rob watched him, pondering on Gary’s words… “You mean like how I’ve managed to get rid of everyone else?!” he asked, down-cast. “I didn’t say that-” Gary countered, “you didn’t need to!” Rob quickly responded, “It doesn’t make it any less true!” He could feel a tears threatening to escape, a familiar lump forming at the back of his throat, “I pushed her, I just kept pushing her away, because of my own character failures, and now look – she’s finally escaped, and I don’t blame her, in fact it’s the best thing she’s ever done!” the tears now steadily but silently slipping down the edges of his eyes, as his head fell back to lean on the leather back, defeated.

“Rob – it’s not too late, you can make it all better, just tell her-”  
“NO Gaz!! I can’t! It was one slip up too many as far as she’s concerned. She’s had to deal with so much being married to me, but that was the last straw! She’s done with me, I know she is. She’s done being my beard.” A tiny laugh broke his words, a familiar sardonic, half-manic grin plastered on is face.   
“Rob – don’t start with the beard thing again, it’s joke, it’s just a joke – you are NOT gay!” Gary said. It was Robbie’s mask of course, and Gary knew it well, and continued, “The problem is when you tell the same joke all the time, you start forgetting what the actual truth is, that’s all ”!  
“Ha! Wishful thinkin’? Or are you just trying to convince yourself?” Rob challenged, the manic grin growing wider. Gary’s eyes burrowed deep into Rob’s, making Robbie’s grin fade a little, he knew Gary’s patience was wearing thin. 

“FINE! I’m not gaaaaaaaay, if that will make you happy! But fuck Gaz, I’m not straight neither!” He spoke calmly and with a small smile, “How can I be?!” Robbie asked.  
Gary had no answer, he never had an answer, usually it was at this point he’d like to change subjects real quick but he had the distinct feeling Robbie wasn’t going to let him this time. Indeed Robbie wasn’t. His face was serious as he put out his mug down, got up from his chair and was walked over to him, he eyes not breaking away from Gary’s for a second. Gary swallowed nervously, he knew that look, he’d seen that look before. Most times they’d joke about it, it was a running joke with the rest of the band after all, but not this time. There was hunger in Robbie’s eyes, like there was a deep need for an answer, and Gary was the person to provide it. Gary instinctively pushed himself back further into the wall as if to create more distance between them, but Robbie edged ever closer still; subtly licking his lips only made Gary bite down on his own. Rob was too close now, there were just inches between them and Gary averted his gaze down so not to look up into Robbie’s eyes and be taken in by them, not again.

“How can I be Gaz?!” His words were slow, his voice low and seductive, “When just seeing you, and being this close to you affects me so much! How can I be straight when all I want is to hold you, to feel you and kiss you? I crave you, actually crave your touch; for every inch of me to be touching every inch of you – that’s not straight!” Rob’s voice stayed seductively calm as he gently moved a hand to Gary’ face, raising Gary’s chin to meet his eyes. But Gary denied him, resisting Rob’s charming words and instead jerked his head away to the side, shutting his eyes to the world. Even to Gary that felt like a pathetic attempt to evade the situation. 

Rob for one, was nonplussed by Gary’s reaction and even smiled to himself as if he were expecting it. He could hear Gary’s breathing quickening, see his chest heavily heaving. He couldn’t help but enjoy the sight, he revelled in the instant effect he caused the man. He slowly traced his fingers down from Gary’s chin, to slide down his neck, his fingertips gently moving over each and every whisker. The effect was mesmerizing. Gary’s eyes were screwed shut, his breathing so heavy, he was silently panicking, fighting with himself. Robbie could see it all, he knew that fight all too well; but where Gary was only faced with it on these rare occasions Rob got him alone, Rob on the other-hand, had an on-going battle every day.

He was all caught up in his own feelings to notice the sudden change in Gary’s demeanour - he’d fought with himself, and his head had won. Gary opened his eyes and batted Robbie’s hand immediately away, “Enough, Rob”, he spoke strong and determinedly. “I know what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work – you’re just trying to make me uncomfortable enough to divert the attention away from facing your problems!”  
Oh this had Robbie, very amused, “Oh, I am, am I?!” he quipped with a raised brow, “How very insightful of you, not at all ironic” he continued sarcastically  
Gary chose to ignore Rob’s sarcasm, “You can sit there and smirk all you like, but I’m not giving in that easily, I want to help you”. Gary spoke calmly, his breathing fully recovered now.

Rob felt his eyes narrow with slight confusion, he knew Gary was genuine, but still he knew Gary was also smart and would want to refocus on Rob’s problems, instead of ‘theirs’. Rob didn’t of course, for he knew he had been drinking when he knew he shouldn’t, and he knew emotionally, he was in a dark place…but the way Robbie saw it, he had enough alcohol in him to give him a nice amount of reckless confidence. He had Gary alone in a rare opportunity, perfectly positioned to unhinge him (in the kindest possible way)! Of course, just enough to come clean with his feelings, it was worth a try – and yes it would divert Gary away from discussing rehab.  
Gary was looking at him, trying to work out what was going on in his head – Robbie both loved and hated that. He loved that Gary wanted to try, and hated that Gary probably knew what was exactly going on in his head.  
“Rob, I’m serious” Gary suddenly began, “– we need talk about why you’ve started drinking again, and-” He never finished that sentence because his mouth was suddenly possessed….by another.

Rob had seen his opportunity and taken it. He leaned in and placed his lips instantly on Gary’s – moving them lightly and gently across Gary’s, they were soft but still. He wasn’t responding to the kiss at all. Rob opened his eyes to find Gary’s shocked eyes looking back at him, but Rob could feel something else - Gary’s guard was down; he was stiff as a board but he wasn’t instantly pushing Rob away, and something about him even suggested to Rob that this wasn’t completely unwanted, so Rob took that as all the encouragement he needed and continued. He advanced on the smaller man in front of him, this time not so soft, he brought his hand up stroking Gary’s right side, tracing his fingers along his frame until they found the neatly trimmed whiskers on his cheek – they were always softer than expected. Rob continued the kiss, waiting for some kind of reaction but Gary gave none, but was still not pushing Rob off, he just let Robbie continue, and so he did. Robbie’s left hand was gently caressing Gary’s cheek before he moved it slowly, reaching behind Gary’s ear and into his fluffy hair, he always enjoyed having his fingers in Gary’s hair. Gradually he pulled his head towards him, pulling his entire being into Robbie’s arms and it was at that moment Gary finally buckled. Robbie felt Gary’s body relax a bit, he opened his eyes to find Gary’s now closed and his shaky mouth now beginning to move with Robbie’s, he was finally responding and the effect was pure euphoria for Robbie. Wasting no time, Robbie pulled Gary even closer into his body, his arms engulfing him, wrapping around him, and proceeded to deepen the kiss. Opening his lips further apart his let his tongue play against Gary’s lips, waiting for admittance; Gary was hesitating, but Robbie pushed onwards, slowly teasing Gary’s lips apart until he finally broke through and Gary finally fully surrendered to the kiss, and to Robbie. Robbie could feel Gary’s body go limp at first, but Robbie had him secure in his arms he wasn’t going to let him fall away from him this time. Robbie’s tongue explored Gary’s mouth, tasting every inch of it, the intensity of the kiss causing a faint whimper to escape from Gary, followed by a soft groan which sent Robbie crazy. Every inch of his body was awoken and stirring, a fire from deep inside him, roaring into life, it was pure lust and it wanted Gary…he needed Gary’s body to join him. 

As the kiss deepened and became more intense, their mouths worked furiously together, their hands roaming each other’s body - Gary could feel his body reacting to Robbie, the attraction between their two bodies was pulling them together like a magnet and Robbie kept pulling Gary into his body, tighter and tighter until they were pressed right up against each other, like two pieces of Velcro, not an inch between them. Gary could feel the power of Robbie’s lust taking him over, he couldn’t think straight, he knew it was wrong but the further they went the less wrong it felt. Sparks were resonating through his body, pulsating energy in his belly involuntarily moving downwards to into his groin. He instinctively moved his hips closer into Robbie’s and suddenly felt Robbie’s want. The unexpected hardness he felt from Rob’s erection caught him off guard, he suddenly realised where they were heading and it scared him. It scared him because he loved his wife and he was not a cheater; but his body continued to betray his mind. As Rob’s hunger for more grew, Gary grew weaker under his touch, Robbie’s hands were on every inch of his body, groping him, and Gary could not help the soft moans escape his lips. It was turning him on and he could do nothing to stop it.

The soft involuntarily noises escaping Gary was sending Robbie wild, he could feel Gary arch his back towards Rob as he worked on his neck – kissing, sucking, and biting with a passion. He knew his kisses were getting messier and rougher but he felt like he just wanted to devour every bit of the man who was also now kissing him back like there was no tomorrow. Robbie couldn’t help grinning into Gary’s neck, he wanted this man so much, he couldn’t care about everything else going wrong in his life at this precise moment, after all this was all he HAD wanted, for a very long time. Gary’s hips were kept pressing into his, making Robbie’s groin feel like it was on fire. It ached for more, he needed more and he needed it now. His roughness turned to desperation as he found Gary’s lips once more, silencing his little groans, and stealthily moved one hand slowly down towards Gary’s trousers, he pulled lightly at the hem wanting to release him but there was no give, so he broke the kiss for a mere second to take a look down at his new focus, the zipper. Finding what he was feeling around for, his mouth went back to Gary’s while his fingers gently pulled down the zipper before carefully reaching inside, hunting for Gary’s growth. He found what he was looking for and immediately began to furiously rub Gary’s member, wanting to feel a hardness there to match his own, but he would quickly regret his haste and lack of control.

The sudden assault to Gary’s private area was too far, too quickly and actually had the reverse effect to what Robbie had hoped to achieve, instead it seemed to stun Gary out of the passionate moment. His body immediately began to pull away and his small moans of ecstasy quickly changed into more vocal moans of objection, “Noooo….no Rob – stop, please stop”, he managed as he pushed the eager man’s hand away, peeling his body away from him too. “I can’t, I can’t do this I’m sorry”, Gary whined, still pushing the taller man away from him; Rob was refusing to listen though and instead attempted to regain their passion by kissing Gary’s neck intensively again, but Gary was no longer lost in the moment. His mind was switched back on and he was in control of his body once more. He pushed Robbie away and finally the taller man relented and backed off. Gary was struck by the dark expression of want in Robbie’s eyes. Robbie was puffing a little out of breath, his chest heaving up and down as his dark eyes bored straight into Gary’s; broodingly shaking his head at Gary, in hunger, in disbelief but mostly in pure frustration of his lustful wanting suddenly being denied.  
“FUCK Gary!!! - why do you do this?!” he yelled at the smaller man, “No, I won’t let you stop this - I know you want this, you want it just as much as me, I felt it!”  
“No Rob – I don’t, I just got caught up in the moment but I don’t – how many times do I have to say it. I’m married, and I’m not gay!” Gary exclaimed. He felt more in control now but he could also feel his body shaking, whether it was just the aftermath of what had just happened, or the result of adrenaline coursing through him as this new confrontation from Robbie, he wasn’t sure. He could feel his heart heavy in his chest and a lump was building in his throat as thoughts of his wife flooded his mind. He lowered his gaze away from Robbie and fixed it on the floor.  
“See you can’t even look at me, because you know I’m right Gary, I know you love Dawn but you can’t deny this neither. Gary, I…please, I need you”. Robbie’s voice was softer now and he made his way closer to Gary once more. Gary was hunched over as if he was about to start crying, it was a sight that caused Rob’s heart to melt – he knew what was going through Gary’s mind, as it had all being going through Rob’s mind for years. Rob knew in his heart that Gary wanted this but also knew he had to break him down to get him to admit it to himself.  
“You just got to surrender to your feelings Gaz, I know what you’re feeling, I’ve been there-”   
“No you don’t!” Gary interrupted, “I’m not like you Rob and I NEVER can be so just stop trying to make me do something just to satisfy what you want!” Gary yelled defensively. Rob looked at him incredulously, and anger started to boil up inside him, “satisfy ME?! – Oh keep telling yourself that! But you want it just as much as I do but can’t admit it to yourself, but I’m not gonna let you run away from this! No, this time – you’re going to face it, I’m going to prove it to you”! Robbie said sounding pissed off but determined, and almost menacingly to Gary’s ears. It was enough to catch him off guard as Robbie suddenly advanced on Gary, pushing him roughly against the wall, his tongue immediately invading Gary’s mouth. His grip was hard, he was a lot stronger than Gary, so Robbie knew he had him pinned, and knew Gary had no choice but to give into him now. Gary was panicking; he couldn’t get away, he wasn’t enjoying the invasion in his mouth or the heavy groping he was now receiving, and he wanted it to stop. Gary struggled, and pushed his chest away from Robbie, but Robbie just grabbed him harder – single-mindedly clawing at his shirt for grip, ripping the front pocket, determined more than ever to force Gary to confront his imprisoned feelings. Rob pushed his restored erection into Gary’s groin, wanting to excite something in Gary too. It was too much for Gary, who began to whimper, “Please stop this Rob, please”…his shaking voice small and weak; it immediately stopped something in Robbie. He broke away from the smaller man in time to see a small tear escape down Gary’s cheek, and was shocked at seeing fear in Gary’s expression. Backing immediately off from Gary, he noticed the torn pocket and Gary’s dishevelled look. ‘What the fuck was I thinking?!’ Robbie thought to himself as he crumbled hopelessly to the floor.   
“Oh Gaz, I’m so sorry – I…I…wasn’t going to...I wouldn’t EVER…I’d never hurt you!” He pleaded without looking up. Robbie put his face in his hands, shocked and appalled by his behaviour. Gary now somewhat recovered, looked at the grown man on the floor in front of him and immediately rushed forward to kneel down beside him, putting a comforting hand on Rob’s shoulder. He looked at him with pity and sadness, of course he knew Robbie wouldn’t hurt him, but he also knew he was in a dark place right now and there was still alcohol coursing through his veins. Robbie needed help. But right now he felt completely ill-equipped to help him. Robbie was still hunched over, his face hidden away from sight. Gary sighed and stood up, he walked over to a small sofa and sat down, mimicking Robbie with his own face held in his hands. He was tired and emotionally drained from what just happened and what it meant, why he kissed Robbie back, why it went so far, what would he tell Dawn?! He didn’t want to think about all that now, so he instead sat silently exhausted, pushing all the other thoughts out of his mind, locking them away deep inside. He lifted his head a little and looked over at the heap that was Robbie.   
Gary didn’t know what he felt, that was the God’s honest truth! But he didn’t want Robbie to suffer anymore with his feelings.   
“Bob, come ‘ere!” he called over to the heap, holding his arms open, inviting Robbie to join him on the sofa. Robbie looked up a little confused at first but gradually picked himself up off the floor and timidly made his way over to the sofa. His mind was so fucked up but as he looked at Gary’s face he saw genuine love and forgiveness there. He collapsed onto the sofa straight into Gary’s arms, leaning into Gary’s side with his head on the older man’s chest, he quietly sobbed an apology again. Gary simply told him to hush and proceeded to envelope the whimpering man in his warm arms. Muttering calming sounds and reassurances. Robbie instantly began to feel calmer and more relaxed by simply just listening to the deep vibrations of Gary’s voice through his chest cavity. Soon he felt himself drifting off to sleep, he burrowed himself deeper into Gary’s side, soaking up his scent and warmth and finally gave in to the tiredness of his head and heart.

Time went by, so slowly. Gary’s arms were numb, still wrapped around the sleeping form of a troubled man. He shook his head gently, the whole thing was a hopeless situation. He watched him sleep a little longer, every now and then giving him a tighter squeeze, to make sure that even in his sleep, he knew someone had hold of him. He lent down over Robbie’s sleeping form, and planted a slow, gentle kiss on his forehead. He was interrupted by a sudden vibrating buzz on his phone. He released one arm and reached for the phone in his pocket.   
It was a text from Dawn:  
“Babe, can you give me a call when you’re awake. D. XOXOX”

He smiled as he looked down at the text. He loved Dawn more than life, and he’d do anything to protect her from anything that could hurt her. That was his job, as her husband – he needed to protect her and the kids, first and foremost. With that thought in his head, he turned his gaze away from the sleeping man, and began to text a reply back to Dawn. When he went to click send it saved to his outbox, he’d lost signal. He stretched his arm out to find signal, but still nothing, so he tried to wiggle a bit more of his body free – still nothing. He tutted and wiggled more, and slowly he began to free himself from under Robbie, carefully placing him back down on the sofa. Checking Robbie was still gently snoring, he made his way across the room to the nearest roof vent and eventually caught a bit of signal. After the text (explaining he was up early but would call her a bit later after the kids were back from school) was sent, he had a thought - maybe he should call Ayda, while Robbie was asleep. He fought with himself for a second before pressing call. He waited for it to ring but the signal had gone again, “come on you sodding thing-”  
“Who are you calling?” a clear and calm voice suddenly spoke, making Gary jump and spun around to the sofa. It was empty. Instead he turned to see Robbie standing up behind the desk. There was a strange look in his eyes, an eerie calm. Gary put the phone down and just stared at him blankly.  
“Who-were-you-calling?” Robbie repeated with raised eyebrows. Gary then noticed he was standing in front of a small back box. It was thick like a safety box. “What’s in there”? He asked him.  
“Avoiding the question I see…” he said with a smirk. Gary shook his head, “it was Ayda. I was going to call Ayda, the call didn’t go through, ok?” Gary retorted.   
Robbie made no reply but maintained a strange demeanour about him, or so Gary thought. There was silence between them and Gary began to feel unnerved, something about Robbie had definitely changed. “Have you taken something?!” Gary carefully asked.  
“What would I have taken?” Robbie asked coolly.  
“I dunno…you just seem…maybe you’re hungry – how ‘bout I go make us some breakfast?” Gary asked trying to take away some of the tension.  
“No, I’m not hungry”. Robbie said simply and then casually went to the door and locked it, leaving the key in the door.   
Gary chuckled with confusion, “why are you locking us in?”  
“I’m not – I’m locking others out. I don’t want anyone else around right now” Robbie said calmly.  
Gary was more and more unnerved. Something was definitely different with Robbie. “No one’s even around, come on, let’s get out of this room for a bit.” He made his way past Robbie to the door.  
“STOP! Gaz don’t open that door - please”. It was the ‘please’ that caught Gary’s attention. There was a weird sound to it, a weird desperation. Confused, he turned to face Robbie and got the shock of his life, to find a gun in Robbie’s hand. He wasn’t pointing it at anyone. Just holding it.   
“Is that loaded?! Where the hell did it come from?! And WHY DO YOU HAVE A GUN?!!!” Gary could feel adrenaline starting to spike in him.  
“Relax, Gaz. It’s mine. I got it in 2005 to protect this place – keep it locked and loaded in this thing” He said eerily calm, using the gun to point to the box.   
Gary went to the box and opened it. There was a box of bullets, a half-empty vodka bottle and a small plastic zip lock bag with 3 white tablets in it. He took the bag out and shoved it in Robbie’s face, “What the hell are these?! Is this what you’ve taken? – I know you’ve taken something!”  
Robbie just smiled, “they’re nothing, just somethin’ to take the edge off – to take some of the pain away…just for a little while. Just let me let go of it – just give me a moment of peace”.   
Gary stunned, wasn’t sure if Robbie was still talking to him or himself. He was so annoyed with himself for letting this happen. Robbie had been sober for so long and now not only had he had alcohol but now drugs too. But the drugs were one thing, the gun quite another… “Put the gun back, Rob. Please, I hate guns.”  
“Why? Are you scared Gaz? –There’s no need to be, I won’t hurt YOU – I told you that earlier, don’t you believe me?” I asked somewhat drowsily.  
“Of course I know you won’t. It’s you I’m worried about. Please Rob, put it away and I’ll go make us some breakfast”, Gary encouraged.  
“I told you I’m not hungry, so there’s no reason to leave, is there? As for the gun…I think I’ll just keep hold of it, for now.” Robbie simply stated, walking back over to the door, he removed the key and tucked it away.  
“Why?! You don’t need the gun. Please, Rob – this is how accidents happen! You hear about it all the time here in the U.S. –“  
Rob looked at Gary square in the eyes, “Would it be such a bad thing, if there was a little accident? I think everyone would be better off if I did have an accident, wouldn’t they?!” Robbie’s voice was cracking as he clung to the gun tightly. Gary looked at him sadly, Rob’s face was looking flushed as tears threatened to emerge. Rob caught the look Gary was giving him.  
“I told you I hate that pity look Gaz – just admit it! Your life would be so much easier if I weren’t around – wouldn’t it?!”   
But Gary shook his head most vehemently, “Of course it wouldn’t! How could you even think that?!” He told him.  
“Oh please – it would! No more worries about the media and something slipping out of my mouth during interviews, no more complicated history to explain, no more complicated friendship, no more complicated conversations with the wife, no more complicated feelings, no more me; NO MORE COMPLICATIONS!” he laughed manically before calmly continuing, “After all that’s what I am to you, ain’t I? Just one big giant complication!” Robbie’s voice was shaking, “Besides Ayda would be fine – she’s such a strong woman, and the kids they’d be better off than having me around; a needy, insecure, addict who’s always one thing away from a melt down!” Robbie sunk to the ground in the corner behind the desk.   
“Me mum – she might be sad though”, now cradling the gun, he sat and whimpered. Gary went over to him to comfort him but Rob pushed him away, “NO GAZ! Just don’t ok! Because it’s all true”. But Gary shook his head and told him he was being silly.   
“No, I’m not kidding Gary! - Aren’t you tired of trying to explain ‘us’ to yourself, as well as to your wife. I know I am! I’m tired Gaz. I’m tired of feeling like this…and you too must be exhausted of trying to push all of this shit deep down inside so you don’t have to confront it surely!” he reasoned, and Gary began to interrupt but he wouldn’t let him, “I’m tired Gaz, and I don’t want to live a life without my family –with me, here ….so why should I?!” He asked. Gary tried to reassure him, he told him he would always have his family, that they loved him. He was repeating himself again and again to the trembling figured hunched in the corner like a trapped animal. He wouldn’t listen to it, and every time Gary tried to physically comfort him, the influence Robbie was under would either drive him to try to kiss Gary again, or worse - threaten to shot himself, there was no in between. 

Eventually Gary backed all the way off. Robbie was still mumbling to himself but along with the drugs and the tears, he was practically rocking himself to sleep.   
Gary couldn’t take anymore. He looked back at Robbie with a pensive look, before making another decision. He walked back over to the vent, and with his back to the desk (and Robbie) he waved his phone trying to get a signal. With signal, he looked at his recent calls list, checked his watch: 5.07am, and sighed before making the call.  
“Gaz, is everything ok?!” Ayda’s voice sounded alert and worried. Gary paused trying to pick his words carefully but knowing he needed to get to straight to the point,   
“Ayda, I think you should come over, he’s locked him and myself in his studio and refuses to open the door. He’s even threatening to hurt himself if I try to leave.” There’s a pause filled with silence from both. “This is serious Ayda”, he continued, “I think it’s time to get him proper help if you know what I mean”. There was silence on the other end. He imagined Ayda was shocked at his words, until she simply replies, “I’ll call them now, and meet you there - is he there with you now? Can he hear us?”  
“No”, Gary replies earnestly, “I mean he is but he’s tucked away in a corner, humming to himself at the moment, I don’t think he’s really listening to me but he won’t let me go Ayda, and every time I try to comfort him, he – ….I can’t…I just can’t. I’m sorry, but I don’t think me being here is helping, if anything I think it’s making him worse.” Gary honestly didn’t know what else to do.  
“Don’t worry, I know you are helping, and I’m forever grateful for you even trying” Ayda tells him, “you’re right, it’s time. I’ve got to stop being in denial, he was bad enough last time I saw him, he needs professional help now - I’ll see you with an ambulance soon”. Gary was relieved to hear her say that. With the phone down he took a deep breath - all he needed to do now was get the gun away. He knew it’d be so much better for Robbie if he could get rid of any evidence of the gun before Ayda got here.   
Unfortunately, Robbie wasn’t quite as out of it, as Gary had thought he was.  
“Typical!! What a fucking typical move from you Barlow – calling her just so you don’t have to deal with me or yourself! Did it ever fucking occur to you that I wouldn’t want her to see me in this state?! Rob yelled incredulously. Gary shook his head.   
“I’m sorry Rob, but I had to – I care so much for you that I don’t care if you hate me for it, I had to tell her. But she doesn’t know about the gun, so if you put it back away in the box, she’ll never have to know – no one will have to know!” Gary told him, reassuringly, he hoped.  
But Robbie simply sneered and ignored Gary’s advice, “Don’t give me the ‘I care’ line. You don’t care. Not really”.   
“Of course I care, how many times do I have to tell you?! …I’m getting sick of having to prove it Rob, but if you want me to prove it then just tell me how!” Gary asked, exasperated.  
“Fine, you want to prove it – then call Ayda back and tell her to stay away!” He entreated.  
“No, it’s because I care, I won’t do that Rob” Gary said defiantly.  
“In that case, you’re going to have to prove it another way. I won’t lie Gaz, I’ve wanted to seduce you since the moment you got here, and you know that’s true.” He simply stated. Gary nodded but was worried where this was leading, “What’s your point, Rob?”  
“My point is, for once in your life I want you to be honest with me, if you truly care about me - it’d help me if you could just give me a sign that it’s not all in my head.” Robbie pleaded, but he was met with furrowed eyebrows from Gary, so he continued, “Those walls that you build up so high, I want you to let them down - just drop a little, just give it all up to me…just for once!” Rob directly asked him. But something about that annoyed Gary, Rob could see it on his face. Gary violently shook his head, “Are you serious?!” he exclaimed derisively.  
“So basically you want me to give into you, and you’ll get rid of the gun?! What am I supposed to do? Simply ‘lie back and think of England’, just let you fuck me to make you feel better?! Is THAT IT Rob?!” Gary yelled.   
Rob was horrified as he realised Gary had misunderstood his meaning, “No, Gaz- I didn’t mean that!”  
“No, it’s clear now! That’s all you really want isn’t it? - It’s just fucking lust s’all!” Gary continued, and Rob thought he sounded hurt, “Gaz, I meant give into your real feelings!” He implored. But Gary refused to listen, “No, you meant to give you ‘what YOU want’…but I bet you don’t even mean anything you say about ‘feelings’! It’s just got all confused in your head and the alcohol & crap you’ve downed tonight won’t be helping matters neither - that’s for sure!” Gary said matter-of-factly. It was enough to push Robbie’s buttons. It seemed to him that even now, Gary continued to reason everything Robbie said and did, to the alcohol and drugs. Robbie’s jaw dropped at that, ‘How DARE he – “just lust’”? “confused”?!’ - the anger was swelling up in him once more, and a sardonic smirk possessed his lips.  
Gary saw the smirk, and the anger shoot back into Robbie’s eyes, at his comments. He also knew Robbie was still holding the gun securely in his hand, but his own common sense wasn’t working, he was so emotionally drained as well that his ability to think carefully before talking had left the building, instead his own anger and frustration was taking over – he was sick of going around in circles, for nothing - “I’m not to going to sleep with you! Just get that into your head!!” Gary yelled in sudden anger, as if to put an end to it. If he thought that would put an end to it, he was mistaken. Robbie was hurt but just simply continued to smirk at him in defence.

There was a silence. They both stood there, looking at each other from across the room. Robbie was still by the door, holding the gun in his hand, tapping it slowly against the side of his leg.  
He didn’t want to hurt Gary with his words, but at the same time he did – he was just built with a malicious streak in him, and it was programmed to hurt the ones he loved the most; “That’s what Ayda’s hoping for you know, that you final concede and get laid. That’s what she’s said all along, so I’m not the only one! She probably sent you here tonight with that intention, didn’t she?!” He smirked with his mocking but the smirk soon fell. Watching Gary’s thoughtful expression, before the thoughts of Ayda caused himself to become lost in his aching heart once more. They both stayed quiet for some time, their tempers still flaring at each other, but their minds also heavy with the other inside them.   
“She’s always seen how the very thought of you consumes me, every time you’re near I turn into someone else, someone who isn’t the man she married!” His tone turned serious and sad, “Our marriage never really stood a chance, not with those sort of complications lying somewhere inside my skull, and my very soul – no wonder she left me”, he slumped dejectedly.  
Gary narrowed his eyes at that, “Oh, so you’re saying it’s all my fault, I wouldn’t have sex with you and so your marriage is over! Yeah, that makes sense. I am not responsible for this Rob-  
“I know that! Did I say you were?! I’m just fucking frustrated Gaz…SEXUALLY frustrated – by YOU!!” He shouted, shaken out of his sadness for a moment...but it came back again.   
He heaved a giant sigh, holding onto the bridge of his noise, his face pointed downwards away from Gary’s gaze, “…It just all makes me talk all kinds of crap”, Robbie finally said after a pause, “but one thing is for sure, and that’s my feelings for you. Feelings that I feel stirring in you too”, (Gary shakes his head), “you can deny it all you like, but I felt it when we kissed!” Robbie’s voice was cracking.  
“No, Rob. Please just let it go, it’s not going to happen-” Gary retorted.  
Robbie ignored him, “I just can’t turn mine off like YOU can!” he croaked. “Oh, and shouldn’t you have said, ‘AGAIN’earlier?!” he added with a sly look. Gary looked at him in confusion.

They both paused looking at each other once more. Robbie was quietly surveying the man in front of him, looking for a reply in his eyes. He knew deep down Gary didn’t mean what he said, he just buried his feelings too deep, not allowing them any breath. He supposed he (Robbie) was lucky in that respect, because he was free with his feelings, and he knew he loved Gary in a way that was different, he knew he wanted him and needed him so very much. He, of course loved his family too and needed them just as much and maybe even more so – he didn’t know. But in his deepest desires, he’d have his family and his Gary, in his dreams he already did. He had to cling on to the hope it could come true, he had to…he had to. He was lucky because he had that. He let the gun go a little looser in his grip. Gary instead fought every day to not allow himself that, pushing Robbie away with his words in attempt to maintain the status quo. But Robbie no longer had any status quo to keep, he’d now lost his family, and the man he loved continued to spurn his advances.  
So, if he didn’t have those hopes, those dreams then what was the point in anything…what was the point of being here in this all-consuming pain, only to bring pain to others too. He gripped the gun tightly once again as he realised they’d all be better off without him.   
“Rob…this isn’t about me though, it’s about you, only YOU. So please stop making it about all that other stuff” Gary said, and it as enough to shake Rob out of his thoughts and instead Rob felt his eyes instantly narrow at the man in response, his frustration renewed, and disbelieving anger pumping heat into his blood once more. To him, Gary couldn’t be more wrong, he was evidently avoiding it all again!

– “YOU! It is you! It’s always you! …Why do you do this to me?! ….Why do you have to have this effect on me?! I hate myself for how you make me feel, but I can’t help it, I can’t help these feelings!” Robbie was almost screaming.   
“I know Rob, I know….I’m sorry” Gary, realising his mistake, tried to calm down the situation. The gun was still in Rob’s hand but he didn’t want to bring any further attention to it. Robbie just simply tutted. “Don’t you DARE!” Robbie yelled, “Don’t you dare start with the ‘I’m sorry’ line AGAIN! What are you even sorry for, huh?! I mean look at you - look what I did, and what I nearly could’ve done -” it made him sick just thinking about his aggressive actions towards Gary earlier. He looked Gary deep in the eyes, “this is MY problem, not yours! It’s always been my problem, right?!” He said sarcastically, mimicking Gary’s meaning. He sneered at Gary but instantly crumbled on the inside when he saw Gary’s face drop. Yes, Gary knew him too well, none of that sarcastic crap was going to work on him. He watched as Gary just closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Even now when he was angry at him, he was still transfixed by his majestic presence. They both seemed to have forgotten that Ayda was on her way, and simply continued to go back and forth, blaming each other - lost in a battle of emotions; the one that feels and the one that refuses to, both trying to protect themselves, and each other at the same time.  
“Rob please, I meant this isn’t about us. This is about now, the help you need now, I just want to help you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.” Gary said calmly and quietly, but could not help the slight shake to his voice.  
“What? Help me with my addiction…to you! Ha! Why even bother anyway?” he asks cynically.   
“Because I care about you…I care so much about you….I love you, you know I do” Gary’s tired voice was cracking as he pleaded with Robbie to see some sense and put the gun down. But Robbie simply sniggered in response, “Love?! You don’t love ME – you never did, not the way you’re supposed to!” his voice cracked again, “Why couldn’t you have just loved me properly, like you were supposed to?! Huh?! If you had, you would’ve saved me all this pain now!” Robbie wanted him to say something, anything but Gary didn’t, so he continued, “If I just knew how you really felt– I mean, why do you have to close it away anyway?! Why do you have to be this closed to your feelings, because I know you’re hiding it, I KNOW IT!"  
Robbie’s voice was sombre…and sober, and there was an earnest look in his eyes. Gary returned a sincere look but shook his head, “Rob, not this again…” Gary finally responded wearily, “I can’t keep going over this old ground with you, why keep raking up what we can’t change, something I can’t change. Just please leave the past in the past, PLEASE.” He begged the younger man. 

Robbie, looked at him long and hard. He knew this wasn’t getting them anywhere. Gary was determined to not give it up to him, not his feelings or his body – not tonight anyway. But that didn’t help him now. He needed something, what exactly? - he didn’t know but he couldn’t let it go.  
“How can I?” Robbie replied, “That’s the problem isn’t it, that’s why I’m an addict because I can’t let things go, I’m not strong enough, and…and I don’t want to neither! After all the past is all I really have now isn’t it?! – My past with you, with the lads, and my past with Ayda, and the kids – what else have I got now, eh?” Robbie looked back down at the gun for a moment, a look that didn’t escape Gary’s notice.  
“You still have ALL that, I am still here, and me and the lads always will be, and so will Ayda. She still loves you, you will never lose her and the kids, not ever!” Gary tried his hardest to reassure him, he wanted to physically comfort too; in a weird way he kind of felt his body yearn to comfort him too, to wrap him in a hug and just keep hugging until he let go of the gun. Why did he have to call Ayda earlier? He should’ve just stayed there and let Rob sleep, he thought to himself. He was brought abruptly out of his ‘shoulda/woulda/coulda’ reverie by a small yet distinct knock from the other side of the door. Just as he was thinking about her, Ayda had clearly arrived. But he didn’t call out to her, neither of them did – they just stood there and starred at each other in silent shock not knowing what to do.   
“Rob? Gary?” Ayda’s recognisable voice tried through the door, “Please let me in – please Rob, I want see you’re ok”  
Robbie looked at the door and back at Gary, it was a strained look of distress, “No, Ayda. I don’t want you to see me like this” Rob’s voice cried, not even trying to hide the upset.  
“Please Robbie, I don’t care what you look like – I’m your wife, please just let me in!” She begged from the other side of the door. Gary looked at Robbie, who was shaking his head from side to side, banging the gun against his leg faster and harder. It scared Gary - it was one of those rare times where he couldn’t work out what was going through Robbie’s head, or he was scared to. All he knew was he had to get the gun out of Rob’s hand and finally end this night…safely - for all of them. It was then Gary suddenly heard a rustling on the other side of the door, and could tell Robbie heard it too. She obviously had a key.   
“Gary – I’m coming in, I just want to check you’re both ok”.  
He didn’t want her to walk into this, Rob was still under the influence and holding a gun. He felt he had no choice, he had to get Rob to drop the gun first, so as calmly and composed as he could he muster, he told her, “No Ayda don’t. …He’s got a gun”. 

Rob’s eyes widened with shock, and he shook his head at Gary in disbelief, but Gary raised his eyebrows questioningly at him and mouthed the words ‘drop the gun’. Rob continued to stare calculatingly at Gary standing straight across the room from him. He was silently seething before seemingly changing his mind or regaining his sense; for his arm with the gun started to extend towards the desk, the gun still in his hand but now resting on his desk. It was at this precise time that the door burst open and Ayda dashed in (it was all too fast for Gary’s eyes and Rob’s reactions – they’d been too fixated on each other). Ayda saw the gun leaning sideways on the table but still in Rob’s hands, she made a grab for it. In the shock of the moment, Robbie tried to wriggle his fingers free from the gun but the sudden presence of Ayda’s panicking hands grasping at the weapon trapped his fingers near the trigger, the pressure squeezed it.

If the sound of the weapon firing wasn’t enough of a shock, the ‘kick-back’ was enough for the gun to fall out of both their grasps. It fell from the desk to finally rest on the floor. Rob looked from the gun to Ayda. Ayda looked back at her husband in shock before turning her attention to Gary, Robbie followed her gaze, his eyes searching for and finding Gary’s, Robbie heard Ayda cry out, and his own heart stopped in time.   
Gary was standing there straight across from them, his body stiff in shock, his eyes full of fear and confusion…and pain. “Rob” was all he uttered as the blood dripped from him, a weird taste stayed in his mouth. Rob’s soul burst with agony, he rushed to reach Gary but a sudden onslaught of other arms grabbed him first. He was pushing and fighting against them, he needed to get to Gary but the ‘arms’ in short Navy blue sleeves were stronger and prevented him. His eyes fought to stay locked with Gary’s but the LAPD Officers were pulling him away, forcing him to the ground until all he saw was blackness, and all he heard was Ayda’s stricken words, “Help them! Please just help them!” 

….THEM.

To be continued.


	3. My Addiction - Part 3

Tall, slender, and perfectly poised – Dawn Barlow had always cut a stunning figure in any light, and now as she stood as a lone silhouette against the bay window, a passer-by could’ve innocently mistook her for a stylish mannequin for she stood so perfectly still, lost in her own thoughts. Her only ever-so subtle movement coming from her hands which she held together while gently stroking the small thin gold band on her left hand. She continued to look out the window until then she saw it and she caught her breath. The hearse pulled up to the kerb outside, immediately drawing her eyes to the words “Father” and Husband” neatly displayed as flower wreaths in the windows, behind which sat a glossy mahogany coffin. She continued to strangely gaze at it, unsure of what to really do. She didn’t notice the limousine that soon pulled up slowly behind the hearse, until the driver got out and began to climb the steps…

“Is it time?” A voice spoke from behind her, she made no reply as she watched the limo driver raise his gloved hand to knock on the door, but Dawn heard no knock.  
“Babe, is it time?” A velvet voice behind her murmured again. Dawn sighed as she turned to find a refined slim man looking dapper in his black suit and thin black tie. He’d look smart and sophisticated in any light, if it were not for the incredibly noticeable bright white bandage stuck to the right side of his head. Dawn furrowed her eye brows at him, “What are you doing?! You’re not going to George’s funeral – we’ve already agreed on this Gary!” but her husband simply smiled gently at her, “You look beautiful – is it wrong to say that on the day of your neighbour’s funeral?” he questioned with a soft smirk. Dawn simply rolled her eyes impatiently, “Gary – you’re not going! What if the Paparazzi are out?!” she said shortly. Gary shook his head as he walked towards her by the window, “even the Tabloids wouldn’t sink that low, besides that’s why I went out and walked the dogs yesterday – so they wouldn’t need to lurk out there again today – they’ve got their photos of my mutilated ear!” He spoke with his soft humour, gently into her own perfectly fine right ear as he snaked his warm arms around her small waist, smoothly pulling her into his warm body, “besides, I’m no way letting you go to a funeral on your own.”

Dawn was still hesitant but couldn’t deny she wouldn’t rather have her partner by her side today, she slipped her arms lightly around her husband’s neck, snuggling her face against his whiskery neck (opposite side to the bandaged ear) and she engulfed the heavenly familiar scent of his aftershave, “Thank you, I can’t deny I wasn’t looking forward to going by myself today, but just remember today’s about being there for Jane, and not about ‘Gary Barlow’s Shot-off Ear’, or what’s left of it all thanks to your so-called ‘mate’.” She couldn’t help the sour tone to her voice, because frankly she had not come to terms with what transpired over a week ago that led to her husband being shot by accident, and to the fact that if it weren’t for the miracle that he was stood a centimetre or two to the side, that hearse out there would be for her husband, and that driver currently knocking on her neighbour’s door would be knocking on hers. No, she was not ready to forgive and forget yet; not by a long shot.

Gary knew better than to answer back to his wife, but he also had nothing he could say. He wasn’t ready to condemn or defend Robbie’s actions, he was still coming to terms with it all himself and still hadn’t spoken to Robbie since it happened. What would they even talk about? – the drink, the drugs, the kissing, the strange feelings that arose like a growing flame inside his very being – the same feelings that he still gets whenever he thinks back to the desperate groping and thirst they had for each other in that stolen moment….or would they talk about the gun, and the actions, however accidently they were, that have however, now left him with half an ear and a lingering fear of what could have easily been. Gary didn’t think the thought of what could have happened would ever leave him now, and he was pretty sure that fact was already a growing concern for Dawn. He knew she would definitely have already spotted the shadows under his eyes from the lost sleep he was enduring from nights lying still and wide-eyed thinking simultaneously about his mortality; how close he came to being shot in the head…and about Robbie - wondering what Robbie was thinking too, Robbie who nearly killed his friend; the man Robbie claimed to love.  
“Babe – Jane’s leaving, it’s time to go”, Dawn’s sweet voice shock him quickly from his thoughts. He quickly grabbed the house keys out of the glass bowl by the door, smiled sweetly at her as he took her hand and led the way out the door. Thinking about the Robbie-problem would have to wait till later.

 

***************  
Robbie was sat in a chair, squeezing on to the TV remote in his hand. He starred up at the moderately-sized TV screen mounted on the cold white sterile wall. The entire room was sterile and completely different to the other rehab clinics he’d visited in his past but he guessed that may have more to do with the court-order placing him in this one rather than in one of them swanky A-Lister infested relaxation and rehabilitation retreats of LA. 

He clicked through the channels every now and then, without aim, since he wasn’t paying attention to anything just simply watching without seeing. He starred at the changing lights on the screen, the sounds blending into a mere distraction from his thoughts. His thoughts; that’s all he had right now, stuck in this place. His thoughts of what had brought him here, his thoughts of his family and the mess he’d caused them but mostly his thoughts of another man. He wanted him, he needed him desperately, but at the same time it made him physically sick thinking about seeing Gary again, after what happened – how could he ever ask for Gary’s forgiveness, how could he ever forgive himself?

 

***************  
Gary put the phone down carefully. Dawn wasn’t back yet from dropping the kids off at school, and he needed to think about how he was going to break it to her, how was he going to break the news of the promise he’d just made over the phone. It had been nearly three weeks since he’d last spoken to Ayda that fateful night in LA when she has sounded so desperate for him to go help Rob. It was the same desperation in her voice that spoke to Gary’s heart this time too. He felt partially responsible for the pain she was going through, he wasn’t sure why but he just did. 

He was still a little consumed in these thoughts that he nearly missed the sound of the front door closing, and the sound of keys hitting the bowl. He inhaled a deep breath which he released as a sigh, this was not going to be an easy conversation but he knew it was the right thing to do.  
…  
“NO WAY!” Dawn spoke firmly without yelling, “There is no way Gary! You are not going to traipse across the ocean for his sake! He SHOT you for crying out loud!”  
“I know Babe, but –“  
“No, don’t you ‘babe’ me Gary”, she interrupted him, “I know you, I know you want to help him but last time you did that – look what happened!” She persisted, staring pointedly at his recently unbandaged sewn up half-ear. Her voice was higher than normal, probably a result of incredulous hysteria, as she reflected on the absurdness of the request from Robbie’s ex-wife. He subconsciously reached up towards his ear in response to her words, but had no words, so instead simply looked at her with his puppy-dog eyes, which frankly just made her tut with impatience; she couldn’t understand how Robbie had such a hold on her husband. Dawn didn’t want Gary to go, she didn’t want him anywhere near that family but she also knew she was fighting a losing battle because she knew her husband and she knew if he promised something, then his word was his bond. Besides all that, he always did anything he could to help anyone, but especially those he cared deeply for, and that included Robbie, whether she liked it or not. She knew no matter what she said, he was going but she wanted to make it a clear as crystal, she was not happy about it. 

 

**************  
It had been over a month since Robbie had seen Gary although he had constantly been in his thoughts, so much so that his thoughts and reality blended to such an extent he couldn’t separate the two nowadays. So when he awoke from a nap to find Gary causally standing by the open door to his room, half slouched against the wall; he wasn’t sure whether or not he was there or it was him seeing Gary in his dreams again, dressed in pale chinos and a light blue polo shirt - he looked good, and in fact Robbie would’ve been keen to more believe it was a dream were it not for seeing the visible wound to the handsome man’s right ear.

“I did that.” He simply spoke, it wasn’t a question, although from Robbie’s tone it sounded like it. Gary looked at him, coolly but not unfriendly; Gary was neither frowning nor smiling at him, yet Robbie felt his eyes looking right into his soul, the warmth of his body radiating across the three or so metres that currently separated them, causing Robbie to feel sparks prickle on his skin. It was the same effect Gary always had on him, the same effect which was slowly driving him to despair and always had done.

Gary finally broke the silence that had lingered for at least a minute, “I would say don’t worry about it, considering where we are...well, where you are right now, and I’m sure there are other things on your mind but it’s pointless avoiding it Rob, we need to talk about what happened – don’t you think?”  
Rob slightly smirked but nodded his head in compliance before replying, “what? – talk about how I hurt and nearly couldn’t killed one of my best friend’s and the man I love, or about US, and how the man I love kissed me back just as hard as I kissed him – well? …Gaz?”  
Robbie’s small temporary smile was wiped clear off by the hard look Gary proceeded to give him, intense and unreadable it chilled Robbie to his core, as fear begin to drill into his heart at not knowing what Gary was thinking, not knowing why he was here now, no knowing what he had come to say to him. Gary continued to look at him, his lip slowly curling into a crooked smiled as he closed the door beside him and simply replied, “yes”.

To be continued.


	4. Part 4

Robbie can’t help but just stare at him. He know it'll soon make Gary uncomfortable with his staring but he doesn’t care, not right this minute; he could just sit here and stare at him all day. He loved observing all the little “Gary-isms” that made up his Gary - the small pouting motions Gary made with his mouth, barely disguising he was actually chewing on the inside of his lips, and the way he would occasionally rub his gorgeous stubbly chin, AND he especially loved the little circular movements Gary made with his thumbs and the soft feel of them when he would play with Robbie’s earlobes, he loved that the most.   
….Ears. Robbie could barely look at the mess he’d made to Gary’s ear and yet he couldn’t stop his eyes pulling him to see it. He had been so stupid.   
He couldn’t face it any longer, and so finally looked away, burying his face in his own hands. They hadn’t even said a word to each other yet, it’d been three minutes since Gary even closed the door and not a promised word had been said. Robbie got the distinct feeling Gary was waiting for Robbie to say something; and Robbie knew what that ‘something’ should be but he was holding back. He was terrified of apologising because he was doubly terrified that Gary wouldn’t accept it.

But they couldn’t sit here in silence all night, Gary had said they needed to talk and Robbie needed to talk to him – he took a deep breath and taking his face out of his hands, he opened his eyes to look back at Gary. Gary’s expression was soft and his eyes were even smiling, Robbie felt a lump form in his throat, “I…I’m so sorry” he uttered quietly, “you have to believe me, Gaz – I would never ever hurt you on purpose….I was just so stupid…” Robbie whimpered. Gary looked at Robbie as if he was considering on whether Rob was actually being sincere or not, and that thought terrified Rob!   
The smiling eyes had vanished, Gary had replaced them with only a cold hard look as he cleared his throat to finally reply, “I know, Rob. I know you are.” Rob looked at the man before him through teary eyes, using all his strength to hold them back, all his earlier sarcasm was gone.   
Gary smiled sadly, “…but -”   
‘Oh god’, Robbie thought, he could fill the vomit reaching up his throat, he’d already lost Ayda, and was too fragile to be rejected by both the people he loved.   
“But”, Gary repeated, “I need to know you realise what could have happened Rob. I mean, for only the miracle of a few centimetres, I’m here Rob but – “  
“I know Gaz! I know!” Rob implored, “I think about that every day – every minute of every day!” 

“I don’t want you to do that Rob, I don’t want you to dwell on it but just...just promise me you won’t ever do anything as stupid as that again – I don’t care that you were off your head Rob, you took that gun out because you had a gun and you wanted to intimidate me and even scare me in to thinking you’d hurt yourself with it. Why?! I don’t know, and I suspect you don’t even really know why but you had it and you wanted to prove a point”. Here, Gary paused and began to pace for a moment before seemingly deciding something in his head. Rob was stunned into silence both by Gary's words and his own dark thoughts. Gary suddenly stopped pacing and turned back to face Robbie, the hard look in his eyes remaining, “I’m angry with you Rob, so angry…”  
“Gaz, I’m-” Rob began to interrupt.   
“BUT I know you Rob. I know YOU”, Gary continued, his demeanour suddenly altering, his eyes suddenly softening, and his voice quietened but Robbie could hear every syllable, “You love me, I know that. I…just…look, just promise me never do something like that again, don’t try to hurt yourself or anyone else because like you saw, and like you see (he said pointing at his own damaged ear), accidents happen Bob...and you can't take them back”.  
A tear ran down Robbie’s cheek, he dropped his head, raking a trembling hand through his hair, he felt disgusted with himself, everything Gary said was correct and he felt sick with what had happened and worse - what could've happened. But then suddenly in amongst these dark thoughts, he noticed another shadow bearing over him and then a loving, warm, soft hand caressing his cheek. It wiped away the fallen tear, as Robbie looked up into the eyes of the man he loved above all others.  
“No matter, what has happened Rob, and everything else - you are my brother, and I love you…and I forgive you”. Gary’s voice was pure honey; warming, smooth and a perfectly sweet relief to Robbie’s ears.  
Robbie could no longer hold back the tears that were of fear, but now of relief, he stood up reaching over the man to engulf him in his arms. Grabbing him tightly, the hug between them was immediate and intense. He held every part of him to every part of Gary like he was holding on for dear life, and he didn’t want to ever let go. Gary hugged him back and the embrace stayed strong and fierce for much longer than a hug really should. 

Rob wanted to talk about the kiss, but he knew if he did, then the embrace would end, so instead he just closed his eyes and stayed in that moment for as long as he could before Gary inevitably began to gently pull away. As Rob let go, the warmth thankfully stayed with him and he finally felt relaxed and more content. They eventually both sat back down and began to just simply chat, mostly about general things but also some talk about making music again. Gary thought it was a good idea to get the lads over soon and start writing again – it didn’t need to be for an album as such, they could just see where it took them, no pressure, no stress, just music.

Robbie was nervous about seeing all the lads again but he was so thankful for opportunity, and for the massive smile on Gary's face brought about by just the mere thought of them all writing music together again. He immediately agreed and they spent the rest of the evening laying down some plans. In no time at all, they’d agreed the boys would follow on and meet them both here in LA in a week’s time. In the meantime, Gary was staying at a pal’s house near Hollywood, it was getting late and he had to go but promised he’d be back tomorrow. Robbie didn’t want him to leave but held back his protests and simply asked him to come early and eat dinner with him the next day, he couldn’t promise the food would be nice (it was rehab, after all) but he could do with the company. Gary readily agreed. 

 

It was a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, short chapter - but things will go up a notch, in the next one I'm already writing ;-)


	5. Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s been so long. I've posted two chapters (5 &6) to compensate. See A/N at the end of next chapter for what's coming up in this story.

At exactly 4pm the next day, Gary was back at Robbie’s room in rehab. The TV was humming in the background, the late afternoon sunshine flowing through the open window, directly on to Robbie’s slouching form dozing across the bed. With his eyes shut to the world he was lost somewhere between being asleep and awake, his dreams lightly taking him away from reality: On his bed, but he’s not alone. A thin, muscular arm suddenly stretches across his chest, reaching round to clamp slender long fingers on his side. Robbie looks down to find the welcome sight of a sleeping form, beautiful and peaceful. Robbie bends down to immerse his face in their hair; he inhales deeply, and smiles. 

“Rob” A distant voice calls to him. He looks down at the sleeping form, they lay undisturbed and yet that voice…   
“Rob?”  
“Rob, mate”

Rob is finally awoken out of his reverie, but it’s not unwelcome - as he opens his eyes and comes face to face with his dream. Gary’s sun-soaked face is staring down at him, smiling; and Robbie can’t think of anything else worth doing than just idly lying there staring up into Gary’s eyes.   
“ahh finally – he’s alive!” Gary beams down at him. Robbie stretches out his arms tiredly, yawning with a smile.  
“You came!” Robbie announced elatedly.  
“Well, of course I came - I said I would; and all I can say Rob is dinner better be proper grub because I’m starving mate!” Gary winked. Robbie’s stomach always did a mini backflip somewhere deep inside whenever Gary winked like that.  
“I mean, I’m glad you came early” Robbie softly said. He was honestly quite worried Gary might’ve had second thoughts during the night and thought it best to leave it. But no, he was here and even though the dinner ended up being a rather rubbery Cheese Macaroni, they enjoyed just being comfortable in each other’s company. During eating and after too, they steered away from discussing Robbie’s ongoing problems once more, and instead chatted about songwriting with the band again, about music in general, and of course Gary’s upcoming cosmetic surgery to fix his ear, and even the latest Netflix boxset that everyone was talking about. But no matter how many times Robbie tried to bring the conversation around to talking about ‘them’, Gary would find a new way to avoid it, deflecting on to something else as quickly and subtly as possible.  
Robbie was growing frustrated with tiptoeing around the issue, he wanted to talk about it, get it out in the open and find out where he stood, where they both stood – once and for all…but Gary seemed so happy, Robbie didn’t want to spoil it. Eventually it was time for Gary to leave, and Robbie felt the familiar pangs of loss, until Gary said he’d be back the same time tomorrow.

 

And he was. Gary was back, as promised. The older blond was worried Robbie would soon come to realise he was purposely trying to keep their conversations light, and it was true, Gary was; he knew it couldn’t last forever but the longer he could distract Robbie from talking about ‘them’ the easier it was to be around him. Gary just wanted to spend time with Robbie, he wanted to make sure Robbie was ok, he wanted to help him get better; he just didn’t know how to. He didn’t want to upset Robbie, and he had the distinct feeling that if he let it, the conversation would lead down a path that would upset Robbie, and that would upset him.   
Gary really wasn’t sure if he was even doing the right thing coming to the clinic everyday but he couldn’t disappoint Robbie and seeing the smile on Robbie’s face every time he arrived, made his heart swell. He loved seeing that special little sparkle in Robbie’s eyes, along with that adorable goofy grin, it was like having the old Robbie back again. He had spoken to the staff at the rehab clinic about Robbie’s progress (after they’d quizzed him about the frequency of his visits to Robbie), and whether his visits were conducive to Robbie’s recovery, and although management were obviously not impressed by Gary’s frequent visits every day, the staff couldn’t argue against the beneficial difference to Robbie, Gary’s presence bought; Robbie had evidently been so much more ‘chipper’ since Gary had been visiting these last few days. It made Gary happy to know that but also concerned, since he was starting to see just how much Robbie seemed to need him there, so what would happen when he went to the UK? Those concerns stayed with Gary even after he was admitted into Robbie’s now familiar room at the rehab clinic. The evening was a lot cooler tonight and for some reason that affected their conversation, their minds consumed by different worries, or perhaps the same worry – ‘what next’.   
Robbie for his part also somewhat enjoyed uncomfortable silences though, especially when they involved Gary Barlow. Robbie loved to just sit and watch him inwardly squirm as the air became thick with the obvious sexual tension pulling between them. He’d exacerbate it further (for his own enjoyment) by staring at Gary in silence, and watch what his companion would do. He could almost see Gary’s mind go from confusion to panic, before it switched to its automatic default of distractively talking about something equally mundanely nerdish and completely cute, like Star Wars memorabilia, or god forbid, Pedals. But even though it amused him for a while, Robbie was growing restless, he loved having Gary there but after spending the whole day waiting for him to arrive, he needed more satisfaction from the shortness of Gary’s allotted visits; his thoughts always returned to that night alone with Gary in his basement studio, both to the way he stupidly acted and endangered himself, his wife, and of course Gary, but also to THAT kiss. He craved it, he craved any contact. He wanted so much from him but he didn’t want to scare Gary off, and he knew if he pushed too hard he could do that, maybe forever.   
“Gaz, you wanna stay and watch something on the telly?” Robbie casually asked.  
“Sounds good mate, owt on?  
Robbie smiled and gently patted the space the bed beside him, “there’s a reality show I really want you to watch”, he sweetly offered. There was a distinct twinkle in his eye sparkling with (unless Gary was very much mistaken) mischief.

Gary surveyed the space on the bed beside his friend. He couldn’t shake off the idea that Robbie had an agenda but maybe he was over thinking it, and what was the harm. “It better not one of those bleedin’ Housewives of some god-forsaken place, shows! I’ll never understand how you can watch those all the time!” he jokingly rebuked. Rob smiled and shrugged his shoulders, “Maybe it is, but you know you love them!” he winked.  
Gary shook his head and barked a sarcastic laugh but smiled and took up the space beside Rob anyway. Rob slouched down against the pillows, flicking the channels on the remote; Gary sat up rigid with his back straight up against the board, and his arms folded. Robbie could’ve made fun of Gary for being so obviously uncomfortable sharing Rob’s bed but he didn’t want to spoil it and cause the blond any reason to get up, so instead he stayed there and enjoyed the closeness (and especially the rare collisions that caused their warm bodies to lightly touch for mere seconds). Every ‘accidental’ touch, every time their bodies skimmed against the other, made every single one of Robbie’s nerves tingle. Gary’s uncomfortable body language remained the entire evening, he didn’t move an inch, just sat with his arms folded. Yet his body still radiated a deep welcoming warmth that drew Robbie like a moth to a flame, he wanted to touch him more, to snuggle right into Gary but he didn’t, and so instead compensated himself by snuggling into the warm patch Gary simply left on the bed behind him, after he had left for the night.

 

The next day, Robbie waited for Gary’s familiar arrival, trying with difficulty to keep the questionable meatloaf dinner warm. Gary was late. Robbie was feeling a mix of emotions including hurt and disappointment but mostly confusion, Gary was never late; his mind turned to worry, his tried Gary’s phone but it went straight to voicemail. 

He was now 40 minutes late, the dinner was left cold and uneaten, Robbie was just angry now. Gary must know he’d worry, Robbie thought to himself, it was just selfish to not contact him and explain why he wasn’t coming, since, Robbie decided, it was obvious he wasn’t. Then suddenly there was a quiet knock on his door, Robbie may’ve even missed if he hadn’t been sat, scrunched up against the bottom of the door. He stood up and opened it a little and through the open slit he found a frantic and flustered Gary Barlow. Robbie was getting ready to spew his anger at the older man right there and then but Gary suddenly pushed his way through the door into the room, knocking a surprised Robbie out of the way, before closing the door quietly behind him. 

“SO YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO SHOW UP THEN!” Robbie yelled, but his anger quickly turned to shock when Gary suddenly came close to him, his eyes wild, and put his hand roughly over Robbie’s mouth. He wasn’t prepared for that, for Gary’s every touch set Robbie’s senses alight, his face was on fire - which was quite incredible considering how cool Gary’s hand actually felt. His anger quickly melted away to be replaced with bewilderment. Gary sensing this, slowly pulled his hand away before drawing a vertical finger over his own mouth, requesting silence from Robbie.   
Robbie, intrigued, nodded his compliance. Gary sighed, “Sorry Rob, I didn’t mean to startle you mate”, he spoke quietly, “but they don’t know I’m here – I had to creep in! Been standing outside in the bushes for the last 30 minutes waiting for a moment to slip in!”  
Robbie was more confused than ever “why?” he asked.  
“Management caught up with me when I went to sign in, they’re still not happy about me visiting you so much, we discussed it and I had to agree not to come see you for the next couple of days”.  
Robbie’s jaw dropped at hearing this, “NO! You can’t Gaz, I need you here!” he protested.  
Gary’s eyes flashed concern and then he raised a finger to his mouth again, “Shhhh Rob, they’ll hear you. Obviously I actually disagreed, or I wouldn’t have just been knelt down hunched over in dirt under a bush for ‘half hour! My back is killing me by the way, thanks for asking.” He moaned, yet visibly couldn’t keep a small crooked smile hidden for long – he’d obviously enjoyed being a bit of a rebel for once. Robbie was quickly becoming overcome with emotion, to think Gary Barlow had been hiding in a bush outside the clinic for him, how he wished he could’ve seen that! He smiled, “sorry, do you want to lie down?” Robbie asked. Gary furrowed his eye brows at the suggestion, “not sure I’ll be able to get back up if I do –” he began.  
“I really think you should” Robbie retorted with a slight grin. Gary simply nodded and walked over to the bed, groaning as he slowly lowered his aching body on to the bed. “Thanks mate, maybe I just need to stretch it out for a bit”.   
“No problem”, Robbie said with a smile, as he sat on the bed at Gary’s feet, “So I guess that’s why your phone was off then” it was a rhetorical question. “Yeah”, Gary replied with a slight groan as he stretched and arched his back, “I had to turn it off”.   
They sat in silence for a minute or so before Gary looked over at the cold dinner, “Sorry about dinner Rob, you should’ve just eaten without me, mate” his eyes full of apology. Robbie shook away his apology, “don’t worry about it Gaz, I’m not even hungry anyway – just glad you made it.” It was obvious to Gary, Robbie was really glad, he was beaming ear to ear, but Gary was concerned and confused; concerned because it was again, obvious Robbie needed him there and he still wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not, and confused because he still didn’t know what to make of his own erratic actions that evening; and as he watched Robbie smiling daftly at him, he considered the reasons behind his actions; he wanted to help Robbie, that’s all – or so he told himself.

They soon settled down, Gary sat up again as Rob slouched down beside him on the bed much like the day before, they ate cold meat loaf and watched another trashy American reality show. At the commercial break, Robbie turned to look up at Gary, his face resting on his hands, a question had been spinning around in his head for some time, “Why do you come every night, Gaz?” he gently asked. Gary’s looked down at Robbie, his eyebrows furrowed, obviously a little taken back by the question, “I thought you wanted me to?!” Gary asked worriedly.  
Robbie’s eyes widen in immediate alarm, “No, no! Of course I do, more than anything! …it’s just, I mean, that doesn’t mean you have to, I was just wondering why you’re doing what I want” Robbie inquires carefully.  
Gary ponders the question a short moment before answering “well - I just thought it’d make you happy, I just want you to be happy Rob, I want to help you”.  
The tattooed brunette wasn’t sure if that answer satisfied him, or even knew what answer would but he didn’t press the matter further and instead turned back to the TV, only this time he tilted his head more towards Gary so that the top of his side lightly touched Gary’s side.   
“Tell me, if you need space though, Rob” Gary gently says.  
“I won’t – I want you here Gaz, I want you to come as much as you can” is Robbie’s defiant reply. His words cause Gary to worry but then the tv show comes back on and they stop talking once again.

The trash TV continued as the hours passed with Robbie eventually drifting off; his eyes shut to the world, and turns more on to his side and consequently leans further up against Gary. He thinks about moving away but it’s so cosy and comforting that he snuggles further into Gary’s side, his head practically on Gary’s chest. But Gary soon moves his arm and Robbie’s sure he’s gone too far, so he’s pleasantly surprised when he feels Gary’s arm suddenly but carefully drape across his shoulder, shortly followed by a warm hand which softly caresses Robbie’s cheek; gently stroking the younger man’s face. It feels incredible, and the sensation causes him to involuntarily softly murmur in his pretend sleep, and snuggle in deeper. In no time at all he fell into actual sleep; nestled into Gary’s side, with his arm wrapped around him, they stay that way, and for a lot longer than they both intended, as Gary falls asleep soon after.

 

Just after 4am Gary awoke and it takes a moment to realise where he is, when he does he begins to panic, he can’t now leave without security seeing him; he gently shakes Rob awake, who barely stirs out of his slumber at first and when Gary finally awakes him, Rob isn’t that helpful or sympathetic to Gary’s plight, “Just stay Gaz, make your escape in the morning before I go down for my session ey?”, he sleepily suggests before a yawn escapes, “Please Gaz, just stay here with me” and with that Robbie falls back asleep.   
Gary knows he shouldn’t, he didn’t want to lead Robbie on any further by sleeping in the same bed with him, but then again, he recalled they were still in their clothes, and had effectively been together on the bed all evening anyway.   
Gary was still unsure but couldn’t think of a good enough reason to otherwise risk being seen by the clinic’s night security which would raise even more questions from Management and potentially the Press; and so he turned the tv and light off, and instead lowered himself down the bed, pulling a loose blanket over both of them.   
When Gary finally closed his eyes and quickly succumbed to sleep, Robbie turned back over and his eyes slowly opened, he surveyed the man beside him for a little while, and only when he was sure Gary was sound asleep, he leaned over and gently kissed him Goodnight, on the forehead, before snuggling back down and falling asleep again.


	6. Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder. Disclaimer: The following is fiction. I don't own any rights, and it is not actually based on any person(s) actual life and is intended to be merely fictitious. No offence is intended by the use of names, and any resemblance is purely accidental.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second of two chapter updates today (chapters 5 & 6).

Robbie blissfully awoke the next morning to find the sleeping form of Gary Barlow, still beside him on his bed. He wanted to wrap his arms around Gary and cuddle the hell out of him but he knew that would wake him, and an ‘awoken Gary’ would be a soon ‘making-excuses-to-avoid-further-awkward-conversation Gary’, Robbie smiled to himself. He kept as still as he could, lying there soundly, listening to the small soft regular snores of his bed companion. He watched the soft motions of his chest, moving up and down slowly pulling the air in and pushing it out, he looked so peaceful there, and the scene was causing Robbie’s imagination to wonder.  
Not long after Gary eventually stirred awake, he made his excuses to go before Security spotted him, he additionally didn’t return to see Robbie that evening; Robbie expected that but still, he was disappointed; he’d began to depend on Gary’s visits to break up the monotony of the evenings spent in rehab. 

It was still four days before the other Take That lads were due to join Robbie and Gary in LA, and this brought excitement for Robbie, but also trepidation; after all he hadn’t seen any of them since before he started up his drinking again, let alone since he’d accidently shot Gary. But more than that he was becoming very aware of how little time he had left of having Gary to himself. He knew as soon as the other lads were here they’d be no chance of getting Gary alone again, and even less chance of having a decent conversation about them. Robbie was tired of skirting about the issue; not that he hadn’t loved the time they had spent together but he needed more from Gary, for once, he needed honesty.  
When Gary arrived the next day, Robbie knew it was make or break time, and so as soon as Gary was comfortable, he brought it up once again, “Gaz, I need to talk to you” he started, trying to keep the tone calm and light, “I think you know what I’m gonna ask you – I know we’ve been putting it off because deep down we’re both scared but we can’t keep doing that” Robbie spoke levelled and controlled.  
Gary looked at him more than slightly confused, “I do?” He asked with a quizzical brow.  
Robbie furrowed his own eyebrows at that almost absurdly uninterested response, it was not what he’d expected but then maybe it was just another of Gary Barlow’s great deflecting strategies. He sighed, knowing he’d have to bait Gary into talking, “Gaz, I’m in rehab, I’m working my butt off, I’m really trying here but there’s no point me going any further unless I face ALL my issues!” he finished exasperatedly.  
Gary surveyed him, with obvious confusion, “But you are facing your problems Bob, and I’m so happy and proud of you for doing so well, you’ve come so far already, and I’ll always be here to help, you know I will but I don’t get what you’re going on about, mate. Sorry.” Gary said casually, yet as Robbie looked at him (already feeling his own frustration building to unmanageable proportions), Robbie could swear he saw a glint of something pass Gary’s eyes, ‘was it panic?!’ he thought to himself.  
Maybe sensing Robbie’s penetrative stare into his soul, Gary changed tactic.  
“Look Rob, it’s best to just concentrate on your actual problems right now – the drink, the drugs, that’s enough to be getting on with right now.” he reasoned. That was the last straw for the younger male, it was obvious to him that Gary blatantly knew exactly what he was asking but was choosing to avoid it as usual. ‘Well, no more’, Robbie resolved with himself.  
“They’re not!” He interjected, “I mean, they’re not the only problem, Gaz! …You, Gary! You and me – we still have the same problem and you know exactly what I’m talking about so don’t pretend! I’m too tired. Besides, it’s not going to change and it’s not going to disappear if you try and ignore it, the tension is still there, always there. Gaz, it’s the same giant elephant in the room and it always will be – until we talk about it, and I mean REALLY talk about it like you said we would – or was that just a lie?”  
“Rob –” Gary huffed tiredly.  
“No, Gary, don’t do this to me again. For once, please just be honest with me” Robbie’s previous intent to keep it light was already long gone. He was sick of avoiding his heart, to simply spare Gary the awkwardness. As Robbie hunched over on the chair, he raked a hand through his unkempt hair, before he chanced a glance across at Gary, and he was a shocked to see the look on his companion’s face. Gary’s steely eyes were staring across at him but there was a strange look in them, it was not what Robbie was expecting but he knew that look well, it was the look Gary got when he was fighting with his feelings, like two souls in one being, forever entangled in the same eternal struggle.  
“Please say something, Gaz, please! I can’t take this any longer and it’s not doing me any good” call it emotional blackmail, but Robbie was determined. But Gary just sat there is silence, staring at him. His lips pursing every now and then before slightly parting as if to speak, just before his teeth would clamp down on his bottom lip, sealing them shut again. Robbie smiled gently at him, pleading only with his eyes, willing him to talk.

Gary watched Robbie’s pleading look, he knew what Robbie wanted, yet he himself was still confused where all this had suddenly come from, after all they’d been enjoying time alone together this week, he had been enjoying spending time alone with Robbie, it had been relaxing and fun, and they’d been able to be close without not having to commit to anything more. But it was at THAT sudden realisation that Gary knew he’d been enjoying himself but it’d probably been torture for Robbie. He thought he was helping Robbie or trying to, by being here for him but in actual fact he’d unintentionally being torturing his mate by being close to him without having to get too close, emotionally. The more he thought about it, the more he realised he owed Robbie more honesty. Theirs was a complicated and fragile relationship most of the time, all because of those other times (more like moments) when it was intense and all-consuming.

Gary sighed and his eyes softened, he closed his eyes and took a deep steadying breath, nervously but resolutely.  
“It’s not easy for me Rob” he began, “– that’s the honest truth”.  
“So you admit there is something we need to talk about?” Robbie interrupted but immediately regretted his rashness as he consequently watched Gary retreat into himself again, sighing deeply, rubbing his face in his hands, as if struggling with finding the words.  
“I’m sorry Gaz, please go on…you were saying?” Robbie gently encouraged, but Gary said nothing. Robbie could tell Gary wanted to be honest but was struggling, so he thought that maybe it was time for his own truth first, “Look Gaz - you think this is easy for me, this life?!”, he spoke open and honestly, “It’s been a waking nightmare at times; I’ve lost my family, alienated friends, I injured and could’ve killed you, I have literally been on edge for the last few months, even now. And honestly, the only thing anchoring me is YOU. But I can’t take this ‘skirting around the issue’ dance we do every time…not anymore. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells around you because I don’t want to upset the status quo and scare you off Gaz, but at some point enough’s gotta be enough, Gaz please – please talk to me.” His earnest eyes bore into Garys, imploring him to speak -  
…and finally he did.  
“Rob. Ok…Rob, I’m sorry but it’s not easy for me, you know why” he spoke calmly, like he’d finally collected his thoughts and prepared an answer, which wasn’t very assuring for Robbie.  
“Gaz –” Robbie attempted to interrupt again…  
“No, Rob! You want my truth, then just hear me out. I can’t lie that I see you as just a friend, we both know that’s not true. I did kiss you back”, Gary spoke matter-of-factly, carefully watching Robbie’s eyes widen while the brunette’s mouth curled into a smile.  
“I…I couldn’t help it”, Gary continued, “I was caught up in the moment…”  
Robbie rolled his eyes and huffed, predicting what was coming next. But Gary took a deep breath before going on to say,“…but that’s not to say it wasn’t wanted because I did want it, …I liked it and I…I didn’t want it to stop”.  
Had he stopped breathing?! Robbie was 99% sure he’s stopped breathing, and even questioned his own sanity on whether those words actually left Gary Barlow’s lips, or if he just imagined it! He felt his mouth gormlessly open and closing before - “Then why the FUCK did you stop it?!” Robbie blurted out, unable to contain himself.  
Gary looked at him sadly, “Why do you think, Rob?!”  
“ok - I know, I get it, but Gaz –”  
“No, I can’t Rob, I’m sorry but I just can’t. I made a commitment. If I wasn’t married, it might be a completely different story, and that’s the God’s honest truth, but –”.  
“Please Gaz, no ‘buts’, please – just once, just once.” Robbie pleaded but Gary shook his head.  
“I’m not a cheater Rob, I won’t cheat on my wife. It’s just not meant to be, another place, another time – but not in this time. We just need to control ourselves, please accept that” Gary finished with genuine sadness in his eyes before averting his gaze away from Robbie’s own hard stare through narrowed eyes.  
“Well, obviously I can’t Gaz!” Rob argued, “besides ‘another place, another time’?! Eh…what about all that back in the day then huh? What about Nigel?!” he persisted with growing desperation.  
Gary turned back to Robbie, slightly lost, “What about Nigel?”  
“When are we finally going to talk about what happened?…you know what I’m talking about!” he h  
Gary crumpled his forehead, his eyebrows firmly furrowed, his face suddenly growing stern, “We HAVE talked about it Rob, in LA, the big talk, we talked about it all – there’s no point bringing that up again”. His tone was quiet but firm, like he was telling off a small child.  
Robbie could feel a chill ripple through his core from the tone and cold look in Gary’s eyes yet the words caused his jar to drop in disbelief, just thinking how his companion certainly had a selective memory, “Are you kiddin’ me?! No we didn’t! – in no way did we properly talk it through!”  
Gary rolled his eyes in a ‘fed-up’ fashion, which stung Robbie in the heart, “We did Rob – we did enough, anything else would be counter-productive and pointless. We agreed; it’s in the past, we talked about it, so we don’t need to talk about it again. That was the deal Rob!”  
Rob could feel angry heat suddenly filling his cheeks, “I just wanted to get you back, I was walking on the same egg shells even back then! I just wanted you to stay with me, if I’d kept prodding the point you’d have run a mile – just like you bloody do now!”  
Gary sighed and put his face in his hands, trying to rub away either tiredness or frustration, Robbie wasn’t sure. Gary was tired, tired of having this same argument all the time, “Well, what’s the point bringing it up again?!” he retorted.  
“We need to talk about it Gaz”.  
“No, we don’t” Gary replied his stern stare fixed on the taller man before him.  
“We do! Properly!…I need to talk about it, please Gaz”.  
Gary’s face softened at that, and turned into one of regret and pity, “Rob – there is no point. It won’t change anything, it won’t help. It’s in the past-”  
“I BLOODY KNOW THAT GAZ! But I can’t let it go…not yet…not without knowing for sure!”  
“Knowing what Rob?” Gary replied a little timidly, as if suddenly fearful of what he was doing to be asked.  
“…Whether it would’ve made a difference. Nigel, he knew, he sorted it but if Nigel hadn’t been a factor. Would it have been different? The outcome, I mean.” Robbie questioned frankly, with now, glistening eyes.  
Gary sighed once more, long and slow, bringing his hand up to support his forehead, his thumb and forefinger gentle rubbing his temple. “I don’t know what to say Rob, except - we’ll never know”, he eventually softly replied.  
Rob pouted unsatisfied, “…but if he hadn’t have been there at that moment, and changed everything between us, are you telling me you’ve never thought about it, never figured if there could’ve ever been a chance for…for you and I?”  
Gary looked Robbie deep in the eyes, they were soft and sad. He gently shook his head, “I can’t say for sure, but I can’t say I regret that he did because I can’t imagine my life without my family now, and I know you feel the same. I don’t regret anything, not our history and not what could’ve been, because it’s brought us to here, and I’m happy where we are now - even with everything that’s happened”, he said gently in an attempt to level the situation. But Robbie shook his head.  
“You may be, but I’m not – I’m never going to be just satisfied with this Gary, not ever – you must realise that?!”  
“Rob –”  
“No, don’t try to palm me off again Gary – I’ve already lost my family…”  
“So what Rob, you expect me to sacrifice mine just so you can get what you want?!” Gary said through seething teeth, his tiredness showing in annoyance.  
“No, of course not – I’d never want you to lose that Gary. I care too much about you to be that selfish, you have to believe me but I can’t handle THIS!!” he shouts, wilding waving his arms around the room and gesturing to them….”I’m just not strong enough. I can’t handle the unfinished sentences, never mind the blank pages”, he continued with a quiet unspoken sadness in his voice.

Gary surveyed the man before him, his temper dissipated immediately as he walked closer to Rob, grabbing both the younger man’s hands and holding them in his own, caressing them gently with his thumbs before bringing them to his mouth and placing a soft kiss to the tattoo letters across the knuckles. Robbie stared at the action, transfixed; his mind lost in every sensation that every touch gave him. More heat had risen to his face, he felt a familiar swirling feeling in his stomach, each touch amplified a hundred times…until he was brought back to reality by Gary’s next words. “Bob, remember your own words – ‘Look back, don’t stare’! There’s no point going over the lost years, and EAR’s now” He ended with a smile and a wink motioning to his damaged ear, hoping his geeky joke would lighten the tense atmosphere.  
Rob’s lips twigged slightly at the corner in amusement but that was only for Gary’s sake, and at the situation in general, as he could see they were going around in cycles ONCE again, he thought.  
“It doesn’t do any good to think about what might’ve been, it won’t change it. How many times do I need to tell you that?!” Gary continued to ask rhetorically, “Probably, about the same number of times I have to tell you not to read the comments on you tube, I expect eh?!” he said with that familiar sparkling Barlow-glint in his eye. Rob couldn’t help but smile and nod at that, before Gary continued, “Part of you wants me, and well, part of me wants you too, but that’s how it’ll just have to stay. I can’t go any further, because I can’t cheat. But I do want to help you Rob, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, I’ll do anything to help you get better, but if me being here is causing you problems then –”  
“NO!” Robbie interrupted alarmed where this was going, just before his brain caught up, “…Wait –”, his eye brow twitched as he took a step back, his hands withdrawing from Gary’s, as he surveyed him like it was the first time he truly saw him. Robbie stood there pondering at the man before him, and Gary for his part – stared back, growing more confused by the second, until Robbie finally spoke, albeit so quietly he could be mistaken for having imagined it.  
“You do just want to help me, don’t you?” Robbie asked.  
Gary furrowed his eyebrows once more, but this time in confusion, “Of course, that’s what I’ve said all along – how can you possibly doubt that, after everything!”  
But Robbie just continued to survey the man before him carefully, and his lips slowly began to curl up at the corner into that familiar smirk, “you mistake me Gary,” his voice was slow and thoughtful, “I don’t doubt it for a second. I know you love me and I know you want to help me. You’ve already proved that” he remarked strangely calmly, “…so I’m just wondering…exactly how far you’ll go to help me?” he finished, smiling at the older man. 

Gary was left standing there, somewhat dumbfounded. Not by Robbie’s words so much (they were typically Robbie-esque, afterall) but by his facial expression. He couldn’t read it and yet maybe he could and he was just afraid to know what was going on in Robbie’s head; because in his heart, no matter how many times he tried to fight it, Gary was actually not quite sure how long he could continue to say ‘no’ for. He knew he always retreated from these sorts of discussions because he knew where it would inevitably lead, and if Robbie started with the seduction, Gary knew he would ultimately fall for it, like he always did.  
He knew, Robbie knew it too. After all Robbie knew Gary inside out, he knew he always had a small window to catch Gary off his guard before his mind switched on and prized them apart once again. Regardless of Nigel’s interventions all those years ago, this was the same cycle of events they’d played out over and over through the years, since then. Once Robbie got desperate, horny and daring (a lethal combination), he’d start with the seduction whenever he got Gary on his own, just like that fateful time in Robbie’s basement studio. Gary would eventually give in, succumb to Robbie’s advances and summit to him, and it’d be like all of Robbie’s birthdays and Christmases had come at once!…for all of the 20 seconds, 30 seconds tops that it lasted. The end result: Gary was left feeling guilty, and Rob always unsatisfied. But it did always happen that way, no matter what Gary said, they always arrived at that moment one way or another.

‘And this time was no different, yet it would be different at the same time’, Robbie assured himself. Gary had after all, come all the way to LA for the second time, even after Robbie had shot his ear off. He’d been here for nearly a week, coming back again and again even though the clinic’s management were even getting tetchy with him visiting so much. And there was a reason for all of it, Robbie contemplated as he continued to look his companion, and smiling dangerously. It made sense. Robbie had always held to the truth Gary was trying too hard to convince himself anyway, especially with all this regurgitated ‘in the past’ talk, but if Robbie continued to push Gary, he also knew Gary would just push back with it even harder, so this time he wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t push anymore. But he wasn’t going to wait for Gary to come to him neither as he knew that wouldn’t work either. 

Robbie continued to stare at a baffled Gary Barlow; that was the thing about addicts – they may be slaves to their vice but they’re smarter than Stephen Hawking when it comes to devising ways to secretly get their hands on the very thing they crave, the only thing that will satisfy them. And Robbie already knew that, but now he also knew how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> Not sure if there’s any interest for this story anymore, I’m sorry it’s taken so long, I had written these chapters but not uploaded them, but the next will be up a lot quicker as its already half-written. They’ll be about 3 or 4 more chapters in total, 5 with a prologue I expect, and in the next chapter things really begin to heat up between the lads as lines begin to become blurred as they try to have what they both want, with one person’s attempt to get what they need, while the other just wants to ‘help’ with that!


	7. Part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbie's plan to ensnare Gary into his world takes shape, but soon finds only honesty is the way forward.

Rob was already forming a plan of action in his head, and had four days, just four days in which to seduce Gary Barlow. That said, he couldn’t see himself getting off with Gary anytime soon, not with how the conversation was currently going, and for his part, Robbie wasn’t exactly helping things...  
“You know, I think this is less about you being able to trust me, and more about you not being able to trust yourself, if I’m honest Gaz” Robbie mocked with a smirk, trying to get a rise out of Gary; and from the look of Gary’s face, he knew he was succeeding.   
“At the end of the day”, Robbie continued unabashed, “I may do the chasing but that’s only because you don’t know what to do, or what it is you even want, and so you predictably, keep running away from it! And you know what? That’s fine Gary, I understand that but what I don’t understand is you pretending that is all down to only me – face it, you LIKE the chase. You like me chasing you, you like me trying to it on with you, or why else would you keep coming back? And you know what? It turns me on, more fool me!….well, it did.” Rob finished flatly, ignoring Gary’s furrowed questioning eyebrows.   
Robbie suddenly looked down at the floor, “I just can’t take YOUR changeable mind anymore Gaz; kissing me one minute and then fighting me off the next” he remarked, risking a quick glance at Gary. Gary had stayed resolutely quiet throughout, his face was flustered, with his mouth slightly ajar, he looked intently at Robbie, carefully surveying him. Robbie liked the effect his words were having, he knew he was getting to him, which was of course, part of Robbie’s plan, and so he continued unperturbed, “yeah, you may act like you can’t trust me not to try it with you, but really I think you just can’t trust yourself around me!”

Gary had made his excuses and left shortly after that conversation. Robbie admitted it was a risky strategy but he needed to shock Gary a bit, unsettle him, keep him thinking about the two of them, which of course, had the obvious consequence of Robbie over-thinking and working himself into such a state that he couldn’t sleep that entire night neither. He eventually pulled out a notepad from his bedside drawer and began to write some notes, before ripping it out and screwing it up into a ball. He stared pensively out the window into the darkness of the night a short while, before taking the pen to the notepad again, and began scribbling furiously. Sometimes crossing huge parts out, and repeating other parts he’s written earlier - it was all nothing and yet everything at the same time.  
*****************************

 

Robbie was pleasantly surprised when Gary turned up the same time as usual, he had begun to worry he’d indeed pushed him a bit far but he also knew Gary was the strongest and most resilient man he knew, and would never ever let anyone down if he could help it. But it was safe to say, the evening started out with few words spoken, in amongst a sea of awkward silence; but luckily there was always food and TV to pass the time. They watched a comedy channel on the bed as usual and spent the remainder of the evening that way until Gary quite unexpectedly turned to Robbie and gingerly said, “I’m sorry for the other night, can we just forget about it?”  
Robbie was confused, what did he have to be sorry about? Robbie sat up on the bed to meet Gary’s eyes, “Why are you sorry? I was the one who was kinda out of line Gaz, I’m the one who should apologise Gaz –”  
“No, Rob, what you said, it wasn’t all untrue, I am unfair to you, I mean I wanted to help you and yet I feel like I’ve made things worse for you” Gary spoke earnestly. But Robbie dismissed it as unnecessary, “Gaz, please, that’s just not true, you being here for me, with me, it’s selfless, and is more than I could’ve ever asked for, you’re a true gent Mr B” he coyly said, smiling at Gary. Gary shook his head and smiled jokily, “Stop it-”, he playfully chided, otherwise my head won’t fit the door frame and I’ll be stuck here!”  
Robbie cocked his eyebrows at that, “don’t give me ideas Mr Barlow”, he added with a wink, and received a lovely grin from Gary, “…besides this room won’t possibly fit both our inflated heads then!” Robbie added. They laughed, and started thinking back on comments they’d read over the years about the size of their respective egos, and laughed even more.   
As the self-deprecating reminiscent tales continued, so did the laughs. At one point Gary said he couldn’t laugh anymore, his jaw and belly were hurting so much, when Robbie got an evil glint in his eyes, but Gary could read his mind, “Don’t you dare Robert Peter Williams!” But Robbie was already going for it, he started pinching and tickling Gary around the midriff, and Gary erupted in hysterical laughter, and begged Robbie to stop. Gary dived off the bed just to get away, collapsing on to the floor where Robbie followed and landed beside him, laughing too. Gary was now in pain, he couldn’t take anymore and pleaded with Robbie to stop, although the plea was lost in amongst the uncontrollable laughing. Finally Robbie conceded and set him free. They both rolled around on the floor still trapped in their laughter, gently knocking into one another and grabbing flaying limbs for support. Robbie rolled on to his side, his laughter calming and his eyes lock with Gary’s. Their faces stayed there, within inches of each other, when their laughter softly stopped and they looked at each other intently, waiting for someone to make the first move. Robbie was the first to lean his mouth a little towards Gary, and Gary replied by leaning a little towards him in turn, then Robbie looked on as Gary slightly parted his lips and closed his eyes…

Robbie stared at the man before him, the man who was inviting him in, and Robbie really, really wanted to go along with it; with his hunger fully ignited, he wanted to lurch forward and ensnare Gary’s lips in a deep passionate kiss. But he couldn’t, that wasn’t the plan. So instead he cheekily leaned close enough to Gary so that the other man would feel his warm breath on his moist lips, only to then completely back off. He fully sat up, leaving Gary on the floor, and watched as Gary’s eyesbrows furrowed with confusion. Gary opened his eyes to see Robbie smile gently at him, but noted that the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. Gary suddenly felt vulnerable, thinking about whether he’d done something wrong, may be had, maybe this was what Robbie had been talking about the day before. He thought about apologizing but he wasn’t sure what for, and so decided maybe it was best he left for the night and much to Gary’s slightly hurtful surprise, Robbie made no objection and actually quickly agreed. Furthermore, when they hugged goodnight, Robbie was the first to pull away, which he never did, usually Gary would practically have fight Robbie off, to be able to leave. 

Gary, now confused and hurt nevertheless told Robbie he’d be back to tomorrow if that was ok, “Sure” Robbie replied simply, overtly casual. Gary smiled at him before adding, “Rob – remember I’m willing to help with whatever you need, remember that yeah?”  
“Of course, Gaz – does that include sex?” Robbie remarked still with that casual smirk and was pleased to see Gary’s cheeks suddenly flush scarlet, although blink and you would have missed it. He gave Gary a quick one-arm hug and a peck on the cheek, “I know Gaz, thank you” he whispered in his undamaged ear. His tone was so soft and seductive that Gary was momentarily mesmerised and nearly even lost his balance, before he eventually left completely confused.  
Robbie closed the door and leaned against it, he could still smell Gary’s cologne lingering in the air. That was the hardest temptation he’d ever turned down but it had gone to plan, and Robbie couldn’t help but smile at that a little bit. 

 

The next day, when Gary turned up, Robbie’s door was already open and so he decided to creep up and surprise him. He tiptoed over to him, winding his hands around Robbie’s face, covering his eyess, “Guess who?!” he playfully asked, as if Robbie couldn’t guess. Robbie though surprised by the suddenness was however ready for him, and softly placed his own hands over those of Gary’s making sure to innocently caress them with light strokes as he gently removed them and turned to face his companion, “Well Mr Barlow! You’re right on time!” he winked, keeping hold of one of Gary’s hands, which Gary astoundingly allowed. They stayed holding hands for a lot longer than they should have and when they ate dinner and chatted as usual, Robbie got the distinct feeling Gary was being more flirtatious than usual. The pair of them always flirted a little with each other, for obvious reasons, but Gary was for some reason, suddenly being more obvious with it. 

It was quite some time later while Robbie was flicking through the TV channels for something to watch, that Gary noticed some kid’s drawings stuck up and asked if they were new, “Yeah, Ayda sent them over… very sweet of her” Robbie mumbled. Gary could tell it upset him, and so wondered over to Robbie, who had already dropped the remote and was staring hard at the crayon pictures. Gary laid a comforting arm around his back, “its ok mate, you’ll seen them again soon!” he smiled encouragingly. He looked up into Robbie’s eyes and could immediately see the pain there, and Gary just wanted to make it go away. He planted a quick kiss on his cheek without really knowing why. Robbie turned his brooding eyes away from the drawings to meet Gary’s. Their faces slowly inched closer. Gary was staring hard at Robbie, his expression unreadable. Robbie’s brooding was suddenly replaced with expectant thrill as he felt Gary’s breath so close that it caused a ‘tingling’ on his skin. Robbie’s lips were moist, salivating with anticipation. His body leaned closer to Gary but stopped, waiting for Gary to follow suit and finally he did; closing the distance between them, his chin stretched towards Robbie’s face. Robbie smirked as he watched Gary’s eyes slowly close as his lips reached out and sought Robbie’s. Gary had finally made the move, and Robbie was more than happy to comply this time, and so he leaned forward to catch Gary’s lips, in a soft gentle kiss. Robbie was immediately lost in the sensation. Gary’s lips were so soft, and he could soon feel Gary’s moist tongue begin to trace along his own bottom lip, tantalisingly enticing Robbie to part his lips, or so Robbie thought. 

One minute there was a pair of gorgeous lips on his, but gone the next. As only cool air hit Robbie’s wet lips, he sighed and opened his eyes already expecting to find the alarmed Mr Barlow staring back at him, reddened lips quivering, eyes hurt with shock and confusion, and sure enough Robbie wasn’t left disappointed in that respect. But he was always disappointed to see that look on Gary’s face. “Rob I..I’m – ”  
“Don’t you dare apologise Gaz, and don’t you dare –” he was immediately seething, angry and struggling to grasp what was going on in Gary’s head, how a man could be so confused and confusing at the same time was ridiculous, Robbie thought, but more than that it was bloody frustrating. He sighed, trying to regain some composure before continuing with a more levelled tone, “….look Gaz, I don’t know what’s going on it that head of yours, but you can’t keep doing this to me. I backed off you, and then you go and do that! What are you, just teasing me?! It’s not fair Gaz!”.  
Gary for his part, was in a state, more so than usual, since this was the first time he’d instigated the kiss, “I’m sorry Rob, I don’t know what came over me, I’m so sorry, the last thing I want to do is lead you on, god - Rob, please forgive me!” Gary pleaded, his eyes brimming with apology.  
That just made Robbie more angry. He was angry at Gary but also at the situation, after all he had been gently playing Gary for the last couple of days, with the goal of reaching the moment they had in fact just shared, but only for it to fail at the last hurdle. He was tired. He was frustrated. He was pissed off.  
He narrowed his eyes as he starred into Gary’s apologetic ones, “I said DON’T apologise, especially for simply running away from the situation as usual,” he scoffed, both angrily and somewhat sarcastically, “that’s just it, isn’t it - you’d just rather run away than face it like a man!” he finished with a growing sneer; he really was trying his hardest to provoke Gary, he didn’t care, and as Robbie witnessed, it was beginning to work…   
“Face it like a man?!” Gary snapped, “You are unbelievable! You act like it’s so simple, like it’s just a matter of you and me, but it’s not. I have a family with a WIFE I love very much and kids that are old enough to understand far too well. I have to stay strong about this, and giving into that and you, just shows weakness –”  
“Weakness?! That’s all I am to you, a fucking WEAKNESS?! Robbie raged, for that really hurt.   
Gary immediately realised his bad choice of words and quickly added, “I didn’t mean you’re the weakness, I mean the situation Rob, I can’t give in to it, no matter how much I may want to –”  
“Well that’s just you all over!” Robbie interrupted before his brain caught up with him, “ –WAIT…what did you just say?” he asked almost to himself, as his head replayed Gary’s last words-   
“It doesn’t matter.” Gary simply said.  
But Robbie was already starting to smile cunningly, “No….no you said, no matter how much YOU may ‘want it’! he smirked, pleased with himself.  
“I don’t think I did” Gary retorted unconvincingly.  
“You definitely did Gaz, you –”  
“Look!” Gary interrupted, now agitated, “it doesn’t matter what I said, it still has the same ending – I want to help you Robbie, and everything I do is to help you but I won’t jeopardise my family so what do you want from me Rob?”

Robbie was genuinely taken back but that and by the distressed tone in Gary’s voice. He took a breath, and stepped closer to Gary with a softer facial expression, “I’m not asking you to jeopardise anything, Gaz. Really, I just want the honest truth from you so I know I’m not going crazy if anything! Don’t you get it?! – you want to help me, well, this WILL help me! I promise it will…just tell me what you genuinely feel for me?…if anything.” Robbie felt he was almost begging now, it wasn’t a pretty sight.  
Gary rubbed his face, in a soft-comforting sort of way, he was struggling, this conversation was so intense and he was afraid of where it was leading. “Well, that’s stupid, of course I feel ‘something’ he replied matter-of-factly, “after all, I love you like a Brother, you are one of my oldest friends! And we’ve been through so much together through the years that I–”  
“Enough of the autobiography, Gaz” Rob interrupted dismissively, “and stop bloody avoiding the question, what do you feel for me?!” he bluntly asked, in a more commanding tone that made Gary take notice.   
Gary just looked at him, the familiar ‘torn’ expression obvious all over on his face. He was weary. He was afraid. Robbie watched him fiddling with his thumbs for what must’ve been two minutes until Gary finally sighed and allowed only timid words to leave his lips,“I…I feel…I feel something I know I shouldn’t Rob.”  
Robbie slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, needing a moment to absorb the words he had been waiting to hear for over 20 years.   
“Maybe –” Gary started nervously, “…maybe it’s true, maybe I’m not sure if I trust myself around you…but I’m sorry Rob, I’m definitely not sure I do trust you.” Robbie said nothing to that, but continued to listen intently, as Gary continued, “…the honest truth is: yes, I want to see you and spend time with you, probably more than I should, and in my heart and head, I’m…I’m having a hard time trying to work out on what level, because I know it’s more than on a ‘friendship’ level and that scares me! I...I just...I don’t know, Rob. The honest truth is, I just don’t know.”  
Robbie nodded and smiled sadly, it’s not what he exactly wanted to hear but he knows Gary is starting to be honest with him which he was thankful for. He just hoped he could help Gary to be more honest with himself, without causing either of them any more hurt, and so pondered his next words carefully…  
“Gary” he started calmly, “you know how I feel about you, I’ve never made it a secret” his tone was honest, and he saw Gary gently nod, “But that doesn’t mean you need to feel uncomfortable around me, you can trust me – I’m not going to push myself on you again. I just want you to be happy being you, and that’s the truth” he says with a small smile, to match Gary’s equally small, timid smile.

Robbie considered his next words even more carefully, “I know we always talk about my happiness and about me frankly being a massive liability –” Robbie finally remarked, “but I know I’m not the only one suffering here; and you always say you want to help me but…let me help you for a change”. Robbie stood up as he finished, walked over to him, and took Gary’s hands into his own warm palms. They stayed there for a short while before their smiles grew larger and more natural. Robbie reached around Gary with one arm to engulf him in a secure hug, and they stayed in that embrace, for definitly a lot longer than they should.  
After Gary left that night, Robbie sat in quiet contemplation thinking about that evening’s exchange between him and Gary, before removing the note pad from his drawer and scribbling once again. It was 4am before he got even a wink of sleep.  
****************************

 

Gary still turned up the next day, and Robbie could but smile at the fact he just kept coming back for more, yet tomorrow afternoon the other Take That lads would arrive too and that thought made Robbie become restless again, the yearning was becoming stronger, too strong, he could feel pangs of desperation beginning to break through. He didn’t want to ruin it, the plan was going well, even after all that happened yesterday, but he knew his neediness would get the best of him eventually and he’d do something foolish. He needed this to move along more quickly, and luckily he had one more hand to play. His last hand, and when Gary arrived wearing a dressed-to-impressed ensemble of sunglasses, cream chinos and a black shirt, Robbie knew the time was right. 

“Gaz, can you believe the lads will be here soon?!” he asked after dinner, with slightly faked excitement; of course he was looking forward to seeing the lads, he loved them all dearly, but he also wanted to stall it for more time alone with Gary. “Hmmm” Gary agreed, “maybe we should’ve worked on something before they got here, just so we have something to start with – bit late now though I guess…” Gary said, to Robbie’s secret amazement. Robbie tried hard to conceal his smile, this was exactly where Robbie had wanted the conversation to lead, “Actually Gaz, I have been working on something for a while, you know, while in this place, maybe you could look it over?” he ventured, as he took a notepad out of his bedside drawer and handed it to Gary.  
Gary perused the scribbled lyrics on the notepad, his eyes falling on the title…“Addiction?” He questioned, his eyes conveying worry, Robbie knew what Gary was referring to but Robbie had never had a problem with being blatantly honest in his lyrics, not that he need worry as the lyrics he had just handed to Gary were never going to be a song, they were for Gary’s eyes only. It was his truth, Robbie’s tell of addiction, but not to drink or drugs, but to forbidden love, to wanting, to the all-consuming power of it, and even to the pain of it all; it was the truth, laid bare for Gary to see in beautiful, poignant words he spent nights aching over. Robbie watched Gary’s face carefully as he read it, he didn’t want to admit it yet, but frankly he was at his wit’s end, and this was the last desperate attempt he had left in him, he couldn’t carry on, this was all too tiring. He began to even contemplate that maybe it was for the best that the lads would be here soon, if something was actually meant to happen between him and Gary, then surely it would’ve already happened while they’ve been alone together for more than a week now.   
Gary put down the notepad. “Rob, these lyrics – they’re beautiful” Gary spoke gently and simply, “I…I don’t know what to say”. Robbie smiled at him sadly, “it’s about you, you know that don’t you?” Robbie asked nervously. Gary smiled back and walked over to him, “I know that, Rob”.   
They stood there is silence, looking at each other a short while, before Gary turned back to the notepad, “I wish I had your confidence to put such words on a page, Rob” his voice was slightly pained which surprised Robbie, “Well, I wish I had your control and resilience, Gaz, then I’d be able to deal with this all much easier” he spoke honestly. Gary looked straight at him, “don’t Rob…don’t wish that – you’re best off how you are” he said, again laced with a distinct sadness, “control is exhausting”.  
Robbie smiled sadly and stepped closer to the pained figure, he had used lyrics that were honest and blunt, but he hadn’t meant them to cause Gary pain, but for some reason they did and Robbie had a distinct feeling he knew why, Gary was at his wits end too, forever at torment in his own mind, being pulled in two directions, but never ever letting it show. Robbie suddenly realised that it wasn’t that Gary refused to be honest with him, it was that Gary couldn’t let himself be honest, out of loyalty, love and protection of others, forever the strong captain. Robbie wished Gary would let him in, let him share some of that burden, but he knew Gary would never do that, he was far too strong to let that happen. 

Robbie just had to find another way in, “what would you do Gaz, if you could let go, if you could just say ‘sod control’ and lose it, just for one day?” he asked curiously, as he removed the notepad from Gary’s loose fingers. Gary’s expression was vacant, lost in thought, “I honestly don’t know” he said wistfully. Robbie closed the gap between them a little more, and in an attempt to offer comfort, he reached a hand out to stroke Gary’s cheek, gently. Gary smiled at the small gesture, taking his own hand and placing it over Robbie’s, which was still stroking his face. He held it there comfortingly, lightly closing his eyes, and leaning more into the touch, “I don’t know” he repeated once more, deep in thought. Robbie stayed there glued to the spot, his eyes fixated on the man before him. He felt funny, like he had butterflies in his stomach, but he didn’t know why, Gary’s hand was still holding his hand, the warmth was stirring things inside him, maybe that was causing the weird nervous feeling in his stomach. Gary suddenly opened his eyes and looked straight at him, and in that moment Robbie had never felt more naked, it felt like Gary was looking right into him asking him a question with his eyes, a question Robbie was terrified of getting wrong, because for some reason it felt like everything was riding on this moment between them. Gary stayed looking at him, and Robbie stayed still, yet he felt his heart beating all the faster. Gary moved his head closer to him, removing the hand from his cheek but still holding onto it.  
“I don’t know…why” Gary spoke suddenly and ever so softly, his face still looking at Robbie intently. Robbie was ensnared by that look, and his touch, but still had a nervous and slightly confused feeling, but that was only until all very suddenly Gary made the first move. 

He seemingly made the decision with what must’ve been a surge of adrenaline coursing through his veins; for Gary tugged on Robbie’s hand and pulled him gently to him, before reaching up and placing his lips on to that of the taller mans. Robbie was genuinely stunned into submission, taking time to comprehend it all before he remembered to kiss those delicious lips back, his stomach butterflies were going crazy. His plan to seduce Gary by getting him to come to him, had worked - even though it seemed he was now being seduced by Gary, at least he was here, now and it was happening now.

The kiss was slow and careful to begin with but so unbelievably sensual, the butterflies had burst free and produced a tingling that was erupting all over Robbie’s body. His mind was literally a ball of electrified fuzz; turned on fast and hard. But after a few moments of getting over the surprise and enjoying that first soft kiss, it suddenly changed in a way Robbie least expected; Gary’s hand was unexpectedly caressing Robbie’s face and slowly making its way down to his neck, reaching around to the nape of his neck, at which time Gary pulled him. When he felt Gary surprisingly tug him closer, he couldn’t help but smile into the kiss, it was just an inch closer but it made all the difference. The shock was over, they were so close now, the small amount of air trapped between them was rapidly heating up so that it suddenly felt like it was cooking Robbie’s skin - he wanted to take his shirt off, he wanted to take Gary’s shirt off. The kiss became needier, growing more intense every second, their tongues lashed, small moans escaped, growing louder, more urgent, more intoxicating, and the need to feel more of each other caused a burning desire inside of Robbie. He wanted more so bad, and he wanted it right now.

Robbie pulled Gary even tighter to him, closing the rest of the distance. He weaved his hands under Gary’s shirt, making the much needed skin contact; the coolness of his hands accidently triggered an involuntary yelp to escape Gary’s busy lips. Robbie loved that sound, he needed to hear it again. He dug his fingernails into Gary’s flesh, and sure enough Gary yelped again, before it turned into a desperate groan. The deep, longing tones caused more blood to rush down from the core deep inside Robbie’s actual being, cascading as it made its way down into his member; filling it, making it grow and twitch with excitement, forever aching for attention. But he had to hold strong though, he knew if he came on too strong, it might cause Gary to freak out and all this to come to an abrupt sorrowful end again. No, he needed Gary to feel ok with this, to want this as much as he did, and for that he knew Gary needed to feel in control. And so, Robbie willed himself to stay calm and take a step back, let Gary do the work. Yes, he needed Gary to ‘think’ he was in control, he wasn’t of course, Robbie was, and soon Robbie would show Gary just how much that was true. But for now, he was happy letting the man (that was currently wrapped around his body and thrashing his tongue down his throat) think that he was still in control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be heating up quickly now. The last two smutty chapters (except the prologue) are finished (thanks to a long train journey) and so this will be updated real soon. :-)


	8. Part 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things hot up between Robbie and Gary real quickly once the head switches off and the heart takes over, or more accurately, lust takes over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for this is basically porn...and I apologise to those on the train that may've caught some of what I was writing when in my divine logic I decided to write it on the train ride home. *blushes*
> 
> Summary: Heavy on sexual references. And this is only the beginning. You've been warned.

Gary was stumbling over his own feet trying to get some traction as he leaned into Robbie, but with no sufficient support behind them they kept pushing back against each other in urgency. They moved all over the place until suddenly Gary passionately forced Robbie backwards until his back finally made hard contact with the wall, causing Robbie to grunt.   
Finally with some support behind them, they continued to kiss, harder, messier, frantic with the lustful desire entering their bodies. But Robbie still held back, allowing Gary to feel in control; struggling to contain his yearning, his craving for more of the older man’s body to be pushed up against him. He could feel his legs shaking, his erection was so growing uncomfortably trapped in his tight dark trousers, he needed to desperately release it, unleash his hunger, but the last thing he wanted to do was scare Gary off by going too fast; and so he bided his time, waited for a sign that Gary was ready for the next step. 

They continued kissing, ravenously groping and clawing at each other’s bodies, trembling with lust - until Robbie finally saw his sign: Gary still had Robbie pinned against the wall, kissing him hard, when suddenly Gary’s slender long fingers that had been clawing at Robbie’s clothes, finally found themselves under the t-shirt and pulled it up, breaking the kiss to yank it unceremoniously over Robbie’s head, and continued kissing a now-topless Robbie. It was the sign Robbie was waiting for and hastily began to fiddle with the buttons on Gary’s black shirt, in response. With the buttons finally undone, he roughly wrenched the shirt open to expose a hard tanned chest, heavily breathing, already glistening with beads of sweat. He pulled the shirt down off Gary’s shoulders, but couldn’t get it fully off since Gary’s arms were still tightly woven around his own burning skin. 

Robbie was savouring every touch, every sensation but instinctively knew that if this was going to progress to something more then he’d have to take control. The decision was made, he pressed his tongue deep into the older man’s mouth once more, penetrating, tasting, smothering him. While the sudden onslaught caused Gary to struggle for breath, Robbie took the opportunity to push back against Gary and quickly turn to switch the situation so that he was the one now pushing Gary’s back against the wall, and he felt much better. His grin grew wide as he continued to kiss Gary even harder, dirtier, more desperately. When they needed air, Robbie automatically swapped to caressing Gary’s neck with his already swollen lips, leaving a moist trail of kisses before he sucked hard on the pulse point. Gary craned his neck gently in response, his whole body being stimulated by the simple action, he moaned deep and tunefully as if in a trance. The moans caused Robbie to pull back slightly and survey the effect. The sight was so deliciously indecent, that Robbie all of a sudden felt a swift jolt to his dick, and suddenly worried he may accidently end this ‘prematurely’ if he weren’t careful; but this was after all, his deepest desire becoming reality. He next moved to Gary’s undamaged ear lobe, nibbling it as he worked on removing the black shirt, finally dislodging Gary’s hands long enough to slide the silky cotton slowly down Gary’s arms, and let it drop to the floor. 

With their tops now both discarded they held each other close once more, arms twisted around each other, clinging on to hot skin, groping and grabbing flesh, they couldn’t keep their hands off the other’s body. Robbie wanted to move the situation on quickly but was stalling out of worry; he knew what he wanted the next step to be but if he pursued it and Gary rejected him, it would undoubtedly be something their friendship wouldn’t survive, one final awkward complication too far.   
He hesitated, until he felt Gary’s hands slipping down his body and suddenly sliding under his belt line just above his bum. With a spur of adrenaline Robbie went for it and grabbed Gary’s hips and pulled them against his own hot groin, rubbing his needy crotch against Gary’. He gently jerked his pelvis into Gary’s, his erection was painful and so obvious now, there was no point pretending his intention, but it was now acting as a silent question to Gary, asking him where this was going, and more precisely, if Gary wanted it to go the same way as him. The rubbing of clothed genitals against one another continued, with Robbie reaching around to squeeze Gary’s hard buttocks as if to offer a little more gentle persuasion, before he gave another jerk, a little harder this time and finally Gary finally answered him. Gary groaned deep and pushed his pelvis to meet Robbie’s thrust before pushing his lean fingers deeper down past Robbie’s belt line, reaching through the tight material until he was able to grab the soft muscular flesh of Robbie’s own buttocks, digging his nails in, for good measure. Robbie knew Gary’s nails would leave marks for sure and he’d wait to inspect those later, with elation. With Gary’s hands busy groping his bum, Robbie took the opportunity to kiss Gary’s neck again since he decided it was the best distraction while he undid Gary’s cream chinos.

Gary, caught up in the euphoria of the moment, either didn’t notice, or was finally submitting to Robbie’s will. Robbie undid the buckle and then ever so slowly the zip, and finally began to tug at the waist to pull it down. He was at the point of no return. After going this far he was not sure he could even take Gary’s rejection once again. Gary wriggles a little but doesn’t object, just continues to gasp and groan, even moaning Robbie’s name, and it sounds like the sexiest plea to Robbie’s ears; so lustful, so desperate. He smiled and decided to take the chance by delving a hand down the front of Gary’s undone chinos, and past the elasticated waist line of Gary’s pants. He waited for Gary to freak and push him off, but he didn’t. Instead Gary’s hips bucked gently, almost thrusting his groin more into Robbie’s searching hand, craving the touch, demanding attention. The motion caused Robbie’s hardened cock to twitch more violently, he was so very painfully hard and yearned for contact; he needed to feel Gary, and needed Gary to feel him. He continues to rub and squeeze Gary’s genitals, feeling the old man completely weaken under his touch. Still with one hand massaging Gary, he used his other to pull roughly at Gary’s clothes, and yanked until Gary’s chino came down, pulling his pants down with them.   
He then turned his attention to his own clothes and frantically fussed with the belt buckle trying to undo it. He kissed Gary once more, lazily exploring his mouth while Robbie’s real concentration was diverted to his hand that was now busy undoing the front button and zip of his jeans, before finally he was able to release his own desire from its clothed prison. 

With both their erections finally released, Robbie reluctantly removed his hand from Gary’s manhood in order to push his burning body completely on to Gary, and their naked members excitedly met for the first time. Robbie took a moment to savour the sensation of finally not only seeing Gary’s erection but knowing he, Robbie Williams was the cause of it, and the feeling – savouring the sweet feeling of his own cock touching Gary’s. As fattened members rubbed eagerly but ultimately inadequately, Robbie decided it was time to take this further; the kissing and groping was intoxicating but he needed Gary to finally submit to him, to give into him, and simply let himself go with it…and Robbie knew exactly how to do that.

Robbie left Gary’s mouth to kiss down his neck, until he met the collar bone which he in turn, littered with small light kisses. He started to bend his legs as he slowly sank down Gary’s body, kissing along his descent down Gary’s chest, licking and nipping at he went. Gary whimpered as Robbie sucked on a nipple, before gently blowing cool air on it, watching as it hardened. His lips were gently brushed by Gary’s light brown curly chest hairs as maintained a trail of kisses between Gary’s pecks and further down his toned stomach, following a beautiful trail of hair past his navel, at which point he paused and looked up at Gary. No matter how much he wanted this, he didn’t want to do anything Gary was uncomfortable with. Gary’s head was thrown back against the wall, his eyes closed and he was gasping, groaning, glistening with beads of sweat mixed with Robbie’s saliva, it was a deliciously sexy sight that Robbie wanted to imprint in his memory forever. Robbie lightly brushed his fingers up Gary’s thighs, before his hands came to rest on Gary’s hips, all the time watching Gary for a signal. Maybe he sensed it, but Gary choose that moment his eyes and look down at a rather dishevelled Robbie, now on his knees. The glance they shared was enough to reassure each other that this was something they both wanted. Robbie felt his heart pump hard and fast with anticipation, as he took an index finger and gently traced a line from Gary’s navel down towards his pubic region, snaking his finger in an ‘s’ shape as he went, before he reached Gary’s full erect penis. Robbie gently touched him there, his fingers making only a light contact with the sensitive skin. Every touch caused a tingly sensation to dance through Gary’s being, it went up his spine through his core, and all the way through to his extremities. He was switched on, filling to the brim, and needed release.

Robbie wanted to make this as erotically slow and sensual as he could, he wanted it to be perfect, after all it was 20 years in the making, but his own biology was catching him up, he needed to get Gary to where he was, otherwise this would all be over too soon. He proceeded to make a fist around Gary’s member and squeezed it gently, pumping it slowly and then more vigorously. Gary had to stifle a loud groan and grabbed the wall for support. Robbie was satisfied he had Gary’s attention. He then guided the tip to his mouth, swishing his tongue and licking the head. It was his first taste of Gary and he immediately wanted more, he licked up the back of the erection, from the tip all the way to the top, while his fist kept a firm grip. He could feel Gary start to quiver uncontrollably with stimulation, while Gary’s hands practically clawed at the wall. Robbie smiled mischievously before he placed the entire wetted tip in his mouth and breathed on it slowly. A helpless yelp escaped Gary, his breathing hitched, and he pointlessly rolled on to the tips of his toes. Robbie still had one hand on Gary’s hip and so pushed him firmly down again, before engulfing him completely. He took Gary all the way in, and straightaway began to suck his cock hard and relentlessly. Gary was immediately consumed in the sensation; his thighs were shaking, he was moaning, stretching his neck against the hard wall while his hands now grabbed at Robbie’s hair, twirling and gently pulling at it, all the while Robbie’s head continued to bob up and down his cock. While lightly grazing it with his teeth, Robbie kept the pressure firm, never relinquishing his contact, and quickly drove Gary to the edge. Gary felt that familiar deep tingling building quickly inside him, getting stronger and stronger; he wasn’t sure how long he could keep taking it. Robbie was relentless in his actions, sucking him so hard, Gary was pretty sure his legs would give way soon. He was throwing his head side to side now, he couldn’t think straight, he mouthed Robbie’s name again and again, and was sure he could feel the bastard smile, even with his mouth still clamped around his swollen cock. Gary couldn’t take anymore, it was all getting too much, and he needed to release himself.   
“Rob, Rob – I’m…I’m c..coming! G…g…god Rob I can’t ta…take –”, was all he could manage. Robbie smiled and gave him one last long suck, and Gary felt the wall inside him finally give way! Orgasmic wave after wave was instantaneously sent coursing through his body, as he released his load into Robbie’s waiting mouth, who swallowed it all. With that Gary’s legs truly began to buckle, but Robbie caught him, standing back up once more. Now back in Gary’s eye line, they looked at each other, assessing the damage; Gary’s face and upper torso was all sticky with sweat, his face flushed and his lips swollen a shade of purple where he’d bit down on them. Robbie meanwhile, was a scruffy mess with hair poking out at all different angles, a sticky substance dripping down his chin, and with a wild darkness in his eyes as he smiled his famous cheeky grin at Gary. Gary was too busy regaining his composure that he didn’t even notice at how Robbie had at some point kicked away his own remaining clothes and was now standing completely naked before him. Yet now that he saw him in his entirety, Gary couldn’t take his eyes off him. Robbie just kept smiling, he was lost in paradise as far as he was concerned since this was everything he’d wanted for so long. Gary reached out a hand to wipe Robbie’s chin as his own breathing was slowly returning to normal. Robbie grabbed Gary’s hand and licked the stickiness off, seductively sucking on Gary’s slender fingers. Gary was mesmerised, everything Robbie did was so sexual, so incredibly erotic he could feel the familiar tingling reappearing again inside him, already! Robbie took Gary’s hand and draped it around his own neck as he scooped the shorted man in his arms, pulling him off the wall, and kissed him once more. Robbie gently walked backwards, bringing Gary with him, until he reached the bed and he rotated them both slowly to place Gary at the foot of the bed where he lowered him softly on to it, before he immediately crawled on top of him. Gary laid back, pulling himself further up the bed as Robbie began to busy himself with kissing Gary’s body once more. Robbie snaked his way up it this time, worshipping Gary’s body as he licked his way up his chest until he found Gary’s neck once more. Gary wiggled and squirmed under Robbie’s every touch, feeling a tattooed hand in his hair, while a loose foot was now between his legs, yanking at the chinos still held up around the bottom of his thighs. Gary grabbed Robbie’s face, a hand on each side and brought him to his lips, delving in with his own tongue, tantalisingly tasting the saltiness that still lingered.   
Robbie was still working on the chinos, pressing his body down on Gary’s, rubbing his now VERY hard erection against Gary’s cock - reigniting its excitement in turn. Gary knew what Robbie wanted, what Robbie was looking to do to him, and although he knew he should be nervous, the sheer idea of it was turning him on, fast. The chinos and pants were at last gone, Gary was free and completely naked too. Robbie pulled himself slightly up off Gary to allow himself to gaze down at the man in his arms, taking in the sight, like he was looking at a piece of art, “You are fucking stunning, Gaz” he breathed, as he buried himself between Gary’s legs, pulling them gently around his sides. Gary smiled, “You’re not bad yourself neither” he whispered back with playful glee. Robbie grinned wider and stroked his hands up Gary’s body, watching every quiver his every touch caused. 

His hunger, his lust, his want was obvious to the pair of them. He tried to hold back from rubbing his needy cock into Gary’s pelvis, so to make it more romantic, but the moment their members met and brushed up against each other once more, he lost it. And once Gary had jerked his own hips upwards to meet Robbie’s and increase the pressure, Robbie released a lustful sigh and he closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of the man beneath him. With his breathing fastening, Robbie gave a gentle thrust, and both men softly groaned, their bodies were hot, the smell of sweat hung heavy in the air, it was time. Robbie’s want was driving him insane, “Oh fuck Gaz, I want you so badly!” Robbie growled. Gary simply looked up into Robbie’s lustful eyes, pulling him ever closer until they looked into each other intently - the desire in Robbie’s eyes so clear, so urgent.   
Gary knew exactly what he was after and finally, he was ready to give into him, “Take me Rob, I’m yours…”


	9. Part 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The erotic fun continues as Robbie and Gary FINALLY get down to business!  
> *WARNING: contains some strong language but only rarely, but a lot of graphic sexual references...in other words: smutty porny content I'm sorry*

Robbie stared at the man beneath him. He couldn’t quite believe this was finally happening. He was position on top of the man he’d always loved, the man he’s always yearned for, through everything; and now that man wanted him too, was giving himself to him, and was in fact pretty damn horny about it. Rob couldn’t help his smile, at that. 

 

They’d been here before of course, more than 20 years ago, in fact. After a drunken night out with the band, Gary and Robbie had stayed out longer, had gotten more drunk and had eventually stumbled back to Gary’s place. Robbie would often stay there so that he could enjoy a nice cooked breakfast in the morning courtesy of that ridiculous butler. On one such night, Robbie had indeed succeeded in getting Gary so drunk that when they got back, he of course, had to help Gary to bed and of course, had to help him undress. Robbie had always fancied Gary, and the infatuation and lust had long turned to longing and loving him - yet loathing Gary for it at the same time (Robbie was young after all).  
After removing Gary’s soft white see-through shirt, Robbie couldn’t help himself; he knelt down and kissed Gary on the lips, softly and sweetly.  
Luckily Gary kissed him back (they’d after all, done the occasional kissing and heavy petting before), and soon they were both on the bed, rolling around, looking for dominance over the other, their impassioned limbs entangled, the messy kissing and lustful moans becoming more needy and desperate by the second.  
In their intoxicated states they had been quickly moving towards sex…but that’s when it all came to an infamous, painfully abrupt end. Nigel had a spare key to Gary’s place for ‘security reasons’ or so he said, and went to check up on them after hearing of the drunken escapades through their chaperones. Nigel unfortunately walked into the bedroom, on that occasion, just as they were really getting down to business.  
And that was that.  
Nigel was furious, and put an end to everything. As the weeks went on after that, Robbie was convinced that the ever-manipulative Nigel, had turned Gary against him (or so Robbie thought after having a bust up with Gary following the unsuccessful suggestion that Gary should leave the band with him, Robbie). Robbie had felt unceremoniously rejected by the man he loved. His hurt and love for Gary, quickly turned to bitter hate, and the rest is history.

 

Robbie had to smile and even faintly chuckle to himself that after all that, after all this time, after everything they’d been through, they’d finally found each other again - and finally, here they were. _“…I’m yours”_ Gary’s words repeatedly rang in his head. 

Robbie was still groping and grinding his groin against the man underneath him, he sat up a little, taking in the view and reached over to the drawer. The notepad was there, now redundant – it’d done its job. Robbie instead, quickly found what he was looking for and was rapidly, sloppily, squirting copious amounts on to his hand in his haste. Gary was still squirming beneath him in sheer erotic expectation, and when the cold lubrication from Robbie’s hand made contact with his back entrance, he was sent into wriggling, moaning mess and Robbie just sat there enjoyed the view, while he slowly and meaningfully lubricated himself too. His hands were shaky and he wasn’t sure if it was the adrenaline/serotonin mix inside him, or if he was actually, just really nervous about this – what if he’d do something wrong, what if he hurt Gary? He might be Robbie Williams, but he’d never actually done this before, sure he’d watched it a fair few times (he was still a kinky son-of-bitch after all) but he’d never been inclined to go here with any man, other than Gary. He took a breath and took the leap to finally cross that invisible line between friendship and lovers…

If Gary had been squirming and moaning before, it was nothing compared to how he reacted to Robbie pushing his index finger through his anal sphincter. Robbie watched in satisfaction as he finally penetrated Gary in way he’d only dreamed about. Robbie kept it up until he had two fingers inside of Gary, while his other hand was attending his own needy cock, pumping it, preparing it. 

It was time. Gary, however, was still on his back with his legs curled around Robbie’s bum pulling him towards him, and Robbie couldn’t get the angle right, he needed Gary on his front. He removed his fingers from inside Gary (and received an erotic sigh from Mr Barlow), and moved them instead to Gary’s neglected cock, which he caressed and pumped. He moved up to Gary’s face, scattering soft calming kisses over his face and behind his damaged ear, gently coaxing him on to his side. Gary seemed to understand what was happening and complied, quickly turning on to his stomach. He seemed to be preparing himself for what was coming next. Robbie was still nervous but his need was much greater, “let me know if it’s too much Gaz” he whispered softly, to which Gary simply replied with a soft moan-full, “ummm”.  
Robbie was completely sprung, he was so horny and full of desire for the man he was about to make love, he couldn’t stall any longer, he pulled Gary’s hips towards him, pulling his muscular glistening buttocks up a little before he placed himself at Gary’s entrance. Ever so painfully slowly he then pushed himself against the entrance until the muscle gave way to him and he finally entered Gary fully. He slowly sank into Gary’s passage, to be met with the intoxicating sound of Gary’s groans, feeling of his own euphoria ignite. The sensation was quick and powerful, god he needed to thrust but knew he had to wait to get Gary used to the feeling first, and so slowly he sunk himself back in and pulled out, back and forth, but never pulling completely back out, the movements were excruciatingly slow for both of them, and the erotic sound of deep groans coming from both of them was bringing Robbie close to the edge already.

For Gary is was a slightly different experience, the anticipation was intoxicating but the actual penetration was excruciating. The pain was sharp and relentless and in fact felt like he was been ripped apart; he could feel Robbie sinking inside him and even with the lubrication it still felt rough and raw. The pain was so much that he was struggling to get used to it, and in fact he wasn’t sure how much more he could take…but then something weird happened, Robbie sunk into him a litter deeper, a litter longer and it triggered a weird but not unwelcome sensation down inside him. He’d never felt anything like it. It felt like his stomach did a back flip, and when Robbie’s movements caused the same sensation in him again, it was even more pleasant and he immediately wanted to feel it again. He wanted to feel it again and again, for longer. He pushed his backside out, further into Robbie’s groin, wishing for Robbie to go deeper. He clawed at the bedsheets in needy frustration, and felt Robbie place a hand on top of his, while the other remained fixed to his pelvis, “…mmmmore, Rob I need more” he groaned, it was all he could do. Robbie must’ve heard and understand immediately because all of a sudden his thrusting became more erratic, harder, faster, he was hitting that funny spot inside of Gary all the more, again and again, and Gary loved it! He didn’t even feel the pain anymore, he only felt Robbie inside him, giving him pleasure by causing that weird sensation again anf again, and it was now pulling into one spot inside him, growing, threatening to erupt…

Robbie had a similar feeling quickly building up inside him and had been waiting for Gary’s signal to speed up the thrusts, so when he finally got it, he literally let it all out, he thrusted hard into Gary, back and forth, relentlessly, pushing deeper, a little rougher, god he felt so alive, he was fucking Gary, and he still couldn’t believe it. But with each thrust he could feel himself growing closer to his limit, he didn’t want to come yet but the feeling was so consuming he couldn’t help himself. He needed Gary to come with him, and so he ploughed on faster, harder, “ahhh god Gaz, I’m inside you so deep…you feel so incredible…just give yourself to me…” he groaned; they were both groaning, sweating, panting, and quickly edging to both their limits; their bodies were on fire, and the air was thick with the scent of sweat mixed with sex, he couldn’t last much longer…  
“just relax and let go Gaz…give yourself to me…” he kept repeating in Gary’s good ear. He felt Gary jerk his hips back to meet him again, and he thrusted deeper still, and that’s when he felt it, he felt Gary letting go, truly letting go, so he grabbed Gary’s cock and pumped; once, twice and Gary was done – he came hard, his body suddenly stiffened as he peaked & climaxed, before his body started to jerk in Robbie's arms, in amidst the throes of his own orgasm.  
And as Gary’s muscles spasmed with exhilaration beneath him, it was the limit for Robbie. He thrust into Gary hard - one last time, and felt himself suddenly erupt, his orgasm sent wave after blissful wave of utter sexual euphoria to course through his body, his soul. It was intense and calming at the same time as he felt his load be released deep inside his companion. He held Gary tightly to him throughout, until he was finally spent; and they both unceremoniously fell into the mattress, exhausted. After a minute or so, it took what remaining energy Robbie had left to finally pull out, and roll off Gary.  
“That was fucking amazing” was all he could muster between pants. He’s heart was racing, his breathing was heavy, laced with exhaustion and yet he was completely satisfied for the first time in a very long time. He looked over at Gary who was still on his stomach, equally spent. Robbie shuffled over to him and pulled the duvet over them both before he laid a shy arm across Gary’s back. He took hold of his shoulder and gently coaxed Gary onto his side, and shuffled closer to him so that they were spooning. Robbie could still hear Gary’s soft pants as he pressed his chest firmly on to Gary’s back. Gary stayed silent but took hold of Robbie’s hand and pulled it around him tighter, securing it in his, and gently caressed it. The act was simple but beautiful.  
“Gaz – are you ok?” Robbie’s tone quiet and unassured. Gary stayed silent. The silence was deafening for Robbie, he began to worry and his heart began to race again, but now in panic – had he ruined everything?!  
That was all until he heard the two sweetest words leave Gary’s sleepy form, “No regrets…”  
Robbie smiled, and inwardly chuckled at the significance of Gary’s two little words. He hugged the older man to him, even tighter if possible, until he could feel their two hearts beating as one; Robbie felt secure - they were on the same page, at long last.  
As he finally began to drift off to sleep, he thought back to that note pad with the song lyrics and mentally scolded himself for not using them earlier, he should’ve realised…he should've known all along -  
…music was always the way to Gary Barlow’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for those not into porn, hope it wasn’t too much (I know it was).  
> Thank you to all who’ve been reading this, and especially those that have left such lovely comments. The next & last chapter will be the prologue, and will cover the morning after, the other TT lads joining them, and how they carried on their love affair - so it's fairly long and I'm still writing it. The reason for a prologue being, that fanfiction which suddenly stops without an ending (usually because the author gets bored of it or loses inspiration or is just too busy) bugs me sometimes because I need closure. So this one WILL have closure.  
> I hope you have enjoyed this thus far, if you have, and have any ideas for a new fanfiction, let me know. I’m currently on the lookout for inspiration. I prefer cc (OTP) but might be tempted to do barlowen too!


	10. Part 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the night before, and the boys are back in town! Mark, Howard and Jason join Gary & Robbie in LA to write a new album, just as Gary and Robbie are coming to terms with what they did. Will they feel the same about each other, or has their night of passion change everything?!

The door closed and Robbie flopped backwards back on to the bed, spread-eagled and gently chuckled with contentment for the first time in ages. A goofy smile was plastered all over his face as he drifted back off into his dreams. He was happy. He was truly happy.  
******************************************************************************************************************************************

 

If Robbie thought that all these years of sexual frustration with just imagining sex with Gary was hard enough to live with, he was in no way prepared for the utter frustration of the ‘post-sexual experience’: of just watching Gary sit across from him, casually talking to the other lads whilst barely sending a glance in Robbie’s direction. It confused him how Gary could so easily carry on as normal, chatting as normal, getting on with his work as normal; when Robbie was sat there replaying every moment of their sexual encounter in his head, every sexual moan and groan, the scent of Gary’s body stuck in his head, the feel of Gary’s soft caresses on his skin…every feel, every touch of every inch of each other’s bodies… he just couldn’t get their unbelievably hot sex out of his head, his mind kept reliving how euphoric it felt to be physically pounding into Gary like there was no tomorrow! It was sending him crazy! To think that less than 24 hours ago they had been shagging, so intensely and passionately…and yet now they were here with the other Take That lads discussing a writing schedule so sedately. 

No, Robbie was not coping at all, and it was only a matter of time before one of the lads asked him why he had had a pillow on his lap all day. 

 

Robbie quietly surveyed Gary chatting with Howard about music backing tracks, when he noticed that Gary was actually making a point of not looking at him. He recalled he actually hadn’t seen Gary look in his direction even once all day! Robbie’s head began to spin, as it consequently furiously began to over-think as usual, _‘he regrets it! Gaz regrets what we did, he’s had time to think and realises he doesn’t want me, he’s feeling guilty – of course he’s feeling guilty and now he’s going to run away from it and me all over again. I can’t believe I’ve been so foolish, so stupid, I had to push it, didn’t I? I had to have it all, and now I’ve probably lost him forever, he’s not going to want to speak to me ever again, he’s probably freaking out just being here with me, he probably can’t wait to escape - but I can’t cope without touching him again, being with him again, seeing him again, I can’t cope without him! What have I done?! I should’ve just left everything as it was, I’d rather have what we had before last night than a whole life of him avoiding me because of what we had last night! I’m such an idiot!!!’_ His heart was furiously beating as the dark thoughts continued to rake through his mind, his face was heating up as blood rushed to his face in embarrassment, before his ears began to buzz as the anxiety started to become overwhelming. He needed air, he needed to get out of here but he couldn’t, not without the sodding cushion on his lap!

“Hey, you ok?” a gentle husky voice whispered musically in his ear. Robbie opened his eyes (he wondered when had he closed them?!) and found a pair of beautiful green eyes boring into his own. Worry gently glistened in Gary’s bright eyes, as Robbie saw his own flushed face faintly reflected in them. He wanted to reach out and hug him and never let him go, but that he was pretty sure would cause Gary to freak out, especially in front of the lads.  
But the lads weren’t there. Robbie looked around, they were alone.  
“Where did everybody go?” Robbie gingerly asked, now nervously trying to avoid Gary’s eyes.  
“Gone to grab some food for us, I sent them after I noticed you going into silent melt-down over here, and I didn’t want them thinking you weren’t ready for this - you are ready for this, right? …and what’s with the cushion mate?!”

Robbie was still anxiously breathing fast, his face was still hot, he couldn’t think, he felt his lips beginning to wobble as he looked Gary in the eyes once more, only to watch Gary’s look of concern grow even more just before he suddenly pulled Robbie into a tight hug.  
“Oh no, you’re not ready are you?! I’m so sorry Rob, this was all too soon for you, of course it was, what was I thinking?!” Gary fretted aloud, while tightly holding Robbie to him. Robbie let his body melt into Gary’s, as he considered what Gary had just said; Gary was worried about him, he wasn’t leaving him - he’d in fact sent the lads away just so he could talk to him. Robbie finally began to relax, but he held on to Gary just as tightly. He needed to stop over-thinking, he really did.  
“It’s not that Gaz, I really am ready, and I’m happy to be with you all here, it’s just I’ve been worried about how you’re feeling about everything this morning…you know, after what happened last night – you’ve barely spoken or even looked at me since you left this morning” Robbie spoke glumly.  
He watched as Gary’s brow furrowed and his look hardened, and braced himself for the worst.  
“Rob, you idiot, I’m not avoiding you, I’m just trying not to give anything away. I’m bloody awful at lying and if I look at you I can’t help grinning or staring! I’m sorry mate, I didn’t mean you to read anything into it….” His voice was gentle as he pulled away from Robbie and racked a hand through his hair before fixing it back into a side sweep, his lips began to slightly pout as if he was biting the inside of his mouth, there was something he needed to say but he was holding back. It was Robbie’s turn for furrowed eyebrows as he placed his hand on Gary’s thigh and squeezed it gently, coaxing Gary on, “please tell me Gaz, I know there’s something, go on…please”.

Gary looked at him with uncertainty but sighed, “Rob, I don’t want you to read anything into this but I don’t know what I’m feeling. I think I’ve been worried about last night happening at some point for most my life, and certainly since we reconnected after all that time of not seeing each other...and then before I came out here to visit you I knew it could be a possibility and that terrified me!”  
Robbie swallowed hard – he had a feeling he wasn’t going to like where this was heading.  
“But –”, Gary continued, “I know now, I was worried because I knew deep down I wanted it so much too. You have this hold on me Robbie Williams, and I’ve been running away from it for so long because I can’t bear the thought of hurting anyone, but I…I can’t do that anymore, not after last night. I want it, I want you. I know that now”.  
Robbie was in shock. Everything he ever wanted to hear out of Gary Barlow’s mouth, just did and he was slightly suspicious he had simply imagined it!  
“ –Yet…” Gary said more than slightly hesitantly, and Robbie’s exhilaration was suddenly halted, “…I’m sorry Rob, but I just feel so sick with guilt about what we did too. I love Dawn more than life, I love my beautiful family so much, and I would do anything to protect them! …which is why I’m so confused, and so ashamed because I’m now the one who’s a threat to my own family –and I have no idea what to do!” Gary bowed his head down, placing his face in his hands, in despair.  
Robbie looked at him with deepest sympathy, he was looking at a man in utter anguish, torn between two loves, a man with a world of worry on his shoulders, and Robbie just wanted to take it all away from him. He thought about maybe doing the right thing and saying they should walk away right now – call it a single night of passion that no one need know anything about, and leave it at that. 

….but he couldn’t. 

Call him selfish and self-satisfying but he couldn’t walk away from Gary, not now they’d finally ‘found’ each other! He wanted to keep it that way, he wanted to keep Gary with him even though he knew that he’d never have Gary all to himself, but reckoned he could learn to live with that; the most important thing was they stayed on the same page, “Of course you’re going to feel like that Gaz, I wouldn’t expect you not to, just don’t shut me out ok, I‘m here in whatever capacity you want me, always – just know that. I know you feel torn right now, but don’t be – its ok, we’re ok and we will be as long as we keep being honest with each other. I know you feel guilty, and we’ll figure it all out I promise you, just don’t shut me out, please”, he beseeched him.  
Gary felt Robbie’s strong hands engulf him again, and took his face out of his hands to look at the confident face in front of him, _‘since when had they switched roles?!’_ he bemusedly thought to himself.  
He let a small crooked smile creep out the corner of his mouth, and sighed, “Ok…but Rob, seriously, what’s with the cushion?!”

************************************************************************************************************************

 

“Good work Marko, these lyrics are looking a’ beautie! Has Howard seen your additions to the chorus, I’m thinking we need to put some big orchestral movements in this one, coming in from the second verse, what you think Bob?” Gary asked.  
They’d been working on a number of songs for quite a few days already and Gary being ever the captain of confidence as usual, as well as leading the musical direction which had helped them already complete 8 potential songs, for an album they still weren’t sure they were making. Robbie looked up from his laptop, “yeah mate – sounds great” he causally replied. Robbie of course still wanted Gary more than ever and sitting across the table from him, just watching him was inadequate, sometimes it felt like he was a mere thought away from just throwing himself at Gary in desperation but luckily for him they still got to have some time alone together in the evenings. Gary had told the other guys early on that Robbie wasn’t ready for them to come visit him at the Rehab facility he was still currently staying, so Gary helpfully dropped Robbie back there every evening. Of course, what the other lads didn’t know was that Gary wouldn’t then leave there until early the next morning where he’d have to evade the security team all over again. 

The more they saw each other, the more they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, Robbie would spend most of the day picturing in his head all the things he was going to do to Gary that evening when he finally got him to himself again…and all the things he was going to get Gary to do to him! It had taken Gary a fair few days before he had shyly asked if he could ‘top’ for once. Robbie was pretty sure he had never nodded his head so quickly or so violently his head might come off, but it was something he had wanted to experience for a long, long time. The first time Gary topped, they decided the shower was the best place because Gary was really quite nervous about it, which Robbie found particularly adorable. 

Robbed stripped off and walked into the shower and turned on the water as he awaited his companion. Gary must’ve been psyching himself up for it, because it was a little while before he saw Gary’s muscular form through the mist filling the ensuite bathroom, his proud form standing and slowly stripping in front of Robbie. Robbie stood there transfixed, staring through the wobbly drips on the shower door, his member prickling and growing as each piece of clothing was slowly lifted away from Gary’s skin and removed. Robbie reached down and caressed himself, rubbing himself in anticipation, softly squeezing himself as he tried to keep his impatience under control.  
The slowness of Gary’s moves were killing him, he wanted him so much. He bit his lip to stop him from making his impatience so obvious, as he knew Gary would only play on it (the bastard!) and finally he was rewarded as Mr Barlow slinked in and shut the door behind him. He turned so he could feel two arms wrap around him from behind before Gary’s own erect member pressed against him. He spun around so they could embrace each other properly, and allowed them to fall into a deep long kiss.  
The kissing and groping soon became more urgent as the warm water cascaded over their naked entwined bodies. Gary finally removed his lips from Robbie’s and a sigh escaped Robbie as Gary switched to kissing his neck, and then his ear, biting on it gently. Robbie continued to grope the shorter man, and pressed his needy neglected cock into Gary’s groin, to drop quite a big hint. Gary quickly cottoned on and began to sink to his knees, kissing all the way down Robbie’s chest, kissing each tattoo as the water continued to flood down between their bodies.  
Gary reached Robbie’s groin, and first cupped Robbie’s testicles, massaging them gently which caused Robbie to groan, before he moved to Robbie’s penis. He massaged it, softly pumping it, and although it felt fantastic to Rob, it was also extremely inadequate, the slowness of it was driving Robbie insane. Finally he couldn’t take anymore, and practically screamed out a forceful yet pleading “suck me, god please just suck me!” Was it an order or a plea he wasn’t sure, but when he chanced a look down in Gary’s direction he was satisfied to see a smile smirk play over Gary’s face before he watched as Gary dove in and engulfed Robbie. It was a beautiful sight from where Robbie stood, to see Gary’s head bobbing up and down on his cock, furiously sucking whilst still massaging him. Robbie was in sheer heaven, the effect was immediate and intense, the pleasure was all-consuming, and he needed more. He couldn’t help grabbing at Gary’s hair, pushing his head gently into his groin, gently thrusting more into it, until he felt himself hit the back of Gary’s throat. Gary pulled back off after making a gagging sound but quickly sank his mouth back around Robbie’s twitching cock, continuing to softly graze it with his teeth as he sucked it hard, taking it deep into the back of his throat. Robbie was so close, and Gary knew it. Just as Robbie had reached the edge of coming, Gary pulled off, and suddenly the only wet thing on Robbie’s dick was the still running water. He moaned as he opened his eyes to look down into Gary’s dark smirk. There was a dark determination in that look; lust and want mingled in them in a way Robbie hadn’t yet seen. He loved it, and he couldn’t wait anymore. He turned himself around and felt Gary rise up from his knees, before his arms reached around and caressed Robbie’s member once more, Gary’s lips were on his neck and his erect member now delicately prodding his backside, timidly searching for the spot. Robbie leaned forward a little, until he was gently bending against the cold shower tiles, helping Gary to find his entrance, and he did. 

The initial impact was painful, it was intensely raw, and when Gary pulled back out, it left him sore. Gary repositioned himself and sank back in even more slowly and Robbie couldn’t help the groans of pleasure pain; the more Gary slowly sank into him and slowly pulled out, the more he wanted. The feeling of it was weird but he wanted more. He needed more, deeper and rougher, and so he bent forward even further, allowing Gary even more access, and Gary took the hint and sank deeper into Robbie. Robbie pushed his hips back to meet him and soon they quickly found a rhythm, which steadily got faster and rougher. The sound of wet skin on wet skin producing a clapping with every thrusting impact, coupled with the groans that escaped both men, as Gary shoved himself deeper into Robbie, and Robbie loved every minute of it, the pain was long gone, now all that was left was the need for more, and more.  
Every time Gary thrust into him, he felt a spring inside be set off, it was insanely intoxicating and he was feeling it more and more quickly, that ‘feeling’ was building up inside of him, he was nearing his limit and by the sound of groans acoustically vibrating around the shower cubicle, the feeling was mutual for Gary. Gary was swollen inside him, still thrusting while pumping Robbie’s member, faster, rougher and more and more urgent, and Robbie kept pushing back onto him to meet every thrust, needing to feel every second of it – they were on the edge of their respective orgasms, hearts were beating, blood was pumping, breathing was fast, heavy, loud, hard until with one more thrust they were there – Gary jolted, yelping Rob’s name, and Robbie suddenly felt him come inside him; the warm sensation pushed him over the edge and he felt himself suddenly release into Gary’s hands.  
They were spent.  
Robbie collapsed against the shower tiles, and Gary on top of him, both struggled for breath all the while the warm water continued to wash over them, bathing them clean. Robbie felt amazing, the experience was everything he wanted it to be and he wanted it again and again but Gary left for the studio shortly after the shower, said he had been hit with inspiration – Robbie couldn’t wait to hear what the result the next morning!

***********************************************************************************************************************************

 

Every night they were together, and every day they had to act like nothing was going on, something that Robbie was finding more and more difficult as time went on. He started having lapses of concentration where he would grab Gary or grope him before he remembered where he was. Gary had far more control than him and still was able to function correctly without giving anything away. The other lads seemingly carried on regardless. But it couldn’t go on this way forever, time was not on their side, it was a conversation neither had wanted to start, but it was one fast approaching. 

Howard had been the first to mention the fact they had over 18 songs to choose from now, and most were ready to go to a producer. Mark approached the point first, that they all needed to sit down and decide what they were doing with all these songs, he privately remarked to Howard that it was strange it had to come from him to start the ball rolling, Gary was usually the man for that. But these days Gary was preoccupied with too much, and Mark saw that. He tried to engage Gary in conversation about it, but found him strangely shut off.  
Gary was stuck up to his neck in it, he and Robbie had been having a lot of fun and time to themselves but that time was coming to an end. The rehabilitation facility had informed Robbie he was ready to be released from their care. The matter of the shooting wasn’t going to be taken any further by the judge, and so he was officially allowed to leave and return to his LA home. This wouldn’t have been so bad except for the fact it coincided with the fact the lads had pretty much finished writing. Robbie was quite insistent saying they still had songs in them, but Howard and Mark said they needed to get back home, and remarked that surely Gary did too. Jason as usually, quietly surveyed the situation and agreed he was ready to leave LA, even though he like the rest of the lads enjoyed the anonymity in LA, he'd already had enough of the LA lifestyle, if he was honest.  
“We need to have a sit down, I think” Mark said one morning, “figure out what we’ve got and what we’re gonna do with it, don’t you think Gaz?”  
“I guess so” Gary mumbled. Mark furrowed his eyebrows at him, and Gary cleared his throat, “I mean of course you’re right Markie, I reckon we have some right diamonds here an’all!” Mark seemed satisfied with that reply, but missed the look Gary and Robbie shared moments after. 

Later that afternoon they sat down and patched out what songs they were going to send to the producer to make an album. They decided to go ahead and make an album, it didn’t mean they needed to release it, and certainly didn’t mean they were committing to promo or even a tour, but strangely (or at least it seemed strange to Mark, Howard & Jason) Robbie was suddenly all up for promoting an album, he remarked that it’d be nice to spend time in the UK, and even the prospect of a tour didn’t seem so scary. Mark was not convinced and thought it was too soon after all Robbie had been through, Gary appeared to agree, albeit staying sagely silent, his expression was one of pensive thought. Robbie seemed to notice that and became quiet.  
The conversations continued, until they had reached a decision about what songs to send production, including the “diamonds” Gary had mentioned.  
After the talking, Howard noticed the atmosphere was still a little stilted and so brought out a pack of cards, and all five lads sat and played some cards, soon the atmosphere became more relaxed and jubilant as they cracked a few laughs and reminisced about old times. That was until Howard became convinced Jason had cheated by keeping a card back and started searching through the pack to count the Ace’s while Mark took to a building a house of cards. All the while Gary and Robbie kept to themselves; they sat beside each other, rather closely, and quietly spoke, arranging a time for Gary to pick Robbie and his stuff up from Rehab. Mark’s house of cards soon toppled (mostly due to Jason throwing the missing Ace at it), and Mark was left picking the cards up from the floor. He placed them back on the table but not before shooting Gary a weird look. Gary caught the look and returned one of confusion. Mark simply starred at him, hard for the rest of the afternoon. 

Gary was confused as to what bee Mark had got in his bonnet but couldn’t care about that now. He had spoken to Dawn early that morning after leaving Robbie’s bed. The guilt was weighing down on him, and he felt physically sick about how much this would hurt her and their marriage, not to mention what it would do to the kids. He knew he had to stop it, but he just couldn’t. He just couldn’t.  
He had agreed a return date with Dawn, it was the same date the other Take That lads where leaving LA, he decided he couldn’t stay any longer, otherwise it would raise suspicion. He felt in his head this was a good decision, and yet his heart was torn, he didn’t want to leave Robbie here alone, he didn’t want to be away from Robbie. The more time he spent with Robbie, the more he needed him, and the more he wanted to be with him. He dreamt about him all through the night before waking up in the younger man’s arms. They were constantly hungry for each other, the lust was all-consuming, and the time they spent together was so intense, so intoxicating and pleasurable, he just wanted to have it more and more. He certainly didn’t know how he was going to cope without it. To make things worse, there seemed to be an unsaid rule that they wouldn’t talk about Gary’s departure, if one brought it up, the other would quickly change the subject, as after all, denial was a much more blissful place to reside in. They knew they had to have a talk, they both knew it. Eventually they would need to answer the question ‘what next?’

They thought that was their biggest problem, but it wasn’t. Their biggest problem they didn’t know about yet but it came in the shape of Mark Owen.

 

“Rob – you ready to leave? Think we better head off soon as possible, it might take more than one journey after all” Gary quietly suggested. The card games were over, Howard was on the phone to Katie, Jason was flicking through a book and Mark had gone to get some coffee.  
“eh, yeah, good idea Captain!” he said with a wink, and they both started to get their things together, “Right, lads we’re off for the night!” Gary called over his shoulder as they headed to the door. Howard pulled his ear away from the phone, “ay hold up Gaz, didn’t Mark mention we thought we’d help out, so you don’t need to make so many trips?”  
Gary and Robbie exchanged a look but Robbie was the one who spoke, “ah I don’t want to cause you guys trouble, I’m sure we’ll fit it all in”.  
Howard quickly ended his call, “Nonsense, what with all the crap you drag around with you Rob, you’ll need a small truck more like! Me and Mark will bring our cars too, besides Mark thought we could all go back to yours and get take-out, and just have lad’s night in, you know settle you back in, like!” Howard said enthusiastically.  
Gary and Robbie looked at each other, neither could think of anything to say.  
“Exactly!” said a bright, bubbly voice behind them. They turned to see Mark had returned with coffees in hand, “hence the coffee, I thought more hands and all that – don’t you agree Gaz?” Mark enquired with a strange look that made Gary nervous. “eh sure” Gary agreed unconvincingly, “shall we go ahead first then?”  
“Actually if you don’t mind, I thought Howard and Jase could go ahead with Rob, as I need your advice on something Gaz, if that’s alright?” Mark still had that strange expression but Gary couldn’t refuse and so it was agreed. Rob chanced a disappointed glance in Gary’s direction before being shuffled out with the other lads, soon leaving Gary and Mark in the studio alone.

Gary had a weird feeling in his stomach, but tried to cover it up as best he could, “so, what’s up Marko?”  
Mark looked at him, with that same hard stare, his mouth set in a frown that didn’t suit him, “I wanted your advice on how to help a friend from ruining his life”.  
Gary was taken aback by that, “I’m sorry, who you mean Markie?”  
“You know exactly who I mean, so don’t play the fool Gaz, and certainly don’t treat me like an idiot – how could you do this?! How could you finally give in to him?!”

Gary’s stomach dropped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I know I said it was 10 chapters only but the prologue was becoming so long and disjointed that I decided to break it down, and so I reckon this will be 11 chapters now with the 12th being a prologue. Plus this way there’ll be more of the other Take That boys now! Also I know there is porn in this chapter again, I do apologise. to be honest, I really think I should stop writing to stop me from doing it! Hopefully it makes sense why I included it, in any case. Hope you enjoy the chapter – let me know if you do, and if you have suggestions for a new story/pairing. I love writing but inspiration is sometimes a struggle.


	11. Part 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary's in trouble, it's time to come clean. What will become of him and Robbie?

Gary could feel the heat rushing to his face, as the stab of panic settled in his heart. He racked his brain trying to think of how Mark had figured it out, his conclusion being he couldn’t have, he just couldn’t know about him and Robbie. He cleared his thoughts before he plastered a small unconcerned composed smile on to conceal the panic beneath, “What are you talking about Markie?” he simply asked lightly.

Mark looked through the blatant calm façade, “I saw you Gary! I was picking the cards up off the floor and I saw you under the table, I saw you both!”  
Gary’s heart quickened again, as he frantically thought about what Mark could’ve seen, but his mind was blank…  
“His hand was on your leg!” Mark answered the unspoken question, spurting in a unfamiliar high voice.

Gary still determined to deny anything and everything as much as possible, carried on seemingly nonchalant, “So what Mark?! It was just a hand, you’ve done the same, I do that sometimes, it’s just a friend thing for Christ sake – you need to chill out mate!” He suspected he may have gone a bit too far with that last part, considering how wide Mark’s eyes went in response, he certainly wasn’t about to ‘chill’ at any rate.  
“Don’t fob my off! Rob slowly rubbing his hand HIGH on your INNER thigh isn’t a friend thing, it’s a lover thing!” Mark yelled, his eyes flaring wildly.  
Gary opened his mouth to object, but with what, he knew not. He could tell Mark wasn’t about to let him talk his way out of this, at any rate.  
“…besides the way you’ve been acting anyway”, Mark continued, “the way you’ve both been since we’ve got here; I knew something was up, and now I know what’s going on, anyhow I can read you like a book Gary, I always have! But how could you do this? What about Dawn, the kids? You’re going to ruin everything!!”

Gary dropped his gaze, he couldn’t look at Mark, and everything he’d been running from had just caught up with him. With Gary offering no response, Mark continued, his voice dripping with hurt and anger, “Why after all this time, why on Earth would you finally give in to him like that?! It makes no sense!”  
Gary felt dizzy, his head was going 80mph, he couldn’t breathe, he staggered a little before his mind finally stopped on Dawn’s face. Her beautiful trusting adoring face. He broke down in tears. He knew Mark was right.  
“Oh, Mark –” he started, the tears falling freely as his despair set in, “I don’t know anymore – I don’t know myself, I don’t know how, but it just happened…I just couldn’t help myself…I couldn’t stop it!” He didn’t even recognise his own voice, his own self…’who was he?! what had he done?!’ - questions that consumed his thoughts.

Mark’s anger began to fade a little upon seeing the obvious anguish the situation caused Gary, he didn’t expect Gary to break down so quickly, he had been hoping he was wrong that Gary would keep denying it all but he hadn’t and now Mark had no idea what to do. He walked over to Gary, placing a comforting arm around his shoulders, and spoke from the heart, “I know mate, I know how that feels but…well, it’s done now, you just have to find a way to end it NOW, and I mean completely end it, because you are not THAT guy Gary, I’ve been that guy, Howard’s been that guy but YOU are not that guy – you don’t cheat!”

Gary shook his head, Mark had always looked up to him, he knew that, because he was always strong, honest, loyal, and dependable….but now he felt like none of those things. He’d changed, he was THAT guy Mark spoke of; he’d given in, he’d cheated, he’d already been lying, and he knew he had to stop it, he knew Mark was right, except…  
“I can’t Mark”, Gary said weakly, “you don’t understand, I need him”. His voice dripping with misery and desperation.  
Mark set his mouth in a firm expression, this was not the Gary Barlow he knew, “No Gaz, you think you need him, but it’s just lust Gaz, it’s the lust you crave, not him - it’s not real, it can’t be!” he reasoned. But Gary’s eyes immediately changed, meeting him in a hard stare, “Why not Mark? What, because we’re the same sex?! It can’t be anything else, is that it?!” ill-directed anger rising in his voice.  
“Of course not, that’s not it at all! You know me better than that Gary.” Mark, spoke reasonably, trying to keep his voice levelled, “I MEAN, because it’s you and Robbie. Yes, there’s always been the chemistry and tension between you, and of course he’s always felt something for you, we all know that, I mean how many times he’s tried it on with you, loads, hasn’t he?!” he continued, “but you know what he’s like, he’s sex-mad and any excuse to be alone with you and, well, it’s become a bit of a running joke, really – ” Mark immediately realised he’d made a mistake with that last part, but the look Gary gave him, “It’s not a joke Mark!” he barked.  
“Bad choice of words, but you know what I mean Gaz, I just don’t understand how YOU could suddenly –” he paused surveying the broken man before him, “….unless, maybe – I mean you’ve been out here spending a lot of time with him, just him, enough time to let him get in your head…yeah that’s it, I mean he’s always been good at seduction, and so ok maybe it was inevitable you’d give in eventually but it means nothing, so just stop it now, ok?”  
“You don’t understand Ma –“  
“No I don’t Gaz – unless what you’re saying is this has actually been going on for ages, and that’s the reason why you’ve been out here all this time!” Mark questioned, his eyes flared, glaring into Gary’s desperately troubled ones. “No it’s not, it’s not like that, I promise you!” Gary argued, his tone defensive and hopefully convincing.  
“But it would make sense, I mean the guy shot your ear off and yet you’re on the next plane over here, exactly how long has this been going on?!” Marks voice was getting higher and louder as struggled to process the situation.  
“You’ve got it wrong, it may’ve been building up to it, but we’ve only been sleeping together since just before you guys got here, I swear!”  
“So you are sleeping with him then! – You’ve actually had sex with him?! Fuck sake Gaz! How could you do this to Dawn?!” Mark’s anger was still flaring, yet it was also masking another emotion – was it disbelief, disappointment, hurt? Or maybe, Gary concluded, it was all three. Gary suddenly felt miserable and disgusted with himself. He dropped his head, as he squeaked a pitiful, “I know, I know…” He had no excuses. He’d been hiding from this, so he didn’t have to feel it too much and now Mark had brought it all to the surface.

“Do you want to leave Dawn, for Robbie?” Mark’s question so matter-of-fact yet tentative, as if he was sincerely unsure of how Gary would reply. But Gary didn’t need to think about it.  
“Nooooo, Dawn is my life!” Gary desperately implored.  
“Then what do you want Gaz?!” Mark gently asked, walking closer to the cowering man. He had never in his life seen Gary this way, and he didn’t like it, it wasn’t the Gary Barlow he knew. “What do you honestly think is going to happen here?” he continued, “what’s going to become of all this, where do you think this will lead?”  
Garys hunched form made no move to reply, not even a murmur.  
“Well?!” Mark demanded with little feeling.

Gary sighed deeply, he still couldn’t bring himself to lift his head and meet Mark’s disappointed face “…to nowhere but hurt. I know Mark. I do know! I just…you don’t get it…I know it’s wrong and I don’t want to cheat but I just –I can’t help myself, I need him, I want him, and I can’t be without him.  
‘Hmmm’, Mark thought to himself, something was suddenly sounding familiar to him, it was suddenly striking an accord. “Sounds familiar” he simply commented.  
“What do you mean?!” Gary asked, finally lifting his head to look ta Mark.  
Mark choose to ignore Gary’s red puffy eyes, he wasn’t going to feel sympathy for the man just yet, “Sounds a bit like my relationship with alcohol, if I’m honest Gaz”.  
“Wait - you’re comparing me to alcohol?!” Gary scowled at him.  
“No, just hear me out ok; you want Robbie, I want alcohol, you need Robbie, I need alcohol. You think you can’t do without Rob, and I felt like that with alcohol - yet here I am! There’s hardly a day that goes by where I don’t think to myself that I could do with a drink but I know I can’t because I’m addicted to it, and if I have one, I won’t be able to stop, which is why I can’t touch it at all, because I’m addicted to it.”  
“I don’t get your point Mark”.  
“Of course you don’t Gaz, because you’re not the addictive type, but Robbie is. He’s addicted to you, he can’t help himself, he wanted more and more. But I bet you just wanted to help him, because you’re you of course, but you likely didn’t realise where that ‘help’ would lead, what that ‘help’ would entail…”  
“No, he didn’t make me do this Mark, he didn’t force this!” Gary interrupted as confusion flooded his brain.  
“I’m not saying that Gaz, all I’m saying is addicts know what they want and are incredibly adept at getting it, and more than that we like to have company. He’s addicted to you, he’s been obsessed with you in the past, and it was never really, truly dealt with. He’s harboured desperate feelings for you for so long, and all we’ve all ever done is ignore it and hope it’d go away, it was just a running-joke to us, a chance for us to give you a ribbing, and besides he got married so we all figured that was an end to it. I should’ve realised, with Ayda leaving him, there was a chance…we should’ve never have let you come here alone! I mean, now look at you! He’s made you just as addicted as he is!” Mark had begun pacing the room, and Gary (his eyes still swimming with tears) was struggling to keep up with the shorter man’s movements, his brain no longer making any sense of Mark’s words. He wasn’t addicted to Robbie.  
“It’s not some cheap addiction Mark, its feelings - I have feelings for him too!” He argued.  
“…Maybe he planned it, I dunno” Mark continued either unconcerned with Gary’s retort, or choosing not to hear it “or maybe it just happened, but no Gaz – you are addicted, you both are!”  
Gary shook his head, he didn’t believe Mark to be right, he knew what he felt was real, was tangible, and certainly was not just the worthless thing Mark was trying to make it out to be.  
“Fine, don’t believe me, but no matter Gaz – the bottom line is, it’s got to stop! You can’t do this to Dawn, or the kids, or to yourself. You don’t want to keep going down the addict’s path, believe me”.  
“I’m not an addict Mark!”  
Mark ignored him, “You have got to end it, you have to end it now…please Gary! Or it will destroy the band, your family, your life!”

Gary looked deep into Mark’s beseeching eyes, Mark was pleading with him, out of love and fear for him, and he could see that. He sat in silence for a while, but slowly it began to make sense to him, Mark was right. He did need to stop before he hurt everyone he cared about, everyone he had promised to always protect…he just has no idea how to do it.  
Mark could always read Gary’s face, like it was an open book to him. Not many could he knew, but he could and that was all he needed right now. Gary stayed silent and downcast, but Mark knew he’d got through at last, “It’s ok Gaz, I’ll help you explain it to Robbie” he simply offered after a little while.  
Gary looked up at that, and shook his head sternly, “No, I need to do it, it will hurt him enough as it is, I think it’s best he doesn’t know you guys know anything about it, he won’t react well to that”.  
“I’m not gonna tell anyone else Gaz, so you don’t have to worry about that” Mark said a little defensively, of course he wasn’t going to say anything.  
“Thanks Mark. For what it’s worth, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to make this your problem too”, Gary’s face and voice was calmer, finally resolute. He knew it had to end.  
“Don’t worry about, just…make sure you sort it ok? End it with Robbie”.

Gary responded with a simply nod, he knew Mark was right but just thinking about ending it with Robbie felt so wrong. As he contemplated what he’d say and what Robbie’s reaction would be, a strong feeling of sickness settled deep in his soul, and he immediately knew it was there to stay, ”What about the album? This could ruin everything Markie!”  
“Somethings are more important” Mark calmly replied, smoke-screening his own concerns, “the band will be fine ok, but end it before we go back to London, don’t leave it until we’re promoting, otherwise I don’t know”.  
Gary nodded in reply.  
“You promise?!” Mark sternly asked.  
“OK Mark, I will do it! …You’re right, of course you’re right, I know I need to end it, and I said I will, and so I will ok?” He tautly retorted. The tense sick feeling coupled with fear and pressure was making Gary feel defensive. He didn’t mean to be angry at Mark, he knew Mark only wanted the best for him, and he knew Mark was right, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.  
Mark seemed to ignore the Gary’s curtness as a sad smile appeared on his face, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes, “Good” he eventually said, then after a pause he timidly added, “Until then, I think its best you’re not left alone with him, ok?” Mark reddened as Gary’s brows furrowed, “I don’t mean – I mean, I trust you won’t- …it’s just, it’s for the best Gaz, ok? Besides it’ll give you space, you know, to think about what you’ll say to him, and when to say it…as I don’t think it should be tonight, in any case”.  
Gary sighed, and nodded dejectedly, “Yeah...ok”.

 

They left shortly after that to join the others at the clinic before descending on Robbie’s place. Neither Gary nor Robbie had been back there since that fateful night of the shooting which made Gary feel somewhat weird. He thought back to Ayda’s call that night, how it had changed everything, and how everything would likely be different right now if she hadn’t made that call. He honestly wasn’t sure how he felt about that; in some ways he wished she hadn’t but in other ways he wished he hadn’t wasted so much time before figuring out how he felt about Robbie, they could’ve had so much time together. He knew it had to end now, now that Mark knew there was no other option, and watching Robbie be so happy with the other lads was killing him. ‘What if this changes things?’ he quietly thought to himself later that night, as he tightly held on to an undrunk cooled cup of tea in his hand. He sighed before mentally scolding himself, ‘Of course it will! It’s going to change everything!’  
He felt miserable.

Take-out and TV was a killer combination, by 11.30pm the lads were all sprawled out on the sofas, snoozing away. Rob woke up and told them to use the spare rooms and get some proper sleep; Howard and Jason went first while Gary went back to sleep where he was, stubbornly refusing to budge, after all he liked his sleep. Mark said he would get Gary to bed, leaving Robbie with no choice but to go up to bed. He was desperate to get Gary alone, he wasn’t used to sleeping without him now. If he could just kiss him goodnight, at least – but Mark was weirdly adamant and so Robbie reluctantly left Gary behind. 

It was past 2.30am when Robbie went creeping around to guess which room Gary was in, by the snoring alone he deduced which was Howards and he was sure Jason would’ve taken the East wing room so he could watch the sun rise. He slowly creaked open the doors of the remaining spare rooms, peeping inside until he found what he was looking for. Gary was soundly sleeping on the bed, while quite peculiarly, Mark was in the same room, curled up on a small sofa by the window. Why Mark was sleeping in here when there was a perfectly good room down the hall was confusing but Robbie couldn’t think much about that now as he made up his mind and furtively crept over to Gary’s beside, keeping his eyes squarely on Mark. He paused when he saw Mark shift a little in his sleep, but safely made it over to his lover. He stroked Gary’s face gently until he stirred enough to awake, and quickly quietened his startled eyes, pointing over to Mark, “Come to my room” he whispered with a seductive daring glint in his eyes.  
“Are you crazy?! I can’t do that!” Gary returned in hurried whisper, his eyes widening incredulously.  
“Course you can!” Robbie countered defiantly, his cheeky grin still growing.  
“And if Mark wakes up?” Gary questioned.  
“Oh, I dunno, just say you got up really early or something, it’ll be fine”  
Every inch of Gary’s body wanted to do just as Robbie said, he made it sound so easy – just get out of bed, follow Rob into his bedroom and make love just as they had every night for the last week and a half. But even as he felt Robbie’s horny eyes pulling him away, in his mind where sense prevailed, he knew he couldn’t. “I can’t Rob, I’m sorry I just can’t…” he whispered miserably.  
Robbie gently huffed, “But Gaz, I need you –“ in his desperation, he spoke louder than he intended causing Mark to stir in his sleep once more, “…I mean” he continued more quietly, “I’ve missed you today, I just want to spend some time with you, I need some time with you , please Gaz”.  
Gary looked into Robbie’s puppy dog eyes, it was a look that usually didn’t fail in getting what he wanted, but Gary could only look at him with sadness in his own, as he shook his head once more,  
“I can’t Rob, I’m sorry, it’s just too risky. We’ll meet up later, I promise.” He spoke gently. He didn’t want to upset or disappoint Robbie, but then again at some point he was about to do both those things and so much worse…  
“Fine!” Robbie huffed, sulkily pouting his lips, before he slinked back out, leaving Gary alone. Gary sat up a little to check if Mark was still asleep,  
“Well done Gaz, I know it’s hard but you’re doing the right thing.” Mark suddenly spoke in a clear, alert voice from across the darkness of the room.  
Gary slipped back down underneath the bed covers, his mind thinking a thousand thoughts a minute, he should’ve known Mark was awake the whole time, Mark had always been a light sleeper.  
Finally a sigh escaped as he starred up at the ceiling, “It’s not easy Mark, this is not easy at all…”  
“Doing what’s right, hardly ever is easy Gaz, but it will be ok”.  
Gary honestly couldn’t see how, he pulled a pillow over his face and gently moaned into its soft contents, with hopelessness, “Oh Mark, what am I gonna do?! – this is a complete mess…I’ve made this into a complete mess!”  
Mark hummed his agreement, “But we’ll sort it, so don’t worry, everything will be ok you just need to stay strong, and talk to him like I said”.  
Gary shook his head, not that Mark would see that, given the darkness of the room, “He won’t want to hear it Mark, he won’t want that talk”.  
“Well”, Mark softly offered, “you’ll have to get it through to him, there’s no other choice – and as you said earlier, you’re going to talk to him later anyway…but Gaz –“  
“Yeah?”  
“No more sex, Gaz”, Mark said, before he turned over and fell back asleep.

Gary couldn’t help a small smile at that despite himself, he knew he shouldn’t but deep down he couldn’t see that ‘no sex’ part happening, because he simply needed to be with Robbie again, and knew Robbie would too. He would talk to Robbie, but he needed to be with him one last time, before he broke his heart. He laid there awake on the bed, long after he heard Mark soft peaceful snores begin once more. He couldn’t sleep anymore, not with what was weighing on his mind.  
A floor above him in the master bedroom, Robbie wasn’t asleep either.

************************************************************************************

Breakfast was a fun affair for three at the table; Robbie and Howard were having a laugh sneakily putting a spoonful of Marmite into Jason’s herbal tea and waiting for the effect. A coughing and spluttering Jason then retaliated by putting orange juice in Howard’s cereal when his head was turned. Mark and Gary, however, were eating breakfast in contemplative silence, Gary was busy thinking about his impending conversation with Robbie, and Mark was quietly watching the fun whilst also shooting Gary meaningful furtive glances, every now and again.

After a while, Gary couldn’t take any more of the pretence, he felt sick to his stomach. For the first time in a long time, he really didn’t want to see Robbie, because he knew what he’d have to say to him when he did. He’d made the promise to Mark, and after all Mark was right, Gary knew he was….wasn’t he?

Unfortunately for Gary, Robbie was incredibly enthusiastic about spending time with him and sought him out after breakfast, just as Gary was stepping out of the shower. Gary would’ve freaked out about how easily they could be caught but considering he just heard Jason drag Howard on a morning walk and Mark already knew about them, there wasn’t much to freak out about. Robbie launched himself onto Gary’s unmade bed and rolled on to his side, learning on one arm looking at Gary with that playful glint in his eyes that made Gary’s heart bleed inside. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t break Robbie’s heart, not after everything they’d been through, the rehab, the shooting, Ayda leaving him. Robbie surely couldn’t take such a blow so soon after leaving rehab. He’d have to explain to Mark later, that was all. He’d keep his promise to Mark of no sex, but stall the chat until he knew Robbie was strong enough. Gary closed the bedroom door as he made his way over to the bed and quickly joined Robbie on it. His only dilemma now was, whether or not he should tell Robbie that Mark knew about them…well that, and how to stop Robbie from instigating any more sex.  
“So, Mr Barlow – when are we going to get this private time you promised me?” he smiled as he spoke, content and cheerful, which just served to make Gary’s insides crumble all the more. He loved Robbie smiling.  
He loved being the reason for Robbie’s smiles, he loved everything about Robbie.  
He loved him.  
He was in love with him. 

That realisation hit him so unexpectedly he nearly fell of the bed, he was in love with Robbie Williams, in love with a man, in love with two people.  
He was in big trouble. 

“Gaz – the private time?!” Robbie repeated, waving a hand in front of Gary’s staring green eyes, trying to interrupt his thoughts.  
“I…eh…yeah, later Rob, the lads are still here, aren’t they?” was Gary’s weak reply, he was no good at this.  
“Fuck sake Barlow, it’s always bloody ‘later’ with you –” Robbie started to scramble off the bed, playfully pretending to be in mood with him “well”, he continued as he climbed over Gary’s body before heading towards the door, “don’t wait too long Mr B, I might think you’re going off me” he finished with a wink before opening the door, and leaving without another word. Gary dropped his head back on to the pillow, he could still hear Robbie’s feet padding along the wooden floor of the hallway. His mind was working overtime, trying to figure out how he’d got himself into this mess and where to go from here without trying to hurt anyone. He stayed that way for over an hour, and still was no closer to a resolution. He wasn’t sure when but at some point he must’ve put the pillow over his face again because when he lifted it back off he was suddenly greeted by a small face set in a slight frown.  
“You know frowning doesn’t suit you Marko” he said rather humourlessly, without looking Mark in the eyes, he wasn’t in the mood for another of Mark’s lecture.  
“It’s not a frown, it’s concern – I’m worried about you Gaz, and considering Robbie’s downstairs setting up the FIFA 16, I assume you’ve not spoken to him yet?”  
Gary sat up on the bed, “It’s not like I’ve had much of a chance Markie, but honestly I’m not –“  
“Well, actually I’ve been thinking”, Mark interrupted, “I’m not completely sure it’s a good thing to do this to him right now, I mean the guy’s just got out of rehab, it could set him back”  
Gary breathed a sigh of relief, he was so thankful for Mark Owen, “I was thinking the same and hoping you’d agree. I’m coming back with you in a couple of days anyway, so it’s not as if we’re be together anymore, I just can’t end it then leave him here to face it alone, I can’t do that Mark”.  
“And I’m not asking you to, but what are you going to do when you get back? Just carry on pretending everything is ok, that’s quite a burden to carry Gaz”  
“What’s the alternative?! I don’t want to hurt anyone Mark, I can’t!”  
“Ok mate, just remember I’m here for you, I know I was angry with you yesterday, but now I’ve had time to think about it, and well, it was inevitable this was going to happen at some point given your history…but I just don’t want the situation ruining your life-” Mark took Gary’s hand in his, squeezing it comfortingly before adding, “I don’t want you to get hurt either”.

Gary smiled tentatively, a smile Mark gently returned, before the smaller man draped his remaining free arm around Gary’s shoulders, and proceeded to both pull and lean into him at the same time so that their shoulders playfully knocked against each other, it was just something they always did.  
“But Gary”, he continued with a glint in his eye, “even if you’re not breaking up with him yet, that still doesn’t mean you can sleep with him, seriously – no more cheating; and absolutely no more sex with Robbie, ok?” Gary had to chuckle a little at that in spite of himself, and so did Mark, that was right up until two strained words were suddenly spoken, two words that neither of them owned, and came with such abrupt surprise that it stilled them instantly:  
“Excuse me?” 

Gary’s heart froze as he turned towards the door way to face the owner of that familiar voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay - next chapter will be the last in this story, with an epilogue (no idea why I keep writing 'prologue'.


	12. Part 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who was it exactly that walked in on Gary & Mark's cosy conversation, I wonder?!

With Gary’s lips momentarily as still as his heart, it was up to Mark to break the silence. “Sorry, mate we didn’t see you there, we were just mucking around, don’t worry about it”, he winked trying to relax the sudden and very obvious tension steadily rising in the room. Mark had no idea how long the additional figure had been standing there and what he had actually heard, but he hoped for Gary’s sake it wasn’t their whole conversation.  
“That’s funny” said the tall figure still fixed in the door way, “because Gaz doesn’t look like he’s joking or ‘mucking’ around, in fact his face right now suggests otherwise…what the fuck is going on Gaz?! What exactly did Mark mean?!”  
Mark closed his mouth and looked at Gary who was still evidently frozen from speech. Mark didn’t know what to do and what to say, but since Gary was making no progress in speaking, he thought he best try to defuse the situation as best he could, “I…I meant…I…we –”, he looked between the two, and then sighed exhaustedly, enough was enough.   
“Look…I know ok, I know about you and Gaz, Rob”.   
Gary’s head sprung to face Mark, his eyes wide and his jaw open. Mark inwardly winced, he knew this was exactly not what Gary wanted, but he couldn’t help that now, things had forced both their hands.   
“And before you ask, No, Gary didn’t tell me, I got it out of him after I saw you both together, ok, so don’t think he betrayed you on that!”  
Mark was watching Robbie carefully, who in-turn didn’t take his eyes off of Gary for a second. For a moment, Mark wasn’t even entirely sure Robbie had even paid his words any attention, since he bore no reaction to them. That was until he saw Robbie’s eyes suddenly flash in anger.   
“How could you?!” Robbie vehemently spat in Gary’s direction.  
“Rob…wait…look…I –”   
“You were going to break up with me, weren’t you?!”  
(‘shit’, Mark and Gary simultaneously thought, he had heard it all)  
“Y…you were gonna break it off,” Rob continued barely containing he’s emotions, “then just leave to go back to your cosy family, weren’t you? You fucking arse hole!”  
Gary’s eyes grew sad, “Rob, please, you don’t understand –”  
“Rob, he didn’t want to” Mark interjected, trying to sedate the situation, “I was making him, I said he needed to!”  
“Is that true?”  
“Yes, Rob but –“

“And what, you’re oh so perfect Mark huh? So perfect, that you think you have the right to interfere in Gaz and mine’s relationship, and get in his head like this?!” he interrogated.   
“Excuse me?!” Mark was beginning to take offence, which wasn’t an easy task.  
“Rob, please! Mark was just trying to help, he could see how much pain I was in because of this, and I am Rob, I don’t want to end this but I need to, for my family, I need to, don’t you understand?!”  
“No, what I understand is, you’re a coward! You just want to take the easy route out as per usual - you've had a go, had some fun and now you're just looking for the ‘ignore it and it’ll go away’ card to play again! So fucking typical Barlow! But I’ve got news for you, that’s not going to work this time, not now - we’ve gone too far this time!”  
“Don’t you think I get that?! I know that Rob, but Rob I have to try, I can’t risk my family, I can’t –”  
“Your family, or your career?”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”  
“That’s what this is really about isn’t it? And that’s why Mark’s sticking his oar in because he’s worried about the precious fucking Band!”  
“Rob, how you can even say that!” Mark’s voice barely concealing the hurt.  
“I can say it very easily Mark, actually, very easily” Rob continued unforgivingly.  
Gary furrowed his eyebrows, that wasn’t fair of Robbie, Mark had just been trying to help them,  
“Don’t be ridiculous Rob –”  
“Ridiculous?! Don’t you dare! AND don’t you patronize me by making out that this is just about Dawn and the kids! And I know what’s most important to Mark!”  
“Well, then you clearly don’t know me at all, because the only thing I’m concerned about in all this is Gary AND you! Both of you! And for you to think otherwise, is just so –”  
“Ok, Mark…”  
“No, Gary, I’m just telling him –”  
“I know Mark, but it’s ok, I think its best me and Robbie talk about this alone, now”, Gary said steadily, needing to calm the situation and knowing he needed to speak to Robbie sensibly, but more importantly, alone. Unfortunately Mark had other ideas.  
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea”, Mark said coolly, casting an unassured glance at Robbie’s somewhat aggressive stance. Robbie noticed the look.  
“What? You think I’m going to undo your work and convince him to stay here with me? …or do you think I’m going to beat him into staying with me?!”  
“NO of course not! …I…I just think things are getting heated, and we need to calm down s’all” Mark meekly suggested.  
“Stop looking at me like that then!” Robbie flared.  
Mark pursed his lips but softened his gaze.  
“Mark…”  
“No, Gaz, for now I’m staying, you won’t budge me on this. We first need to talk this out together”.  
“Fine” Gary huffs resignedly, as he rubs his temples, “but we don’t need a babysitter Mark, nothing’s going to happen, so I don’t see –”  
“Of course, YOU wouldn’t see the necessity, but I know you both – and that’s why I’m staying.”

Robbie moved out of the doorway and closed the door, seemingly accepting, albeit grudgingly that Mark had firmly involved himself in his business. He was struggling with a storm inside him, awash with emotions; incredibly distraught and terrified of losing Gary, and confused how this has all happened so soon after waking up so happy this morning. AND he was angry, so angry he could barely hide it, angry at the sudden change of heart Gary had evidently had, bitter at the fact Gary & Mark had obviously been working together on this. Deciding this. It’s his life, yet they’d seemingly took it upon themselves to decide this. Yes, he was angry, but more than that, he was hurt. Hurt by those he loved, hurt by the one he loved the most. 

“Rob,” Gary unexpectedly began after considering his words carefully, “I didn’t set out to do this, I didn’t set out to mess you around –”  
“No”, Rob lazily interrupted, “you just set out to mess around WITH me, have your fun then leave to go back to marital bless, yeah?”  
“Rob, please don’t...You know me, you know that’s not true!”  
“Well, evidently, I don’t know you as much as I thought! He paused, raking a hand through his hair, “….this isn’t fair Gaz, you can’t be with me and make me depend on your love and affection, to just, just dump me like this! It’s not fair Gaz!”  
“I know, it’s not but Rob, I need to go back to my family, I don’t want to do this to you, you have to believe me –”  
“Yeah, right!”  
“What, you think I don’t feel how much this is hurting you?! I know, Rob, because it’s hurting me too!”  
“Gary please, I’m not even sure you’re capable of deep feelings…your lyrics certainly aren’t, they never have!”  
A dagger in his heart, Gary knew Robbie was just trying to hurt him, and he knew he should shrug it off show Rob his hurtful words hadn't got to him, but he couldn’t, he couldn't help recoiling away, because that remark really did hurt.   
“Oh my god Rob! Just stop it!” Mark cut in suddenly, the heat rising in his voice, and cheeks.  
“Why, the truth hurts?!” Robbie snapped back.  
Gary couldn’t bring himself to step in. He knew he loved Robbie, but the bitter and infantile Robbie he was now seeing was unrecognisable to him. He needed to get HIS Robbie back. He dropped his gaze even lower, as a sickening feeling settled in his stomach, ‘where had all this gone so wrong’ he thought.

“I love how you’re taking his side with all this Mark, when actually you have no clue - I’m the one that’s been messed around here, he can just go swanning back to his family – but me, what have I got huh?!”  
“Don’t you dare act like the ‘hard-done-by’ here,” Mark countered, “and don’t you dare tell me you didn’t seduce Gary into this mess to begin with!”  
Rob fixed his eyes hard on Mark, but Mark simply shook his head.   
Mark wiggled a finger at Robbie, “Oh yes, I know you alrigh’, we all do. Christ, you even shot off the guy’s ear, and he forgave you, so did his wife, we all did, yet here you are trying to make out like we’ve plotted to destroy your life, when this is simply the repercussions of your own actions Rob, you wanted Gary, like you’ve always wanted him, and somehow you got what you wanted, you probably planned it from the moment he first stepped into your room at that rehab clinic, but whatever, you got our way, yet surely you can’t have thought it’d be that easy, he couldn’t just stay here with you!”   
“You think I don’t know that! Fuck sake Mark, I’m not an idiot! I know THAT!” Robbie’s voice was beginning to break, but Mark continued, “He needs to go home Rob, and that’s all there is to it, you are not going to ruin his marriage too!”

Gary was taken aback by Mark’s words, it was so unlike Mark, he was usually so gentile. Robbie was taken aback too, and obviously hurt by the smaller man’s words, yet there was another emotion now surfacing on Robbie’s face, was it guilt?! Gary wasn’t sure, but he hated seeing Robbie so sad, he looked like in that moment he felt like he was truly alone in the world. Gary just wanted to grab him, hold him to him and tell him he wasn’t leaving him, that he’d stay with him forever, that he’d never be lonely for the rest of his life…

Except he couldn’t. 

But he could at least talk to him about it, help him to understand.  
“Mark, that’s enough” Gary gently said, quite redundantly since no one had spoken for a good minute and a half.   
“But Gaz –”  
“No, I get it Mark, I really do, it’s ok but I need to talk to Robbie alone now. Trust me, please let me talk to him, we need this”.

Mark looked questioningly between his two friends, but grudgingly conceded, “Very well, I’ll leave you both to it, but I’ll be just downstairs” he squeezed Gary’s shoulder reassuringly as he passed the older man, before pausing at the door and turning to look at Robbie, his small cherub face etched with guilt of his own, “Look Rob, I didn’t mean to be so harsh, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I just want you to…I want you both to…just…just to be ok, but it can’t be the way you want it, I’m sorry it just can’t” he said gently.  
Rob nodded his head curtly, “Mark, you’ve made your point mate,” the taller man responded in a cool detached voice, “I get your point, now just leave me and Gaz to it, please”.  
Mark nodded, and left.

As the door closed, Gary took two large strides across the room to reach Robbie, and tried to embrace him, but Robbie automatically shook him off, and not-so-carefully pushed him away.  
“Please Rob-“  
“No, Gaz, don’t you…! How could you do this to us?!”  
“Rob, I… I don’t want to do this to us, I really don’t but I don’t see any other way!”  
“Yeah right, I should’ve known – you were happy to fuck around, let me “seduce” you, as Mark put it, but what a fool I was to think you ACTUALLY cared!” Robbie scoffed, trying to fight off the lump quickly forming in his throat. It pained him to try swallowing past it. He was in deep pain, but he couldn’t…no, wouldn’t let Gary see that, he wouldn’t give him the satisfaction, he thought to himself.

“Rob, are you serious?! ’Actually care’?! Of course I fucking care!” Gary growled, he was so sick of Robbie misunderstanding him and undervaluing his feelings, “Every fucking time you go for the jugular, don’t you Rob – always making me out to be the cold, uncaring, unfeeling one! When if you knew, if you really knew –”   
“Knew what?! Nothing! There’s nothing else to know is there? So don’t bother trying to make out this was anything more than fucking around where you’re concerned! A bit of middle-aged sexual experimentation, right?” Robbie spoke with a spiteful snarl, still refusing to believe Gary was being sincere. Robbie knew he was stuck on defensive-mode now, the words pouring out of him didn’t even make sense to him but it was the old familiar self-preservation route, and it was the only one he knew. It meant deflecting his pain into spiteful bitterness and bitchiness, but right now he was ok with that if it meant he could hurt Gary, as much as he was hurting.

Gary could feel hotness reaching into his face and belly, he was getting angry despite himself. Despite himself, because he could see through all that crap Robbie threw at him, he always could, but THIS time he wasn’t going to let it ruin them, this time THEY were going to be different. Even with hurt swimming in his eyes, and anger bubbling inside his veins, he still managed to shake his head at Robbie’s poor attempts at belittling him, and their relationship. He was sick of Robbie doing this, doing this to them, making everything so bloody difficult, ‘why did he always have to do this?’, he furiously thought to himself, if he was honest with himself, it really pissed him off, and was perhaps the part he liked least about Robbie.   
He cared so much for Robbie; he came to the US after Robbie shot off his ear, he came to that rehab room every night even after there was awkwardness, even after the security team put him on their “no entry” list, he came, and yet Robbie was still so blind, still so consumed with feeling sorry for himself. He didn’t want to do this, and couldn’t understand how Robbie, couldn’t see that. So yes, it pissed him off, he’d had enough of the self-wallowing and misdirected anger, yes! Gary Barlow had had enough of Robbie Williams’ shit! And as he watched Robbie’s lips curl into a deeper snarl that wordlessly dismissed Gary’s feelings and intent, he finally truly lost it, “Fuck sake!” he yelled, “Don’t you understand Rob – can’t you see?! Why do you do this every single fucking time?!”  
“Me, every time?!– Gaz you’re the one–”  
“And there you again, interrupting me, like you always do, with your ‘everyone feel sorry for me’ sequence, until you even start believing it yourself! Mark was right!”

Rob was stunned into silence.

“Well, I’ve had it,” Gary continued unabashed, “You hear that?! I’ve had it up to here with your shit! Acting all bitchy, being so hostile, in a vain attempt to push me away, to protect yourself! Every time Rob, every time! But you can’t keep doing this to me…to us! I fucking love you Rob, don’t you get that?!...I LOVE YOU!” 

They both looked at each other in silence, in shock. Those last three words ringing in their ears, their souls.

“Y...you…what?” Robbie eventually mumbled in a small stunned voice, barely believing his ears.

“I love you Robbie Williams….I…I’m in love with you, I know that now” he spoke more gently now, walking closer to Robbie, his face set in a serious, unsmiling expression. Robbie’s lip began to wobble as he tried to take in what was reality and what he must be dreaming, because he was pretty sure he’d just heard Gary Barlow utter the three most words beautiful words, said with the meaning he’d dreamt all his adult life of hearing. 

“Do you really mean it?!” he chanced, still not daring to quite believe it.  
“Of course I do you idiot! …I love you so much that you make me smile just thinking of your face, I wake up and I can’t wait to hear you voice, to feel your touch, to feel your kiss, I love you so much that every time I see you, you make feel like I’ve got a huge balloon filled with warm goo inside that just bursts the moment you look at me!”  
Robbie timidly giggled at that, “that sounds romantic!”   
“You know what I mean!” Gary smiled.

Robbie looked deep into Gary’s eyes and finally returned the smile. “I do” he responded, “but only because I’ve been feeling exactly like that ever since the day I met you!”  
“Oh Robbie, I’m so sorry, I know I’m being unfair to you, I know I’m letting you down again, but you have to know if there was any other way…”  
“Don’t Gaz, don’t ruin it – you’ve just told me you love me! Let me hold on to that for a moment, please”. His eyes welled up, tears slipped down his cheeks, and yet he cared not. Gary was in love with him, he really was, and he knew it to be gospel truth because he knew Gary Barlow did not use words like those so easily. He smiled, and watched as Gary came to him and fell into his arms. 

They clung to each other furiously, as if holding on for dear life, and soon their lips found each other and then they were kissing each other as if life depended on it.   
As the kissing continued and they began to grope each other’s bodies like each possessed the other, they knew where it was leading, and they knew what they wanted, what they both needed. As Robbie desperately began to paw at Gary’s tee shirt, wanting to tear it off his lover’s hot skin as soon as possible, Gary laughed into their messy kiss, and guided them back to the closed door, pushing Robbie against it with a hard kiss. He reached down to the door knob and turned the key in the lock beneath it; they were both very aware Mark was downstairs yet in that moment, they didn’t care. Gary just didn’t want to traumatise the poor guy by walking in and seeing what they were about to do.   
Robbie pushed his body against Gary’s wanting to feel every inch of it, and finally he freed the older man’s toned torso. With the top now off, he clawed his fingers down Gary’s back, causing a long deep groan to escape his lover; oh, how he loved that sound.

Mark was downstairs nursing a strong cup of tea, he heard the key turn and click, he heard the heavy footsteps, the movement of bodies slamming against doors, walls and finally on to a squeaky bed, and when he began to hear the moans and groans emerge, all he could do was roll his eyes at his poor attempt to prevent what he knew was inevitable once he had left them alone. He sighed as he poured the tea away down the sink, no longer able to stomach any food or drink at that moment, maybe ever again!   
Burying his head in his palms, and massaging his temples, he came to the only conclusion there was to make - that they were all in big trouble!


	13. Part 13 & Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What lies in store for Gary and Robbie once they are no longer in the same time zone? Where will their love affair lead them? Sometimes there are no real happy endings, but then sometimes there's no real ending at all.

After the sex, they took time to just cuddle and be content in each other’s company. They gently kissed and caressed each other, as if performing a ritual. Every lingering touch was meaningful, as if they were mapping and memorising each other’s bodies, and for a while they spoke very little, neither wanting to bring up the previous conversation, since they both knew they just wanted to cherish the moment before life got in the way again. 

Robbie was the first to make careful reference to their earlier rather heated conversation; he was leaning into Gary’s bare side, his head resting in the crook of his lover’s neck, while he idly played with one of Gary’s pert nipples; when he suddenly broke the silence, “I’m sorry about the dig I made at your lyrics earlier, I was completely out of line,”. His gentle voice was quiet and gentle, “and I was also completely lying!”.

Gary stayed silent.

“You know I love your songs to bits, I just also know that they are your Achilles heel, and a sure way to get to you and spark a reaction, I didn’t mean any of it, I was just angry”.

Gary was thoughtful for a moment, before finally he raised a smile, although it didn’t quite reach his eyes. His look stayed somewhat serious, as he pondered on Robbie’s words, before finally he spoke, “You know, I’m used to critics and internet trolls slating my music but not the man I love, it did hurt that, lad”, he finally admitted.  
“I know, believe me; I remember how your face fell after I said it, I instantly regretted it - just so you know. I do truly love them, so very much, I love all your songs”, Robbie sweetly added as he snuggled deeper still into Gary’s side, wrapping his tattooed arms around the older man’s slender waist.  
“…in fact I’d love it if you could sing one to me right now!” Robbie added with a coy smile.  
“Bugger off.” It was the only response Gary offered, but a hint of humour was obvious.  
“I’m serious Gaz, how about… _All I do each night is pray, hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday_ … - but then again maybe not the wisest choice, bit near to the knuckle that, right now–”  
“Rob…”  
But Rob just smiled and continued, he was having fun! _“All I do each night is think…of all the times, I close the door to keep my love within_ – seriously though Gaz... you’re not still keeping your love within, are you?” He was really having fun!  
“Rob, please pack it in!” he chuckled.  
“What does that even mean anyway, ‘to keep your love within’?”  
“I thought you weren’t going to make fun of my songs anymore!”  
“I’m not! I’m just saying I’m glad you don’t just keep your love within, s’all!” he softly chuckled.  
“Well, ok, and you’re welcome…I think”. Gary still wasn't entirely convinced Robbie wasn't making fun of him.

There was another quiet but a comfortable one, in which the lads still continued to hold on to each other, wrapped in one another’s arms, until Robbie’s mouth curled back into a smile once more:  
_“Put your head against my life, what do you hear?”_  
“Stop it Rob, already!”  
_“A Million words trying to make the love song of the year…”_  
“Rob, I seriously mean it now!”  
_“Close your eyes but don't forget, what you have heard…”_  
“Right that’s it Williams, don’t say I didn’t warn you!” Gary playfully roared before he proceeded to furiously tickle and pinch Robbie in his ribs, under his arms and just above his love handles too; which all left Robbie in a uncontrollably, giggling mess, fighting for breath and a reprieve from the hysterical torture.  
“Ok…o-k…ok Ga-az, p…please I can’t ta- … I give in! Stop, I beg y –!”  
Gary immediately stopped, “Learnt your lesson I hope, lad!”  
Robbie looked up into Gary’s eyes and nodded, just before his most mischievous grin reappeared, _“A man who's trying to say three words, the words that make me scared_ –“  
Gary rolled his eyes but smiled, shaking his head hopelessly, before he joined in with the chorus:  
_“A million love songs later, and here I am trying to tell you that I care –“ (Robbie then stopped and continued to listen to Gary sing the rest of the line) “A million love songs later…and here I am!”_

“I am here, Robbie”.  
Robbie bursts out with laughter, “that’s too much soppiness, even for me, this better be the soppiest we get Barlow!”  
Gary barked a real glorious laugh, “what do you think?! We write love songs for a living, for goodness sake!”  
“Good point – oh well!” he added with a wink.  
After another small pause, Robbie’s demeanour changed a little as he curled back up next to Gary’s toned torso and whispered, ”Gaz, I am really sorry.” A short silence followed, before Gary answered him.  
“I know you are...it’s ok…I REALLY do love you, Robbie”.  
“I know Gaz, I love you too”. They both smiled and snuggled deeper into each other’s embrace.

Then Robbie got an idea, “You know, I think I still do need to make it up to you though!”  
“I think I agree with you on that, lad”.  
“So how can I make it up to you Mr Barlow?”  
“Hmm…let me think” Gary winked and raised his eye brows, while not-so subtly directing his gaze down past his own midriff. Robbie followed his gaze, before "cottoning on" to the meaning (like it wasn’t his own idea in the first place!) and playfully rolled his eyes. But the large smile that quickly formed, betrayed his acting skills. He quickly slipped his head under the bed covers and smoothly slinked down Gary’s toned body, soon finding exactly what he was looking for!  
Above the covers, Gary settled further into the pillows, making himself more comfortable except Robbie chose that moment to suddenly take him by surprise with a pair of soft moist lips, which unceremoniously engulfed his member.  
The sensation was immediate and intense.  
Robbie plunged his mouth over the head of Gary’s hardened girth, and took him in as much as he could until he felt the stiff cock press hard against his gag reflex. He sucked him, hard, relentlessly; and Gary was quickly awash with emotion, rapidly and ceaselessly, until he couldn’t take much more – 

But suddenly the warm mouth was gone, the soft moist lips were gone, and nothing but the Egyptian cotton duvet cover was left touching the head of Gary’s hard cock. His confusion reached new heights still, when Robbie suddenly scrambled up his body, and poked his head out from beneath the sheets, sporting a strangely horrified expression…  
“Oh fuck!” he yelped!  
“Whaat?!” Gary cried out, somewhat panicked now, and imagining the worst!  
“Mark! – I forgot he was downstairs!”  
Gary’s eyes momentarily dilated like saucers, but then he sighed and strangely relaxed, “Yeah poor chap, I hope we haven’t traumatised him too much!”, and that was all he said on the matter.  
Robbie simply nodded his agreement, before he slipped his head back underneath the covers, and returned to pleasure his lover, much to Gary’s enjoyment.

************************************************************************************************************************************

 

“What will happen to us Rob? - What are we going to do?” Gary finally asked, carefully.  
It was early afternoon, they’d been in bed together for nearly two hours but a short while ago they had heard downstairs, Howard and Jason finally return from their extended walk; and so after some frantic scrambling to collect their various clothing garments, they furiously got dressed and started making the bed.  
Silence was the only response, Robbie offered no other answer. 

Gary looked over the neatly made bed, little would someone be able to suspect what had been going on inside those sheets only moments ago. The thought brought a small instant mischievous smile to his face, but only lasted a short well, as the weight of their current predicament soon returned to mind. He sighed deeply as he sat on the end of the bed and grabbed Robbie’s hands, to stop him moving away from him. He held them firmly in his own and waited for Robbie to look at him, “Rob, I know you don’t want to think about it yet, but –”  
“We’re going to do nothing, Gaz.” Robbie suddenly said - simply, casually, almost mechanically. “We have one more night together and then you’re going to go home Gaz, back to your family, back to your wife - and that will be that.”  
Gary nodded sheepishly, “but what will you do?” he quietly inquired.  
“Me? I’ve got to get meself sorted and get my family back, in any capacity possible.” Gary could feel the tension in Robbie’s voice, it felt like he was suddenly being standoffish, like he was distancing himself, already.  
“So… what, we just go back to our lives before all this, and pretend like it never happened?” Gary was confused, he thought Robbie would put up more of a fight.  
Rob swiftly removed his hands from Gary’s, and narrowed his eyes at the older man, before a wry smile formed at his lips, “Who said anything about doing that? There’s no pretending now. We love each other, no one can take that away. They can try…and no doubt you will try too Gaz, but I know your feelings, and that's all that matters. We'll still be together!” "...and besides", Robbie continued with a smile, as he slowly knelt in front of Gary - “I know your weaknesses" (he gently spread Gary’s legs) “I know what you like” (he placed his hands on his thighs) “and I know what turns you on”, he breathily said in his best seductively low voice, as he rubbed his hands slowly and sensually up and down Gary’s thighs. Gary's face flushed as he swallowed hard.

Robbie seemed pleased with the instant effect his mere touch had on Gary (basically turning him into a hot, flustered, aroused mess) but then abruptly he removed his hands and stood back up again - “so there’s no getting away from it now - you couldn’t resist me, no more than I could ever resist you! And besides, did you forget me coming over for the album promo in a couple of months? Try staying away from me then Mister!” Robbie said with a cunning wink.

But it left Gary frowning with confusion.  
“But we can’t, if we got seen…if we get caught!”  
“Wait, are you telling me you’d honestly be able to keep your hands off me all that time Mr Barlow...What? Not even a small kiss?" His eyebrows raised and smile grew. “I…well…I mean…but we can’t Rob!”  
“You won’t be able to stop yourself, neither of us will, we can’t help ourselves, don’t you see that yet, Gaz?! I mean look at us now! All the lads are downstairs right now wondering where the fuck we are and you’re sitting here in front of me with a semi!” Robbie playfully mocked. Gary blushed and quickly brought his legs together. “Nah, Babe don't be like that, I’m only teasing, but my point is Gaz, no matter how long or how far there is between us, we’ll always be drawn back together, so why stop it? - This is long haul now Gaz, long term, no matter what time passes, I know when we are together again we won’t be able to help ourselves - when we on our own, we won’t be able to stop tearing each other’s clothes off, and it’s not even just about the sex Gaz, it’s THIS, us, together, how it’s meant to be!" He paused, leaving a bewildered Gary on the bed to walk over to the window.

He paused with his back now turned to his lover, his smile now faded. "And that’s why this hurts, Gaz". He said after a time, "because you’re gonna leave me here, still not realising that, because you still don’t believe in _us_ , and that we can actually have something. You can keep your wife, your family, I don’t mean them any pain, I honestly don’t want you to jeopardise your marriage, and you have to trust me on that, but what I’m saying is you don’t need to lose anything, you just need to find time for _us_ too, is all!”  
Gary bowed his head, and stood up from the bed still sporting a bit of a semi, but his face grew sad as he slowly walked up behind his lover. “Oh, Rob – I wish it was that simple! God I wish it was so, but there’s no way we could carry on without it jeopardising everything we cherish!”  
“Yes we can, and we will", Robbie retorted in a levelled voice, "Like I said, you’ll go back to your family, I’ll try and win mine back - that’s what we do NOW but it won’t change us Gaz, we’ll continue, just in secret!”  
“But…”  
“No Gaz!" The levelled voice was gone as he suddenly spun around to face Gary, and grabbed his arms, "Why can’t you understand, we need each other, and will need each other again, and again!”. “Rob, it’s just not possible, I wish it was but we’ll be found out and then all hell will break loose!”  
“Oh for pity’s sake!", the agitation now obvious in Robbie's voice,"Would you stop saying that, and stop worrying, you just have to give us a chance – please just give us a chance! BELIEVE IN US, for once, please Gaz!”  
“…I…I can’t Rob!" "But...but I thought you wanted to...I thought you'd want us to find a way! You just told me you're in love with me!" He could feel the threat of hot tears forming in his eyes, his mouth was dry and his throat was in pain; he could barely believe what he was hearing. Gary's face however, showed him, the older man was serious. "I…think," Gary continued carefully, "maybe it’s just best we cherish the time we have left here together, because that’s as far into the future as I can bear to see right now.”  
“So, what - One day?! You’re giving me one fucking day with you?!”  
“Rob, please try to see this from my point of view-.” Gary tried to embrace him, but Robbie furiously shrugged him off, “No, Gaz, piss off! You’re not leaving me with just a day, no way! How...why...I can't understand, we just...you..." He couldn't fight it back, the tears freshly fell, while his face grew red with anger, "Oh, just go home, Gaz. Just fucking leave! Leave me alone!”

He turned for the door but then paused and looked back at the muddled-torn expression on Gary’s face. If he weren’t so angry with him, he would’ve felt sorry for him and run and kissed him all over like he wanted to, but he was angry. He was frustrated. He was completely done.  
“But like I said, and I can promise you this, Gaz, just you wait! You can try, but you won’t be able to stop yourself!”  
With a last pained look of betrayal by the man he loved, he left the room, leaving Gary quite alone, utterly confused and incredibly dizzy. They’d argued, they’d made love twice and then some, and yet here they were again, with Robbie angry at him once more. He knew what he wanted in his heart, but he also knew he had to be the grown up here, and make the tough but sensible decision no matter how much it hurt both of them. He glanced his eyes back at the bed, thinking of a happy moment spent just a short while ago, before the anger, and the harsh words just now. He sighed like that was all that was left to do. He felt miserable, but at least, he supposed, this time Robbie hadn’t brought his songs into it, again. There was at least that, yet his heart still ached all the more.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Robbie didn’t go to the airport to say goodbye, nor did he even stop by their hotel the morning of their departure. He did however, ring Mark that morning (after the brief spat in the bedroom, Mark and Robbie had made up and hugged it out later that evening) and told Mark to pass on his goodbyes with the promise he’d see them again soon. Howard and Jason thought nothing out of the normal about this, as of course they wouldn’t, but even Mark thought it was odd Robbie didn’t say a proper goodbye to Gary, or even leave Mark with a private message to pass on to him. They were, as far as Mark knew, on good terms with each other, considering how he’d heard Gary only return to the room next to his, in their hotel, at a little past 5am that very morning. Mark carefully watched Gary’s bemused reaction to the message from Robbie, it was obvious he was struggling to hide his surprise and hurt at the simple message too. Mark however, came to the conclusion that if he knew Robbie as well as he thought he did, then he was sure it was all simply just another of Robbie’s little games designed to keep Gary wanting more, and thus tighten his hold on the man all the more.  


As it was, they were in actual fact not on particular good terms at all. After a awkward afternoon spent together with the other lads playing FIFA, Gary finally got a moment with Robbie to try and apologise. Robbie was resistant at first but when Gary held his hand to his lips and kissed it so lovingly and tenderly, his heart immediately softened. Yet, Robbie still told Gary to stay away, he didn't want just one day with him, he couldn't have just one day. The night before Gary was due to leave, however, he went to visit Robbie once more, but Robbie refused to open the door. Gary undeterred, stayed outside declaring his love through the intercom until Robbie finally conceded and let me in to his home, and eventually into his bed once more. One last night of passion was all they had left. The sex wasn’t particularly satisfying for either of them, since both their heart were hurting and their minds were elsewhere; both far too aware that this was the last time; that their time together in LA was truly at its end.  
While both stayed laying in the bed, a full two inches separating their bodies, Robbie told Gary he wouldn’t be going to the airport to see him off. He said it was because he was worried he’d give something away, and Gary understood, but in actual fact Robbie was still angry at Gary. Angry for how he had dismissed their relationship, and as he saw it, so easily dismissed it. The thought of Gary leaving caused him to feel so bereft, he also needed Gary to understand exactly how hard it was to watch him leave, and how much pain it would cause him to be without him. As far as Robbie could tell, Gary just didn’t get it, no matter what Gary said to try and reassure him, Robbie wouldn’t believe him, he couldn't. Finally, as Gary put on his clothes ready to leave him all alone again, a simple, “Well, see you around”, was all Robbie could only manage at the door.  
The look Robbie gave him was so oddly stoic, that Gary thought it was some kind of joke - where was their last lingering kiss? Where was their final beautiful, loving, goodbye? Even after the door closed in his face, he still expected Robbie to change his mind, open the door, run up to him, and engulf him in a giant Robbie-sized hug! But he didn’t. So Gary had no choice but to wander back to the hotel disappointed, and deprived of the goodbye he had envisaged. His mind was manic with emotion. He was so worried about leaving Robbie on his own once more, and the closer it got to time to leave, he had began to furiously think of any excuse to stay.  
He had tried calling Robbie all that morning but to no avail, Robbie simply ignored every call and text; so when he stood in the Hotel lobby with his bags and heard Mark on the phone to Robbie, he was more than a little hurt at being given the cold shoulder. Dare he say it, he was jealous too. 

Robbie knew what he was doing, and hated himself for doing it, he was mad at Gary, but he loved him and truly didn’t want to hurt him. He wanted to answer Gary, to hear his voice, to tell him he’ll love him always! ...but at the same time he couldn’t, he wouldn’t - it was self-preservation and all that.  
Robbie had lied of course, he did go to see them off, in the deepest camouflage and from a safe distance he called Mark at the front desk and watched Gary’s face fall as Mark repeated his measly message to the boys. After feeling a small gratified whoosh of cruel pleasure the effect it had on Gary, he soon realised it ultimately just made himself hurt even more.

Deep inside his belly he felt sick, the kind of sickness only felt from the stress of having cried for hours. He wanted to look away to save himself, he didn’t want to have to watch Gary leave him but he couldn’t help wanting to catch every last glimpse of the man he loved. As he watched Gary get into the back of the cab he was even sure he saw Gary look in his direction but it was only the briefest of glances before they were all in the cab, and safely on their way to the airport, and back to the UK.  
They were gone. He was gone.

****************************************************************************************************************************************

A few days passed, and Gary was happy and content to be back in the family home. How he had missed his kids and Dawn. He loved them so much, and the guilt of what he and Robbie had done, played on him constantly, weighing heavy on his mind. Some nights he couldn’t even sleep. Dawn was so beautiful and so loving, she was the perfect mother, perfect partner, and his perfect match in every way…he loved her so much it made his heart bleed just thinking of causing her pain in anyway. He was her husband, it was his job to protect her from hurt, and so he would! Always.

Yet…he just couldn’t get Robbie out of his head.  
Gary remembered the first time he tried to call Robbie, he didn’t know what to expect, but all he got was complete silence. Robbie didn’t answer any of his calls, reply to any of his texts, or even emails. Gary would pester Mark for information since the littlest member of the band did seem to be the only one Robbie stayed in regular contact with. The Robbie-silence brought no questions from Howard, but Jason thought it odd and brought the matter up at their next band meeting. Their manager told them not to worry, Mark said not to worry, but neither could sedate Jason’s concerns. They all looked to Gary, and for his words of positive wisdom on the matter, but he surprisingly offered none, which Howard did think odd; yet suspected that like Jason, Gary was just worried about the impact on the new album if Robbie didn’t come over to help promote it. The real truth was Gary’s head was still consumed by the silent treatment he was receiving, and couldn’t help but feel incredibly hurt by it. Being ignored was frankly making him crazy.

Two months passed with little development. A few more sleepless nights, and a heart still full of guilt and pain, but there were bigger problems. Issues at the label meant the album had to be pushed back three months, and with it the promo involving all five lads, and the promise of seeing each other again. Then another set back, when it was pushed back another five months in order to coordinate diaries once more. The delays were annoying but also an opportunity for Gary, or at least how he saw it, and he didn’t give up; every moment he had free away from work, Dawn and the kids he tried calling Robbie, but Robbie still wilfully refused to pick up. So Gary emailed, and kept emailing everyday even without receiving a single reply, so determined was he, he wouldn’t give up on Robbie.  
Robbie, of course, read every single email, he read them over and over again until he knew each word of every email by heart, until he could hear Gary’s soft low velvet voice in every syllable. He looked forward to every new day for the new email it would bring from his love, each making him smile and laugh, and each signed off with a simple “GB x”. He missed Gary so much, his heart ached and his soul wept just thinking of his face, his touch, his kiss. He needed him so much…but his stubbornness stopped him replying.  
Yet, Gary continued to email each and every day, regardless.  
The emails were often goofy and nerdy and just so typically ‘Gary Barlow’, that eventually Robbie just couldn’t help himself. His first eventual reply (4 months to the day since they had last saw each other) was short and unexpected, “you’re such a nerd, Gaz”. His next, “You are actually the biggest nerd I know, you do know that, right?” and then soon after that, he began writing full proper replies, every day, sometimes twice. In time, the emails served to reconcile their relationship and mend the awkwardness from the silence, but eventually the façade of humour and pleasantries gave way to affection and meaningful words that mended their hearts. The emails became love letters of a sort, a collection of declarations of their love for each other, the content of which, threatened their families, the band, their careers, their lives as they knew it! Yet, they continued, they couldn’t help themselves, and they never would be able to, again.  


Finally after months of email exchanges, came the one reply that stopped Gary’s heart, “two weeks Gaz, just booked the ticket – I’ll be back to the UK in two weeks, can’t wait!”  
Gary gulped, what Robbie expected to happen, he knew not, what HE thought might happen was enough to make his head dizzy and his soul heavy, but his heart swell! That was the effect their relationship had, and would likely always have on him. In two weeks, they would see each other once more, in two weeks the massive complication that was Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams, would once again enter the playing field.  
Somewhere in North London, on hearing that same news, Mark Owen was making himself another strong cup of tea.

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

Two weeks indeed passed and news reached Gary that Robbie had landed in the UK. He wondered how long it would take for Robbie to contact him. All too soon he was fretting about it and couldn’t help but check his phone, practically every five minutes; checking to see if he’d got a message, or somehow missed a call. That was until he Dawn began to playfully chide him for ‘pissing about on Twitter too much’ again. He instantly felt guilty, and stopped checking.  
At half past midnight, he was laid in bed with Dawn’s elegant arms lovingly wrapped around him, but he couldn’t sleep. He laid there for a way, fighting with himself until he couldn’t take it anymore; he detangled his body from his wife’s delicate sleeping form, and gently kissed her forehead, before he left her in their bed alone. He went and checked on his kids, all peacefully sound asleep. He strolled around the house, walking back and forth trying to mentally shake some sense into himself; he felt like a love sick teenager! But he couldn’t understand why Robbie hadn’t been in touch already. He looked at his phone again: no calls, no messages, not a thing! But it was then it hit him, ‘Twitter!’ He excitedly checked his account and impatiently scrolled down the absurd amount of Direct Messages he’d received from fans only that evening, until he found the icon and name he was looking for, and sure enough Robbie had messaged him, “See you at the photoshoot tomorrow! Can’t wait! Rob x”  
He smiled at that…then yawned, and made his way sleepily back to bed.  
They weren’t just scheduled for one photoshoot the next day, there were in fact three to get to. Gary was always impatient with photoshoots, he just really didn’t enjoy them. He never felt comfortable, since the idea of posing just never came easy to him like it did with the other lads, and so it was safe to say he never really looked forward to photoshoots…until that day.  
It was the first of the three that day, and when he walked through the door the first and only thing he saw was Robbie there with his usual cheeky grin staring back at him. Even though his heart was beating fast and his cheeks were flushed, he forced himself to casually greet Robbie with just a “Great to see ya mate!” and a rather awkward one-armed man hug for appearance-sake, which was of great relief to Mark who was standing nearby and looked like he was ready to pounce and separate them at any moment. Mark needn’t have worried because for the rest of the photoshoot, in fact the rest of that day, they barely said a single word to each other. Gary first thought it was simply because they’d not had a chance since they’d been whizzed through each photoshoot to get to the next but as the day went on and he continued to try and catch Robbie’s eye with one meaningful glance after another, he realised Robbie was purposely averting his eyes and basically refusing to even look in Gary’s direction. Gary was once more left confused but decided to leave it be. They finished the photo shoots and were done for the day, and so left, separately. 

Gary emailed Robbie that night, but received no reply.  
The next day, however they were back together at a radio station, giving an interview and as luck would have it, the producers had sat Robbie next to Gary. The immediate sexual tension created by the seating arrangement was immediately obvious to three people in that small booth, and Mark could do nothing as he watched in alarm, Robbie’s hand reach under the desk for Gary’s thigh, and squeezed it. The lovers stole a quick glance at each other, and in that one look they knew (email replies or not); they are were on the same page, they needed to get some alone time. Mark could only roll his eyes and curse the radio station producers, under his breath.  
“Why did you ignore my email last night?” Gary asked once they were alone in the radio station’s men’s toilets, during a break.  
“I dunno, just wanted to talk to you properly for once instead I guess…sorry mate, I didn’t mean to make you think I was ignoring you” Robbie said rather sheepishly. They both smiled and simply looked at each other for while in silence, not awkward silence, just appreciative silence before all of a sudden a flustered Mark bulldozed in, fretting in panic and unsure of whether he was prepared for what he might find going on in there but needing to stop it anyway.  
“Woah, Marko – where’s the fire!” Gary chuckled as he caught his smaller friend before he tripped.  
“What?! I…was just…er...well, what are you two doing in here alone anyway?!” Mark said still flustered and frankly a bit stunned to find them still decently dressed.  
“Mark, relax matey – we weren’t getting up to anything naughty in here, we were just talking” Robbie teased.  
Mark flushed crimson at that, “I didn’t…I wasn’t…I just wanted to check you were ok s’all!”  
“Well, as you see, we are perfectly fine Markie”  
“I see that Gaz….but...well, as you’re both here, and we’ve got a minute here – I just want to check…I mean, I don’t know how you left it in back in the States, but...I mean, you’re not still, you know, are you?”  
“Mark –"  
“I know what you’re going to say Gaz, that it’s none of my business but actually since we are in a band together which is all our business, I think I do have a right to ask, and I think –"  
“MARK! For Christ sake!” Gary interrupted, after all watching Mark struggle with his words had been fun but now was not the time, “It’s ok, we get it - you’re looking out for the band, we get it mate”.  
“Well, and for you guys Gaz, I’m looking out for you guys too” Mark added quietly.  
“And we love you for it Marko, we really do but you don’t have to worry, ok” Gary calmly said, with a wide smile.  
“I don’t?”  
“Nah, mate – you don’t!” Rob added, “me and Gaz – we’re not, we aren’t…you know …anymore!”  
“Your’re not?” Mark couldn’t disguise his surprise, and frankly Gary was finding it difficult to hide his too!  
“No, we’re not – you were right, there was too much to risk and we’ve had time apart to think sensibly about it and realised we just got caught in the moment and well, we’ve ended it, so you see, there’s nothing to worry about, promise.” Robbie smiled, which only led Mark to look at him all the more suspiciously.  
“hmmm… you really promise? It’s over, no more lying, no more cheating, no more sex?” Mark asked somewhat sceptically.  
“All the above Markie, promise!” Robbie casually agreed, purposely avoiding any eye contact with Gary, who was in turn desperately trying to get a sign from Robbie as to what all this was about because he hadn’t a clue, or agreed to anything. Unfortunately, Mark then turned around to face him and demanded the same promise from him, and after some hesitation, he readily agreed.  


They all left the men’s lavatory soon after that, and Gary was more confused than ever until later than afternoon when they’d finished the radio tours for that day, he reached into his back pocket and found a note: “Staying at the Radisson, come find me Mr B! xx” There was a key card too, and instantly he felt sick, was it because of nerves, guilt or excitement he didn’t know. What he did know was, he really shouldn’t go, but he also knew he absolutely was going to.  
By 9.30pm that night the promise to Mark had been broken, the promise not to cheat, not to have sex – it had all been broken. They stayed there cuddling in bed for as long as they could, still caught up in post-sex euphoria (and it had been brilliant sex), simply enjoying each other, and happy they had each other again, at long last.  
“Where does Dawn think you are?” Robbie suddenly asked while kissing Gary behind his good ear (the recent reconstruction to his damaged ear was still a bit too sensitive, even for Robbie’s soft kisses).  
“I said I was just going out for a reunion meal with you guys, I’m actually surprised we haven't done just that – especially since it’s your week back!”  
“Well actually,” Robbie said, suddenly looking a little sheepish, "Howard said he had arranged a meal but I told him I wasn’t up to it - think I told him I had jet lag…so, anyway…we’re going tomorrow night instead” he hastily added.  
“Oh great, so I’ve now got to think of a way to explain that to Dawn, fantastic!” Gary remarked sarcastically, before he released a deep sigh and added, “Oh Rob, I’m no good at this”.  
“I know mate”, Robbie offered sympathetically. He felt so guilty for causing Gary to lie to his wife, but he couldn’t help his heart. “If it’s any consolation Gaz, you are instead incredible ‘good’ in ‘other’ departments!” he added with a seductive wink, in an attempt to lessen the tension that had quickly developed after both being reminded of Gary's marriage.  
Luckily, it worked and Gary’s frown quickly turned into a smile, helped along by the cascade of butterfly kisses Robbie proceeded to leave along his neck and chest. “You think so?” he asked coyly.  
“erm” Robbie feigned a pondering look, “now I come to think about, I’m not sure I can accurately recall…yeah, I think I need to be reminded!” he winked.  
“Oh really, you do, do you?!” Gary suggestively asked, “Well then – come here Mister!” and Gary proceeded to show Robbie just how ‘good’, in _other departments_ , he was!  


*************************************************************************************************************************************  


They continued their affair through a whole month of promotion work, and then again through the string of secret gigs they’d lined up to celebrate the release of the album. Any moment they got alone, they cherished. Mark soon rediscovered their infidelity, and although he was initially hurt they had lied to him, he was soon more preoccupied in desperately trying to keep them apart as much as possible in order to prevent anyone else finding out. He, in fact, quickly exhausted himself by trying to orchestrate ways to ensure the lovers were not left on their own together, but he simply couldn’t be with them 24/7, and they had their ways of seeing each other. They knew they had become a massive liability to their band mates, but they couldn’t stop.  


One such occasion, just after a chat show appearance, Mark by chance, found Robbie had left a spare key card to his hotel room with a message for Gary in their dressing room. After struggling to get over the fact Robbie could have been so careless to leave something so private where anybody could’ve found it, he took the opportunity to round on Gary alone, and try one last attempt to knock some sense into him.  
“I cannot believe you are still doing this, Gary, you are still sleeping with each other!”  
“It’s more than that Mark, and you know it - I love him, I am in love with him! …he was right all along, I need him, I can’t be without him.”  
“Then we are truly fucked Gaz, because this is not going to end happily!”  
“Don’t you think I know that! I do…I just, I’m not strong enough, I can’t…”  
Gary collapsed back on to small sofa in the dressing room, and looked every bit the pathetic love sick puppy he knew he was; and no matter how angry he was, Mark couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. Mark knew Gary wasn’t for lying and cheating, it was all completely out of character, and Gary was like a fish out of water. He had no idea what he was doing. Gary looked downcast, guessing Mark's inner thoughts, “I know I’ve disappointed you Mark, and I know I could’ve saved us a lot of trouble if I’d just been strong enough to stop this when you said…but I just can’t! That man is my weakness! My absolute weakness, and I can’t give him up, not now, not ever! I’m sorry Markie, I really am.”  
Mark frowned deeply, that wasn’t what he had hoped to hear. He raked a hand through his hair, unsettling the previously carefully-set quiff, and sighed,  
“Don’t be sorry Gaz…just you tell me, tell me right now that you are in control of this thing!”  
Gary looked up at him somewhat confused, “What do you mean?” he asked.  
“Tell me the Great Gary Barlow has the control console on this though, tell me YOU are the one in control of this thing, please do not tell me you’ve given control to Robbie”  
“No, I…we…look, neither of us control it Mark, it just is, ok, we can’t help ourselves!”  
“So you keep saying and, yes it seems you can’t can you?!” he paused before shaking his head,“Then we are screwed, Gaz," he casually declared, "it’s as simple as that. We are so fucking screwed!”  
Gary didn‘t for one second doubt it, they were well and truly screwed!

Yet, when he looked back at it all; at all that had happened, and all that may indeed very well happen in the future - he realised he had actually in fact been universally screwed from the moment he answered that call from Ayda, in the middle of the night. But would he have changed anything if he could?  


He was in love with a man, and addicted to that love, and to that man. It would have been a lot easier if he had simply ignored that call, but did he regret that? No. So would he change anything if he could, probably not. That thought both reassured and terrified him, he was in deep for sure, there was a lot at risk, and a lot on the line, but he couldn't deny he was happy, and some things were worth the risk.

 

 

**************************************************************************************************************************************************  
**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Epilogue

Gary had long realised, Robbie had indeed been right, when he’d told him he knew where this would all lead, in fact he'd been right about everything. It was never over, there was no getting away from it; Gary was back with Robbie, he was his, and he was well and truly addicted to him, just as much as Robbie was (and had always been) addicted to Gary. All Mark could eventually do was look out for his friends and hope no one else would be hurt by it all. He knew both men would do all they could to prevent their exploits from hurting anyone else but he also knew that it’d end up nowhere good neither. It was now, already too late of course, like Robbie had remarked all those months ago, they’d simply gone too far this time, for it truthfully to go any other way than this.  


Their addiction would likely consume them in time, at least that was Mark’s worry, and he feared what else it would bring down with it, in the implosion. In the meantime, before their self-destructive ways caused everything to likely crumble around them, the lovebirds were happy enough with their simple share of stolen moments, and quick fixes whenever they could. A held glance, a meaningful brush of hands, a stolen kiss when there were no eyes to see them, a little contact of flesh, a caress of an earlobe, a squeeze of a thigh, and even a pinch of a bum cheek when Robbie was feeling particular daring. When they could, it was hotel rooms, empty studios, even a cliché quick shag in a closet/cupboard. When they were desperate for each other, when they needed the other, they did what they could, and for a time it would continue to satisfy them.  
Eventually however, Robbie would desire more and more of Gary’s time, and Gary would in turn submit and let his family be robbed of more of his time. He would of course, hate himself for it, but still would do nothing to stop. On and on, it would go, because the thing about addiction is, you need will-power to stop it, and frankly neither did, or even wanted to. From time to time, the guilt would weigh so heavily on Gary that he would try to end it, and even succeed sometimes, but it would never last.

Maybe that was what Nigel knew all those years ago, maybe this was what he tried to stop, and then later what Mark tried to stop too. It would of course, come out in time, they wouldn’t be able to hide it from the world forever, and as time went on and their carelessness got the better of them, they understood that all the more - yet it didn’t stop them. Nothing would.  


A difficult intensely complicated, dysfunctional, and all-consuming relationship; it always was, and always would be. Yet to them it wasn’t their weakness for the other, that drew them together, it was about the strength they drew FROM each other, from being with one another, from being the controlling, consuming, complication that was Gary and Robbie - that was their real addiction, and because of it, no matter where the road they were on led, they knew they would always find a way back to one another, always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story. This is the end of it, and I hope you have enjoyed it, and weren't too disappointed about the ending. It was difficult knowing how or where to end this fic, but I knew it must end, since unfinished fics drive me crazy! ; )
> 
> A massive thank you for all your lovely comments, they have been wonderful, and very much appreciated. 
> 
> I am currently working on a new fic, creamcakes-centred again, so watch this space, if you're interested. 
> 
> Thank you & much love xx


End file.
